at the first available opportunity, i’m going to register for a course at bcit. unfortunately, the course i’m signing up for doesn’t start until september. i’d love to dive right in now, but they don’t offer it during summer session.
my boss called me into his office:
boss: we have a problem.
me: uh-oh.
boss: i think you might be the solution.
it involves fun web stuff on the intranet, which always makes me happy. now that we have a proper webserver in the works, i’ll be able to mess around with more development-type stuff. my only hurdle is finding the time. hopefully, if he’s serious about this, then i’ll be able to use it to get rid of some of the bulky work i don’t have time for by foisting it off on someone else. that would make me even happier.
wal-mart may not carry dehydrated motivation, but it seems hessie-mart had some backordered and it arrived just in the nick of time.

i’m quickly becoming defined by my complete loathing for my work and the petulant sloth i sink into as a passive-aggressive response to it. i’m that person. you know, the one who’s always crabby and has very little to talk about other than how much their job sucks and how they’d love to do anything else, but they really don’t know what else they want to do. the person who turns every conversation so it’s about them. “yeah, that happened to me. this is what i did (which is what you should have done).”
why can’t you run to wal-mart and pick up a jumbo-sized box of dehydrated motivation? just add water! on sale every day! imagine how much more star trek our lives would be with everyone running around being motivated to do good things all the time. not just good for themselves, but good for their friends, family, community, country, world. wow. that utopian vision is blinding. i honestly can’t imagine what it would be like if people consistantly acted with compassion and generosity. it’s very white, though. everything would be clean and neat. motivated people are neat by default.
another reason i want to move out of my apartment: hardwood floors. i’d happily give up never having cold feet for hardwood floors. they add another layer of light to a room. reflected light. it’s also pretty cool to go sliding across them in slipper socks, landing on the couch in a giggling, breathless heap.

it just dawned on me that i spent almost six hours in paul’s presence and i didn’t once touch his buzz-cutted head. i must be slipping.

i’m slightly hung-over from the musle relaxant i took before bed last night. i feel like i’ve been wrapped in a layer of cotton batting. it’s not wholly unpleasant.
my three reasons to get a dvd player:
 * my so-called life box set
 * the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy
 * the matrix
it’s karen’s birthday today. i want to do something for her, but i don’t know what. logistics are complicated because i should work late to do some catching up. bleh. i don’t care… i’m going out for lunch with recently-separated, cute chris.

i just found out that hugo & his wife are taking their citizenship tests today. i’m so excited for them! the conversation went something like:
me: did you study?
him: no! i already know everything.
me: hee-hee. what if you fail?
him: i am married to my wife and she will be a citizen!
i love hugo. he’s adorable. =)

can i tell you how useless i’m going to be today?
i spent sunday evening playing risk, talking about books, music & tv with paul, derrick & colene. typically, i was a complete nervous wreck about going over-town to paul’s place to play board games with virtual strangers. ah! as it turns out, they’re just as interesting and nice in person, so my apprehension didn’t last long. (it’s somewhat weird to write this knowing they’ll read it at some point… i’ve been mostly immune to this sensation.) i’m in love with paul’s apartment. if i could afford the rent, i’d move tomorrow. colene really does have both an evil laugh and a vicious streak! derrick is taller than i expected and has a very intense gaze. he reminds me of someone else i know, but i can’t think of who.
the evening went really quickly, and although i would have liked to hang out longer i finally headed home at about quarter to midnight. after flying home on the empty streets and highway (vroom! motherfucker! vroom!) i tried to go to sleep but a vicious headache, paranoia about the giant spider in my closet and this indeterminate pain in my right shoulder made the whole falling asleep experience a lengthy one. i only need five hours sleep, right? *whimper*
i have to phone meghan pretty quick. i told her i was going out to meet people from online and she wanted to know where paul lived and what his phone number was and i was directed to phone her as soon as i got home. when i did get home, there was a message from her “where are you? why aren’t you home yet? phone me in the morning!” it’s adorable how she worries. i can’t tell you how hard i was laughing as she was writing down paul’s vitals.
all right, that’s my update. dammit, i’m supposed to train wilma today. i may have to put it off until tomorrow. i don’t think i should be allowed to do anything remotely responsible today. the plan is to work out really hard on the elliptical after work, go home, shower and then be asleep my seven-thirty. mmm… sleep.

have you ever felt the ground melting beneath your feet? it feels like the earth had a bad batch of shellfish or a few too many beans. gaia gas. yes, that’s what it felt like standing on the spot which, twenty minutes later, was two and a half feet closer to the core than it started. the rumbling, popping and clicking of the ground beneath the asphalt as all the water from the broken main poured down my street at midnight was both frightening and exciting. i wouldn’t have known anything was amiss if the diverted water running through the back yard hadn’t sounded like a torrential cloudburst.
i’m so glad i stayed up late!
how funny are people to tell you one thing and then do another. that’s all right. they’re free to be who they want to be and do what they want to do. it’s how i react to it which is important to me. right now, i’m trying not to react at all. except making assumptions. hey, i never said i wasn’t a hypocrite, too.
i had lettuce for dinner last night and pizza for breakfast this morning. yes, you really did need to know that.
my favourite thing about my non-evil j-named friend (figure that one out, if you dare): he doesn’t care that i’m a dork and i don’t care that he knows i am.

