i was trying my hardest to make the day beyond perfect for jason’s birthday. i had it planned down to the nth degree. i wanted him to have a spectacular day. i wanted him to see how much he meant to me. i thought that if i got him the perfect presents and took him to the perfect places he’d suddenly look at me as the perfect girl.
i don’t think i’ve seen him since.
well, okay… maybe once. but, it’s been a long, time. it was a good day. i hope he remembers it fondly. i know i do.
i should be asleep right now, but i had one too many diet cokes with lemon and i really need this brain dump before i can rest. i’m finally going back to work tomorrow and i would like to get there early to assess any backlog which may have amassed during my absense. i hope it’s not too bad, i’d really hate to burn myself out trying to catch up. i know i will. that’s just how i operate. then again, if there is no backlog i will have to be upset that there wasn’t a horrible panic because i was away for seven days. they couldn’t possibly survive without me, could they?
as of seven o’clock this evening, i’m into my thirteenth smoke-free day. i had a wee puff of meghan’s cigarette yesterday at the pub, and it was horrible. i must have partially exhaled through my nose because it burned a little and when i sniffed it was all i could smell. ick. this week has been really bad for cravings, but they’re mostly situational. i think i’ve got it licked. now if i can only stop eating crap food as a placebo maybe i’ll still fit into my jeans.
i put up a personals ad tonight, along with a picture. i need to start meeting people. i’m also getting tired of people asking me why i’m single when i’m so obviously amazing they can’t imagine me being alone. we’ll see how being proactive about my love life goes. just between you and me, i’m not holding my breath. at the very least, jenabeans thinks i have kissable lips. that made my night!
by the way, i’m fully aware of the overall pathetic-ness of my content lately. i’m working on fixing that in the near future. thank you for your patience, i appreciate it.

He tried overclocking his toaster once too
She asks: did it work?
She says: i was amazed… for a two-slice toaster i can now toast an entire loaf in half the time.
He says: well, sorta
She says: all at once.
He exclaims: wow!
She nods.
She says: i was impressed with the improvement.
He wonders if your toaster had genuine Intel parts.
She says: yes. but it runs linux. =)
His ancient toaster runs DOS.
She says: ahh.
She says: you really should upgrade.
He says: whenever toast comes up burned it asks, “abort, retry, fail?”
She laughs.
He was thinking of getting a screensaver… y’know… the one where flying computers fly across your toaster case.
She says: that’d be really classy.
He says: there’s only so much you can do when your bus is only 2 slots wide though.
She nods.
He asks: what sorta peripherals do you have on yours?
She says: i hear those bagel toasters with the wider slots have better throughput.
He makes a note of that.
She says: well, the microwave is daisychained to it, so that my condiments are ready for application upon toasting completion.
He says: way cool.
She nods.
He says: i’m trying to decide whether it’s worth the few extra bucks to go for the true-color video card with 1600×1200 resolution, or just settle with 256 colors at 1024×768.
She says: i’m thinking of setting a crisco router to have all the toasters in the building running through mine.
He exclaims: a crisco 10-base-T port in your room! instant plug ‘n’ grease!
She says: when it comes to toast, you shouldn’t scrimp on resolution. the last thing you want is pale toast.
She says: actually, i was thinking of going 100-base-t.
He says: this is true. but then again, maybe i ought to spring for a DVD drive too. Games are getting so realistic these days.
He says: hayull. you tha man! so to speak.
She says: with a backbone of 1000-base-t.
She says: i mean, you can’t be waiting on toast ‘casue of network backlog. that’s just wrong.
He says: folks, this chick is a shortening bandwith monster. I mean *monster*.
She laughs.
She bows.
He says: think big, yeah, think big.

i tried to go to the doctor to get the all-clear to return to work on monday, but she’s not working today or this weekend. i could have gone to another doctor who was on duty today, but i’d rather go back to my doctor. so, i’ll be returning to work on monday without specific authorization. i’ll stop by on the way home and let her know how i’m doing and that i had returned to work and ask her to just go with my plan. i hope this doesn’t ruin my claim.
speaking of the claim, i got a letter from wcb today saying they’ve accepted it and let me know how much they’ll pay me for the days i was off. it’s three-quarters of my wage, but i don’t think they take any taxes off (and i hear it’s tax exempt), so it will be close to my regular take-home pay even at the discounted rate. phew. i just have to remember to save some cash in case i have to pay taxes on it when i file for 2002 next spring.
i also got a package in the mail from my secret cricket! chocolate truffle frogs, valentine berry soap and a mini astrology book. yay! presents always make my day. now i’m going to eat something (not chocolate) because i’m a little shakey and then read until y&r is on at three. have a pleasant day!

