feeling philanthropic. wanting to run out and join the art gallery, go see concerts, donate to fine causes. wanting to become an urban bohemian, replete with glasses, piercings and a copy of chaucer’s canterbury tales in my bag. sleepovers at the aquarium. recumbent galactic excursions at the planetarium, blowing bubbles at the stars. finally, thirsting for culture and information.
losing myself in the details. becoming mezmerized watching a flight of starlings swoop across the sky to lightly perch in the winter-naked birches.
waiting for that something which will provide the impetus to break out of the apathy.
getting better all the time.

i was good. casual. off-hand. “next time you have a couple days, we should go to the pub and catch up,” i said. then i logged off. i wasn’t going to sit around and wait for him to pay me attention. i wasn’t going to wonder what i could do to convince him to come over to watch the game with me. he’s on his way to arizona right now and i’m glad of it. the further he is from me, the better i feel about myself.
it’s not fair that just as i’m feeling completely secure in my solitude he can pop up out of the ether and disturb my equilibrium. of course, he did nothing to disturb me. it’s my reaction to him. i’ll give you that.
it’s good that he’s not around, that i haven’t seen him in eleven months. i’m going to ensure that the next time i do see him it’s not in my apartment, or his place. it will someplace without memories. with other people. with beer.
yeah… it’s best he didn’t come over last night. i haven’t shaved my legs in a week.

from a letter dated january 10, 1994 written to a friend about my then-new computer:
I paid $1578 plus taxes for the one with 4 MB RAM (of course) and the .28 dot pitch non-interlaced SVGA monitor. Everything is fully upgradeable so at any time I can plug in extra megs or a bigger hard drive. I haven’t been away from it since I picked it up so my vision is a little blurry these days. My Aunt and Uncle got me Lands of Lore: The Throne of Chaos for Christmas. They must really love me to get me a $60 computer game. Its one of those fantasy role-playing games. I didn’t know if you would like a copy so I didn’t include it but if you’re interested just give me shout and I’ll send it to you. Be warned! It takes up 22 MB on your hard drive and needs 590 K free to run properly. It’s addicting too.
hah! twenty-two megs for an rpg. hah, i say!

andrea asked me earlier how i was doing and this is how i answered her:
“i feel a little disconnected. like i’m a big non sequitor. i don’t quite relate to anything today.”
the more i think about it, the more i’m convinced it’s as honest as i’ve been in a fair while.

recently, i’ve been considering my growing satisfaction with my lack of love-life. it’s been over a year since i’ve had sex or any kind of physically affectionate interaction with another human being. usually, at about this point, i’d be freaking out, bemoaning my lack of monkey love and proclaiming myself doomed to eternal chastity. i just can’t seem to be upset about it, though.
when i start thinking about getting hot & sweaty with someone, i don’t get a thrill. i don’t ache for it. i don’t wriggle about in my chair wishing there was somone to pull me to my feet and take me up against the wall. ahem.
that’s not to say i still don’t have urges; but i’m happy to put my purple, vibrating appliance to the task. i don’t have to worry about whether or not he’ll get me off or if i’ll get him off. he doesn’t care what noises i make or if i shaved my legs. when i’m done, i can roll over and go to sleep. alone. i can take up the whole damn bed for myself. i will sleep deeply and peacefully in my post-orgasmic bliss, not worrying if i snore or fart during the night.
it’s odd to realize that i’m absolutely okay with not having someone to lust after, kiss or cuddle. moreso because i didn’t have to work at it, it just happened. i hope it lasts, i kind of like it.

sitting in the second row on a beautiful friday afternoon, listening to grieving daughters recollect their mother to the assemblage. old men with big ears and ill-fitting suits, old women in three-decade-old fashion faux pas brought out from the back of the closet. strangers filing through the double doors because of one woman’s death, and life. death makes people hungry; the sandwiches went quickly, but not as fast as the sweets. hugging, quiet conversation. smiles feel wrong somehow, but not as criminal as the sudden burst of laughter you hear from across the room. jealous, hoping to rate such a turnout.
i’m wasting time. i shouldn’t be so fucking cavalier with my life. time is short, don’t you ever forget it.

i’m listening to “copa cabana” of my own free will. loudly. and singing along.

tomorrow, i will be attending a memorial for my step-aunt who passed away last thursday.
i’ve never been to anything like this before. i don’t know the protocol. i don’t know the right things to say to her husband or her daughters. i only know that i have to be there, if only to spend a quiet moment in the church being thankful she was so welcoming of me into her home during the sunny summer pool parties and the recent winter holidays, a moment mourning for her newborn grandson who will never know what her voice sounded like, a moment remembering how she always loved to talk about books and coronation street with me, a moment being grateful she’s no longer in pain from her disease.
i don’t know what i’m supposed to say.

