today turned out to be a very fast, very good day.
now i’m trying to finish my coursework. copious amounts of diet coke is fuelling my midnight coding binge. i’ve booked tomorrow off work to finish everything and find time to study for my final. everything in my life is about the course right now. it’s all i think about and all i talk about. it makes heather a very, very, very dull girl.
but i did get to see andy dance. yummy!

“Anton Bluenote II”
He steps from the shadows,
Cloaked in mystery.
His words are kind yet cold.
His gaze penetrating.
With his presence comes a feeling of unease.
His soul is tormented.
Behind the mask he hides.
Shelter for tender emotions long ago tortured.
He turns away,
Reluctant to free his true self.
Yet he returns his gaze to her,
A look of longing in his eyes.
“Please sir!” she cries.
“Your heart is safe within my hands.”
He looks anxious.
A struggle to stay or flee.
At last his heart conquers his fear.
He approaches,
Slowly, cautiously, into her embrace.
His body shudders as her arms reach ’round him.
She soothes his furrowed brow as she gently mutters wordlessly.
Small noises to ease his fearful agitation.
His shaking ceases as he looks down into her eyes.
And he smiles.
— H.S.L. 07/20/95 (ed. 07/28/95)

shrimp rings. i have paul to thank for introducing that particular term into my vocabulary. then again, i can also thank him for knowing about cheese logs, what really is in head cheese and where to find the hottest hot sauce on the planet. but, really, this is all about the shrimp rings.
i made fun of paul for years about the fact that he ate shrimp rings. you see, this was 1997 and, although i now knew the term, i still had no real concept of what a shrimp ring looked like or consisted of. i think i was scarred by the head cheese revelation and i’d held this horrible mental image of shrimp woven into some freakish daisy chain of seafood appetizer abhorrance. i remember coming home from that particular visit to calgary and seeing an advertisment for shrimp rings in a weekly flyer. such was my giddy delight, i cut it out and mailed it to him. i thought it was the funniest thing. then he broke my heart by sleeping with his ex-girlfriend and admist all the crying and tragically awful poetry, i forgot about shrimp rings.
when i moved away from home and my mother, now left to her own devices, started doing the strange things which mothers do when their baby birds have finally flown the coop. i don’t remember exactly when it was, but i do remember the shock i felt when she told me she’d started buying shrimp rings. those fucking shrimp rings again!
“mom!” i wailed into the phone. “you can’t do that! shrimp rings are wrong. they go against nature, much like head cheese!”
she would’t understand the all-consuming terror i experienced with her revelation, so i didn’t attempt to share it. i let the subject drop from our conversation, but it was not out of my mind. “those fucking shrimp rings”, i thought. “they’re going to take over the world!”
one night, while playing cards with my friends as i’ve been known to do, meghan suggested a snack. it was one or three in the morning and the beer had made us peckish, so we all grunted assent. next thing i knew, there was a shrimp ring on the table in front of me. i’d never before seen one so close, or out of it’s protective wrapping. the bloody thing was actually pretty with all the uniform shrimp happily lined up around the sturdy plastic base. they seemed almost eager to dive into the dish of spicy sauce in their midst. my friends watched me as i tentatively reached for the evil shrimp ring of death. they didn’t know my past history with this culinary nemesis, they just thought it was my normal reaction to new and/or weird food.
my hand hovered above the dish for a moment as i tried not to think of the paul who ripped my heart from my chest or the mother i thought might be going insane. in a flash, i’d broken out the hypnotic daze, snatched a shrimp, dipped it in thick, red sauce and stuck it in my mouth and started chewing.
i can only imagine the expression on my face as i experienced the blasphemous shrimp ring for the first time. before i knew it, i had another shrimp in my mouth. i was actually enjoying it! dear god in heaven, i was a sinner! i was a dirty, rotten, vile, evil, shrimp ring-loving sinner!
that’s not all. if you can only imagine, it gets worse. so much worse.
i could almost live with my enjoying that first experience. i could even forgive myself for subsequent consumption of shrimp rings when available at, say, social gatherings. but now… now i’ve sunk to an even deeper, darker level. i’m now someone who buys shrimp rings for their own personal consumption! i’m so sorry. i never meant to let it get this far. it’s only been once, though! just the one time! i can stop, i know i can. just, let me finish the one that’s here. you can’t expect me to waste it can you? yeah, i can quit any time i want. don’t worry, i’ll quit just as soon as i’m finished this package…

i mailed cookies and various other baked goods to minnesota and victoria last night. lucky bastards.