sometimes, there’s nothing i want more than a big, fluffy teddy bear to cuddle while i fall asleep. others, i want to put on my expensive, bouncy athletic shoes and go running through my neighbourhood, heedless of everything, just enjoying the rhythmic thump-thump-thump of my soles on the pavement. then there are the times i want to sink into my mattress and re-emerge into a completely changed world, hundreds or thousands of years hence.
right now, i want… i have no idea, but i felt the need to add another paragraph. there, that’s done. now i can go to bed.

i’m craving oreos.

if you’re bored, go check out my cafepress store (link to the right). they’re offering baseball jersey shirts for the month of march only, so i felt the need to make one for all my loyal *cough* readers. you don’t even have to feel bloo to wear it! quick! order one before it’s too late!

i really wish i’d bought that leather computer chair when i had the money. if i had, i could at least spend time working on computer things rather than rush to email or write here in the maximum of ten minutes i get now before i have to go lie down to make the pain stop. fuck, i hate this chair.
it snowed for about half an hour this afternoon. i only mention it because the rest of the city was bathed in bright sunlight. ah, i love living in north vancouver. the snow didn’t stick. not that i care, i’m not going anywhere.
after feeling so much better yesterday, i pulled a “go directly to jail. do not pass go. do not collect $200” card from the chance pile. i’m in as much pain as i was on friday, so there goes my plan to return to work tomorrow. fuck. i don’t know how the hell i’m going to pay my bills this month. i better get reimbursed from wcb or i’m in trouble. at least i know i can eat for a month without having to go shopping. it may get dull eating nothing but rice and lentils, but i won’t starve. somehow, that reminds me i have to replace my brita filter because my water is starting to taste funny.
i’ve finally picked up a book and started reading while i’m laid up, instead of staring stupidly at the television like i’ve done so far. i should have stared atlas shrugged but i worried that my slightly blurry eyesight from the meds would inhibit my absorbtion, so i’m just reading the fourth wheel of time book. i wasn’t going to read past the third, but i’m easily sucked into series like these and i know i’ll be a sucker and read all nine bloody books, even though i know i’m going to be frustrated with them. i’m just pissed that i left the fiery cross at work.
the little cat wall calendar i got for xmas is still on january. if i remember after posting this, i’ll flip it to march. i probably won’t, though.
ooh, it’s almost three o’clock… time for y&r! yes, i’m pathetic. i know.

for the first time, i’m actually craving a cigarette. i’m glad i flushed the rest of the pack a couple days ago when i wasn’t jonesing. six days so far. according to a friend, i have another 15 days until the habit of non-smoking sticks. we’ll see about that…
my mom gave me $200. deposited it right into my bank account. why? ’cause i’m going to be seriously cash poor because of all this time i’ve been off work and i helped her out when i won that grand back in november. my mommy loves me!
pizza and once & again tonight. life is good.

after thinking about it, i’ve come to the conclusion that i could really get to like prescription muscle relaxants in a recreational capacity. whee!

still haven’t smoked. still haven’t had coffee, but i have been drinking diet coke. same difference, really. my uncle had a heart attack on friday, i just found out about it today. my back is much better, but after talking to mom, i’m going to listen to the doctor and take the full week off work.
i totally forgot it was the end of february, so i’ve neither uploaded the redesign nor switched to moveable type. none of which is a great loss. the layout was old before i’d even finished tweaking it and gm works fine for now. besides, i can’t seem to muster a lot of enthusiasm for blogging at the moment. i really don’t like spending much time at the computer. not that i’m doing anything else with my time, it just seems… dull. that being said, i’ve been having lots of ideas of things to write about. i just have to get up off the futon, grab some paper and a pen and write. probably won’t happen, but at least i know i’m still thinking of cool stuff even if it never sees the light of day.
it’s a beautiful day, but i don’t want to even open the blinds, let alone go outside. hermitgirl. maybe if i have a nap now, i’ll go shopping tonight. maybe i’ll just order pizza. maybe i should just eat some raw carrots and stop junking out in post-smoking food-fest. i really wish i weren’t in pain so i could at least go for a walk or something. bleh.