i dreamt that i was on a plane to france with mom and karen; but, as soon as we took off, i realized i’d forgotten my passport at home and i would be turned around and put on a plane home when we landed. i tried phoning my dad, or anyone i could think of, to try to break into my apartment, find my passport and courier it to france so it would be waiting for me when i landed. he wasn’t home anyway. i started freaking out and my mom just laughed at me over a plateful of mini-cherry turnovers. just to add insult to injury, i lost my wallet too.
the best thing about the dream was the plane. it was like a cruise ship in the sky! three restaurants, two bars, movie theatre, outside patios (on the wings), business lounge, privacy suites. the captain even announced that kirk douglas, burt reynolds and some band were on board!
it was scary walking out onto the wings with no safety ropes, let me tell you. it was a lot less windy then i’d thought it would be at thirty-five thousand feet.

i only went in to have him look at my ouchy tooth, dammit. now i’m sitting here as the freezing slowly drains from my face… *drip*
came home and the cable modem was angrily flashing orangey lights at me. i was not impressed, especially considering the state of my slowly thawing mouth. sat on hold with crappy 60’s porno hold music. got disconnected right as an operator picked up my call. phoned back. sat on hold with crappy 70’s porno hold music. got the bestest help desk chick ever. told her about the crappy 70’s porno hold music. also told her my theory about their putting the crappiest porno hold music they can find to make wannabe complainers hang up before they reach that elusive operator. she laughed. i laughed. my face hurt. i stopped laughing. she made me turn off and unplug things then went to talk to someone else while listening to crappy porno hold music again. two minutes after she came back, lights were no longer blinking and i was good to go. yay, linda! i should write her a letter.
while i was at the union office yesterday, hr got in a hissy fit about letters which needed doing and somehow managed to terrorize wilma & amelita into entering them. the best part: they fucked it all up because they don’t know the tricks to getting the program to do things it wasn’t supposed to do. it took them all day to go through about a quarter of what was sitting there. i got through half today. by myself. alone. because i know what i’m doing. dorks. i giggled when i found out. see? they really do panic when i’m not there. gotta wonder what they’ll do if i get the payroll position.
yeah, i think i’ve finally figured out that i have to apply for the temporary position in payroll. i’m not very happy doing data entry anymore and there’s so much data entry to do right now that i don’t even have time to do the other tasks which are a little more enjoyable and/or challenging. i don’t know if i’ll even get the position, but i have to try. i need a change or i’m going to become bitter and mean. well, more bitter and mean than i am already. it’s scary. i don’t normally like change. especially when it means i’ll have to leave my boss. i love my boss. he’s wonderful. my new boss would suck buckets, but at least i’d get to work with sandy and i’d learn new things. i love to learn new things. even if they are scary and now i’m babbling, so maybe i should just shut up and fill out the damn application. *droopy half-frozen smile*
i have to phone my mom and break it to her that i’m not really interested in going to visit this weekend. i mean, meghan’s making chili friday night. i can’t pass that up! besides, i’m really broke. even with the wcb cheque i got yesterday, which will just cover the few other things i need to buy and a new pair of jeans. not to mention paying for bowling sunday, if i decide to go. the jury’s still out on that. it’s somewhat scary to think of meeting all those other vancouver bloggers in person. i’m waiting for derrick to force me into it.
you know, i wasn’t going to mention anything about it, but i still can’t watch jamie & david’s pairs skate without crying. it’s a beautiful program with gorgeous music, but every time i watch it i *know* they didn’t get what they deserved and it breaks my heart. i could reconcile myself to the outcome if the russians had had a clean skate, but they didn’t. pass me a tissue, please.

well, a vd card. oh stop looking at me like that. you know exactly what i mean. dirty minds, all of you!
thank you, tanya! you made my otherwise loveless week! *smooch*

my lips are really chapped, which makes no sense as i’ve drunk over two litres (sorry, billy) of water today.
anyway, as for the drama of this morning. i really did think i’d be in for a delightful monday. marion, the security guard, gave me a this chocolate mousse and strawberry tart she’d made and there was a falson sitting on the fence as i drove down the hill. i figured they were good omens. it just went into the crapper from there. i was suffering from a serious case of jodi’s mean reds and everything was annoying me. especially the beautiful day outside i couldn’t even go walk in because i had too much work to do. so, i stayed at my desk and worked so much my wrists were throbbing by the time i said “fuck it” at three-thirty. i’ve been great since i left! even went grocery shopping and spent all of my week’s food allowance on staple-like stuff (pb & j, salsa, ziploc bags, shampoo… that kind of stuff). it’s a good thing i still have that 4kg bag of rice to eat until payday.
tomorrow’s a union day, so i won’t be around. wednesday, sandy and i are going out for lunch so i can pick her brain about whether or not i should apply for the payroll position. thursday… i hope is just a normal day. friday, meghan’s making chili for dinner.
i need more water. goodnight!

it seems i was wrong. very, very wrong.

you know your monday is going to be good when it starts out with chocolate and strawberries. yum!