this is not an attack. this is my personal reaction to something someone wrote online. i do not dislike them, nor do i mean them any harm by my sharing this. i am merely expressing my feelings on the subject. it actually saddens me that i feel the need to preface this with a disclaimer, but people are funny creatures and they take offense far too easily.
i think that if a person considers it an accomplishment to have been single for thirty days, they have some serious esteem issues which need to be addressed.
i’ve always felt an uneasy sensation when confronted with people who just can’t seem to be alone. they’re always with other people or can’t ever seem to not be part of a couple. if they’re by themselves for any length of time, they become agitated and have a mini-breakdown. maybe it’s only because i don’t understand the concept. i was raised to be self-sufficient and comfortable on my own. being an only child possibly had something to do with it. being shy and somewhat unpopular probably did too. regardless, of my non-comprehension of the inability to be alone, i think these people are scared that if they’re not distracted by others they will be forced to deal with themselves.
“what do you do when you’re alone?” someone recently asked.
my first reaction was, and still is: i live my life.
it’s really hard for me to express the feelings that simple-seeming question created in me. first, it didn’t mean much to me at all. but, as time wore on it got me more riled up as i thought about it. how ridiculous it sounded to have to ask what to do when you’re by yourself. i wondered if they had no interests or inclinations. i pictured a person sitting in the middle of their room, not knowing where to turn or what to do just to entertain themselves.
i wanted to ask them how it was they got to be so dependant on other people for their entertainment and validation as a viable human being. i wonder how it is that they cannot bear to be alone with themselves. why it is that they considered themselves inferior if they aren’t in a relationship. what’s gone on in their lives to make them so unable to cope with their own selves that they need to always be distracted by the presence of other people.
i wanted to shout at them, “being alone does not equal being lonely!”
then i thought about it a little more. i wondered why it was i reacted so violently.
maybe someone would look at my mostly solitary life and wonder why it was that i had never been in a relationship (other than some pathetic wannabe or long-distance fiasco) or prefer to be by myself most of the time than to surround myself with people. don’t get me wrong, i enjoy small groups of interesting people with whom i have a connection; but i do not share my time with people merely to be with them. if i’m spending time with you, it’s a compliment. you’re valuable to me and i am telling you so with my presence.
maybe i thought it was a judgement of my lifestyle. that people who aren’t in relationships are somehow invalid. then i realized that years of indoctrination by society have instilled in me the need to defend the fact that i’m not really fond of the human race in general. to disdain those people who function well in groups and social settings because i’m not one of them myself. dammit, i’m one of those funny creatures i was disclaiming for up above.
it really comes down to the fact that people are very different and none of us are wired to react to similar situations in a like manner. there will always be “people-people” and “loner-people”. it’s taken me a long time to realize that it is entirely okay for me to like being alone. i’m no longer going to force myself to be social because i think it’s what i should do. what i needed to realize is that for other people, it’s just as okay for them to not want to be alone. they’re not me and they need different things. it’s unfair of me to force my personal bias upon their lifestyles.
now leave me alone! ;)

damn, yesterday was so productive! i feel like supergirl! i very nearly stayed up to clean the bathroom, but i forced myself to go bed instead. although i told jeremy that i didn’t ever want to go into my kitchen again, it’s so nice when it’s clean and organized.
i have a fridge overflowing with food and treats and booze. i have a cute little live xmas tree. i have blue lights. i have vanilla candles. i have a curmudgeonly snowman on my door. i have at least 14 xmas-themed internet radio stations bookmarked. i have an advent calendar. i have big, fluzzy slippers and a soft flannel robe. i have a growing pile of prettily-wrapped presents.

it feels like xmas in my house and i’m bubbling over with goodwill t’wards men. i even want to forgive m and wish him a happy season.