i haven’t had a cigarette in three days. i haven’t had coffee in two. i’ve been out of the house once. i’ve taken lots of pills. i’ve slept for most of the last two days. i’ve watched more maury than should be legal.
the doctor doesn’t want me going back to work for at least a week. i don’t know if i can do that, but i have the next two days to see how my healing goes. i can’t afford too much time off work and i can’t help but think of the mess which will be waiting for me when i return. no one is fully trained to replace me. it could be scary.
so, i now have two prescriptions keeping me mostly pain free, but sleepy, and my thoughts are very coherent. ugh, and this chair is not comfy. i’m going back to the futon.

i fell down some stairs, hurt my back and have been in bed for the last… 40 hours or so. sitting, standing, walking all hurt. hopefully, if i rest a little more today, i’ll be able to go to the doctor later. i hope.
be careful what you wish for. i wanted to be in bed, now i wish i could get out of bed.
at least being incapacitated has helped me not smoke and not eat too much. *twinge* back to bed. have a good weekend. *kiss*

today’s answer: “bad enough to want to be in bed, but not bad enough to stay there.”
more later about how fucking pathetic i am and the decisions i’ve made.

i could have gone back to work today, but i’m taking a mental/physical health day. if the weather keeps up, i’m going to go for a nice walk. i think i need more fresh air.

i’ve ruined myself. i knew i wasn’t feeling up to par friday and saturday, but i still had to go to the pub, smoke like a chimney and scream like a banshee yesterday. i’m an idiot.
getting out of bed this moring was a monumental task. i’ve already taken headache meds and consumed two cups of (medicinal, you understand) coffee, neither of which have done anything to elevate my mood. i’m only at work because it’s payroll monday. as soon as i’m finished, i’m going home. to bed. to sleep. the worst part? i didn’t have time to wash my hair, so i smell like day-old smoke. ick.
yesterday was a strange mix of childish delight and mature insights. we three, sitting at “our table” in the corner, discussed some serious issues regarding relationships, abuse, money, alcoholism, health & fitness. meghan revealed more about her past abusive relationship. mark went up a peg or two in my estimation when he described to me how, once he met meg, there were no other women for him. we discussed how much of a loser they both think jason is. “why were you dating him?” they asked. “i wasn’t dating him,” i answered, “we were just sleeping together.”
i’m not accustomed to serious conversation, especially when it deals with me. most of my life i’ve managed to avoid having to discuss how i truly, deep-down feel about things. i’m petrified of laying myself bare in that way. at least i acknowledge it now and force myself to step ahead, even if it is only a baby step.
i just realized that in the almost two months since i changed my calling card number, i’ve heard from tyler twice. both times asking me to phone him. on one hand, i’m glad he wants to talk to me; but, on the other, i’m pissed that he’s still not willing to spend his own money to do it. god, i’m such a doormat. fuck it. he can phone me. i’ve been phoning him for six years. then again, maybe i shouldn’t be making decisions when i’m this cranky and miserable.
i feel the urge to work out. how nutso is that?

the best parts of today (disregarding canada’s brilliant gold-medal win over the usa in ice hockey) were the incredible feeling of national pride and camaraderie we felt while watching the game with a building-full of people screaming at the tops of their lungs with joy and then the drive home, our makeshift maple-leaf blowing in the wind, horn honking, giving the thumbs-up to strangers.
i love hockey. i love canada. i love everybody, today!

six-thirty in the morning, coffee and leftover pizza in hand, i read the pretty websites. procrastination runs rampant. should be making websites for others, not gawking at ones already made. lay off, it’s saturday.
update: i got my 404 page working again! wahoo!

a headache threatens and the world ends half a mile from wherever i stand. the spotted, raindropped windows testify to a violent night, everything is a shade of blue or grey. maybe i shouldn’t have worn purple today.
vocabulary has suddenly returned, like the valentine i sent to a long-absent friend. simile too, it seems. still deciding if i’m glad of that or not. does it make for more interest or disdain? regardless, i can’t bring myself to care when my head feels this poor.
small sparks of anticipation: olympic hockey, pizza, pajamas.

there is a survivor contestant who is exactly my age, both of us having the same birthday and year. i suppose i know who i’m rooting for to win.
i was browsing through the player profiles for kicks and i was struck by how stupid these people must be. not even for the obvious reason of going on that kind of show in the first place. you see, these people have no idea how to pick their luxury items. let me list the dummest choices: massage oils, bible, lock of horse hair, necklace, scriptures, book of poetry the contestant wrote!
come on! none of these things are in any way useful. yeah, yeah… comfort items. bleh. you have to be creative with your choices like the following: pillow, football, canvas & paints, cologne. interactive! selfish! odour-masking! those people were thinking.
me, i’d have a hard time choosing between a deck of cards and a toothbrush.