i feel horribly sorry for myself right now. so i berate myself for feeling that way when i have no good reason to. maybe i’ll drink that ice wine i have in the fridge. no, i won’t do that. i’ve never been a drinker, which is a very good thing. too many alcoholics in my family as it is. okay, so i won’t drink. i could eat! but there’s nothing really bad for me to eat and there’s no point in emotional eating if it’s not junk food. i could work on the redesign, but that will just depress me more. i was so excited about it, but now… i’m already over-used to it. i could go for a drive in my freshly repaired car! but then i’ll miss out if m&m want to play tonight, which is, if i’m really honest, what i’m sitting here waiting for. i need more friends. hah! i could phone anthony! i stole his phone number off his application form. naw, he’s probably out doing cool things with his cool bootlegger buddies. it’s too late to go buy new jeans. i’m too broke to go rent a movie. i could phone tyler, whom i haven’t talked to in what seems like a very long time; but, i’m doing that whole passive-aggressive testing thing by waiting to see if he loves me enough to finally spend his own money to phone me. hey, at least i admit that’s what i’m doing. i’ll probably smoke a little, maybe even do dishes and read a while longer. i’ll give the folks up the hill another half hour before i get into my comfy pants. i’ve been dressed far too long today as it is. mmm, mono-paragraph. it’s like highschool all over again.

another $500 spent at the garage. why is it that every pipe is connected to something expensive so that when it gets a hole in it the price jumps by $200? oh well, at least the new catalytic converter will help me pass air care in april.
the best, and funniest, part of today’s mechanical outing was running into my dad just as he was leaving after his oil change. yay for me that i didn’t have to take the bus home!
now i have to figure out what i can make for dinner with only a head of lettuce, half a dozen tortillas and a 4kg bag of rice in house.

i want to know when it became acceptable to make someone who is sitting or standing in front of you wait while you answer a phone to talk to someone who is not. it’s been bugging me for a while now, this whole pavlovian reaction to the telephone. we jump to answer it, regardless of what else we’re doing at the time. every time i pick the phone up while i’m talking to someone face-to-face i feel guilty and i wonder why i bother.
i’ve noticed people’s reaction to their ringing phones a lot lately, mostly because i’ve stopped answering the other phones in my department. the other two data entry clerks still hop-to and pick up the calls of absent co-workers, but i’ve stopped. i have work to do and if the call isn’t for me, why should i waste my time with it? if it’s important, the person will call back.
they will call back.
it’s a little different in business, where if you don’t answer the phone call you may lose a sale which could ruin your business, but what about when you’re at home. you’re having a pleasant evening, talking and laughing or just hanging out with someone. don’t you think it says “hey, you’re not important enough for 100% of my attention” when you pick up that ringing phone? i do. unless you’re expecting someone who’s a part of your plans, let it ring or let the machine get it.
my father has never had an answering machine and only just recently succumbed to the evil that is voice mail. he always said “if it’s important, they’ll call back”. yeah, it pissed me off when i couldn’t reach him, but he’s right. i called back.
it’s all part of our NOW culture. i want to talk to you, so you must be available for me to talk to or you must leave me an avenue to deposit my message immediately. you can’t possibly expect me to wait for you. that will throw everything out of whack. i’ll have to adapt. we can’t have that. you must satisfy my wants NOW! patience? that’s a girl’s name, right?

the friday five!
1. What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for someone else?
   i’ve done a lot of things which some people would consider romantic, but i usually don’t because i just like to do nice things for people. the most recent was last year when i planned a whole day in honour of jason’s birthday. we went to the park, played catch, walked around the aquarium, watched people playing football on the green, had lunch, drove around and then met up with some people for dinner and bowling. although, he didn’t want to hang out with them so we just played pool and then he went home. god, i’m an idiot.
2. What are your erogenous zones?
   neck, insides of wrists, behind ears.
3. How old were you the first time you had sex? Care to expound?
   23. it was a mistake.
4. What’s the most unusual place you’ve ever had sex?
   edmonton.
5. Do you have plans for Valentine’s Day or is it just another Thursday?
   just another thursday.

i’ve been interviewed. most of the afternoon was spent trying to suppress the ever increasing jitters and fluttery stomach sensation i get when i’m nervous. luckily, i arrived at the restaurant early, so i had time to grab a latte and read a while until erin showed up to calm myself. when she came up to my table and asked “are you heather?” i had almost forgotten why i was sitting there.
erin was very nice and professional and most of her questions were of the sort i’d expect from someone looking to write an article about online journals and their authors. nothing really came from left field, which was nice. i only said “ack, ignore that” or “don’t print that” to the tape recorder a couple of times.
overall, i’m really glad i did it. especially that i sucked up enough intestinal fortitude to do a face-to-face interview rather than opting for the phone or email versions she offered. i just hope i didn’t sound like a complete moron.

i’ve been harrumph!ed.
several months ago, heather champ (the heather of the blogging community) sent out a short questionnaire to several heathers who blog about what it’s like to be named heather. she was thinking about doing something with the information, but hasn’t yet, as far as i’m aware. it gave me time to pause and think back on what the experience has been like and forced me to put it all into words. if i can find the reply i sent her, i may post it when i get home. then again, maybe not. i gave it to her to do with, i should let it remain so. i will say that i, too, felt somewhat lacking in the shadow of the other heathers i’ve known.
by the way, i had no idea heather was also called ling. that’s kind of neat.