[13:49] hessie: if you knew everything about me, we’d have very little to talk about.
[13:49] Dor: that’s not true.
[13:49] Dor: what do you think married people do?
[13:49] hessie: well, there’d be no mystery.
[13:49] hessie: have sex!
[13:49] hessie: run out of conversation = fornicate
[13:49] Dor: good point.
[13:49] hessie: at least that’s my goal in marriage. =)
[13:50] Dor: heh.

how unfair is it that every guy i find even remotely attractive has a name which starts with “j”? don’t the fates know that spells doom for me? *sigh*

my new favourite song of the moment. enjoy.

where you start to wonder where she is. why haven’t you heard from her? it’s very uncharacteristic. you’ve talked to her every day. where is she? she’s doing something bad to herself. she didn’t sound right the last time you talked. there was something in her tone. a quiver maybe. you don’t even know where she lives. stupid girl. stupid, impulsive, repulsive, antagonistic, alluring girl! how can you save her if you don’t know where she lives? phone book! what’s her last name, sherlock? no, didn’t think so. anonymous. probably never really existed at all. just a fantastic illusion to keep your delusions company. fuck! you need to find her. you need to know she’s real and safe. you need her! what will you do, then? how will you bring her out? what can you possibly do to help her? this isn’t a tv show. you can’t get superpowers and telepathically communicate. you have to wait. you have to suffer the fear and ignorance. you have to feel as if you’re to blame for everything that you’re imagining happened to her. waiting. you’ve always hated the waiting.

bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh bleh

i also need to become more css-positioning savvy.

i really need a re-design.

*sigh*

randomness floating through my head and out my fingers:
 – i need to find dennis to massage this crick out of my shoulder.
 – i want a camera. now.
 – i should work out tonight, but i need to grocery shop. no, i can’t do both.
 – my pants are loose.
 – i’m wearing my cleavage shirt.
 – in grade school, we had an esl student join our class. i can’t remember where she was from, but we teased her relentlessly. sometimes i feel guilty for that. today, we probably would have gone to jail for it.
 – i need a sabbatical. maybe i should fall down again. anything to keep me from having to go to work every day. maybe i’ll take all my vacation in one shot. of course i won’t, then i’ll have no reprieve for the rest of the year. that would be bad. someone would most likely die.
 – i told jim my idea to become a part-time bartender. mmm, cherries.
 – it’s a very fine line between romantic and creepy. i hope i’m not creepy.
 – my dad’s a looker for a sixty-nine year old.
 – can flourescent lights make you sick?
 – i need friends who’ll play pool with me, or go bowling, or play board games, or go to playland, or rent videos. not that i don’t love my friends. i just need a little more than playing cards. variety!
 – after over ten years not eating cow, i’m craving steak. i don’t know what to do about it.
 – i love staring out the window at the trees wiggling in the breeze.
 – i don’t know anyone i can discuss the season finale of buffy with.
 – after ten years, i’m finally ready to let go of my car. it was my first and i’ll always love it, but i’m no longer deluding myself that it will be my only. i’m taking out all the personal belongings, cleaning her out. i’m getting ready to say goodbye to my hessmobile. i never thought i’d see the day.
 – anyone want to buy a slightly used accoustic guitar? i don’t think i’ll ever play it again and i’m tired of dusting the case.
 – isn’t it funny how easily conversation comes once you stop caring about impressing someone?

i’ve effectively managed to look like i’m working while not doing anything other than putting a pile of work-to-be-done directly in front of me for the last hour and a half. i think that’s a record. now (because i’m starting to experience guilt), i’m going to stretch loudly, scaring my coworkers, get more coffee and then dive into resume hell. i still think that we shouldn’t hire anyone who applies here. just on principle.
i had vivid, slightly disturbing dreams about laundry which wouldn’t get clean and wardobe decisions to impress the tall, handsome boy of my dreams.
by the way, if i remember, i’ll click a picture of my new shoes when i get home. what i won’t do for you people. *sigh*

i thought my battle with a headache and severe nausea last night was a freak occurance. seems i was wrong.
right now, i’m so dizzy i can barely walk and i’m sporadically overwhelmed with the urge to regurgitate the contents of my stomach. hopefully, we’ll finish the payroll rush any minute now so i can go home and puke in my own toilet.

i’m back. i’m sleepy. i have cool, new shoes. that’s all that really matters, right?

today started early for a saturday. i have until almost-noon to get all my chores done before i hurry up to wait for the boat. i hate waiting for the boat. at least i have a mission to help me keep occupied… i seek essential power.
meghan lied to me. i don’t know why she did; or maybe i do, a little. it’s bothering me, though. i suppose i’ll have to say something about it at some point.
the weekend agenda includes, but is not limited to: mom, star wars, hugh grant, bathtub, visiting, shopping, cat, & beachwalking. i’ll be back sometime on monday.