completed:
wake up, 8am.
grocery shop, 9am.
buy starbucks gift card & peppermint mocha, 10am.
make nanaimo bars, 11am.
phone aunt, 11:45am.
phone mom, 12:30pm.
make mince tarts, 12:45pm.
start laundry, 1:15pm.
wash dishes, 2pm.
start primavera sauce, 2:30pm.
put chicken in oven, 3pm.
start brown rice, 3:10pm.
write blog entry, 3:30pm.
scheduled:
finish laundry.
vacuum.
make peppermint bark.
wash out fancy tins.
start homework.
wash dishes.
make lunch.
take out garbage.
dust.
watch alias.
crash.

cool… i fell asleep during the news last night and i just woke up now, twelve hours later. man, the dreams! my first cat, spud, was there. she was just as affectionate and regal as always. there was also an organization trying to drive us crazy with fake jeeps and dead baby goats. then i tried to pay my rent in cash and i met a weirdo online using my tablet pc.
now i have to try to wake up enough to do our group presentation… one more week. i can make it!

oddly enough, i’m a lot more poductive when i feel unwell than when i’m healthy. maybe i’m just so happy to be feeling better i can’t concentrate on mundane routine? either way, i matters very little. there’s blue sky and i just a really tasty bit of yoghurt.
there are two people from new york just over there. *nods head behind and to the right* they’re here to learn about our operations for when they go back to run their system at jfk airport. i want to go over and tell them about my new york/jfk/cab driver story, but i won’t.
i was browsing prices for an xmas trip to vegas. i have almost six days off and i really could use a major change in scenery. if i can find a flight/hotel package for less than $500 including all taxes and et ceteras, i might just go. who wants to go with me?

learning lots. watch out world, i’m gonna be a super-picturemaker!
p.s. advil is wonderful. i feel almost human again.
p.p.s. i’m an amazing cook. you should all taste the primavera sauce i made last night. don’t worry, i made enough for everyone.

i want to cut my cable bill, so i was looking at the tiers to see in which tiers the channels i watch are. i currently subscribe to basic and tiers 1, 2 & 3, for an approximate cost of $40/mo. i really only watch basic plus three channels in tier one and three channels in tier 3. but get this, if i dump tier 2, i end up actually paying *more* per month for the priviledge of getting fewer channels. what the fuck is up with that? greedy bastards. makes me want to throw my tv out the bloody window.

i feel like ass.

i have this sudden urge to watch seven brides for seven brothers.

spent the morning decorating the office and now i’m in a delightful mood. i love the holidays. i love tinsel and cutouts of snowflakes. i love trees and lights and egg nog and candy canes. snow can stay on the mountains, but frost is really pretty on the grass.
spent most of last night in the kitchen cooking and doing dishes and trying to clean the neon yellow highlighter ink from my fubsy bag. i’m so annoyed. the cap came off and, even though you can’t see it, the material has soaked up a pen’s worth of ink and leaves greenish-yellow splotches everywhere it touches. i wonder if i can get it dry-cleaned. i’m fairly certain i shouldn’t machine wash it. tips? i could use some.
there would have been some cookie-baking last night as well, but i forgot to buy brown sugar. i’ll pick some up tonight on the way home. i really want to try this new recipe for chocolate chip cookies. too keep with the whole wintery theme, i even got mint chocolate chips! i’m such the gourmet.
hm, i should probably do homework too… i can do that while they’re baking. yeah!
last night was also spent doubled over in gastro-intestinal distress. besides eating something which really disagreed with my lower intestine, i think my new multi-vitamin isn’t empty-stomach-friendly. i discussed my condition with dr. jim and after a couple slices of (expensive safeway) cheese, my tummy settled down enough for me to fall into a very deep and restful sleep.
i upped my weights yesterday and now i’m paying for it. ugh. my arms are all sore and tight. it’s a good hurt. at least that’s what i keep telling myself.

and they finally put my name on my parking spot! go me!

right now, i would gladly give you all the money in my wallet for a mandarin orange.
in other news, i hate everyone except jeremy today.