my job used to include processing thousands of applications and resumes each year and i was always astounded and amazed by some of the things people would write and/or include in hopes of attracting attention of their potential employer. these are just a few of the more memorable outtakes.
“If your advertisement was written to attract my attention, it worked like a charm !”
yippee skippy!
“Objective: To obtain employment in the job that i’m applying for.”
gee, you think?
“I am available now and do not mind odd hours and shift work.”
oh good! we’ve been looking for someone to work 1, 3, 5, 7…
“There has not bin a job that I could not do.”
except spell ‘been’ correctly.
“After being downsized, a couple of years ago, I’am now wanting
to work at another trade or vocation.
My years of work experiences could work well for your company
in giving both of us, a Very Worthwile, Win-Win, Sucessful Combination.
I live a very sober and straight lifestyle. I am Bondable,
Honest, Trustworthy, Concienceous, and Reliable.
I know that I am, of the proper discipline
to undertake this challenge NOW.
I Extend to you, the Right!, to pass this Resume
along, to Whom Ever, might benefit from
our Mutual Association.
and, Thank You in advance!”
and i’m Passing it Along to You. you’re Welcome!
“I have the experience.
I have the Tools.
I have the Strength, energy and motivation.
To do great work for you!”
hmm, maybe if i have no experience or real skills, but write my cover letter like a poem they’ll hire me! uh, no.
“This is with reference to my telephonic conversation dated 27 November with one of your staff, I would like to apply…”
telephonic? supersonic? chronic, polyphonic! *do-doo-be-doop*
“Here is my application. I appreciated the time you took to speak with me last week. As you can see, my resume on its own doesn’t show how hard I can work. I am 6’1″ and 235 pounds of pure muscle. Have me for an interview.”
i’m not sure exactly what kind of job he thinks he’s applying for, but sure! i’ll have you for an interview, you big hunk of muscle.
“I’m faxing you at this time, in regards to and employment opportunity. I’m an Electronics Engineer. Describing with some details my career experience you could see that I have experience, with control and instrumentation equipment, due too work at a laboratory and inside a facility too; y got some experience working with mechanical parts. I know anything about calibration, repair and maintenance of electronics instrument as well as data acquisition equipment too. Thinks like computer programming, software development. Software packages are quiet good dominated. Additionally I got some other valuable courses, to prepare you to attend difficulties as well as to help you solve problems during certain dangerous situations and to prevent it. I though you were probably interest in a person like me, or with the experience or preparation like the one I have, please accept my resume I would like to share it with you. I will be happy to schedule and interview to answer all you questions. And don’t hesitate to contact me.”
there’s just too much to choose from. [insert your joke here]
“I have a strong body and an agile mind. I can work in any conditions and used to work day after night.
…And so, I fax this letter to you, and hope we can work together. Another page of paper is my resume.
If you can hire me, I would try my best to do it well. And make friendship with colleague.
I hope you are interested in what I said. And I am waiting for your reply.
Best truly of yours.”
sometimes it just sounds like their ran their letter through babelfish. best truly of yours, too!
This reminds me of when I worked for the provincial immigration office – poor souls writing our minister about wanting to move to BC from whatever country. Their English would be terrible, but I was always touched by their effort to come to Canada to better their lives and that of their families.
Bad grammar and spelling is my pet peeve too – but I can’t help be compassionate to these folks (immigrants, uneducated, poor writers or what have you) who try so hard to find work. But there is no excuse for the guy who writes of his muscles! Too funny!
oops. I mean “bad grammar and spelling SKILLS ARE my pet peeveS..”
duh!
Must have more coffee.
My favourite funny was when someone sent in a resume claiming they had thorough knowledge of about 100 different subjects. Except apparently the proper spelling of thorough. They obviously spell-checked it, and it came back as “through.”
Since they claimed knowledge in anything they had ever experienced (job-relevant or not) from filling their own car with fuel to feeding dogs to waking up every day whether they needed to or not, there were a lot of “through”s to work through!
is it just me or does toning your resume with a particular ” I’m probably too good for this menial job anyway so.. whatever ” feel to it get you hired quicker? Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s the current industry I’m appealing to.. but I’ve never had a problem getting a job with a very subtle FU resume. Is it that whole ” make yourself in demand ” thing that makes ppl kiss your ass? Bah, this is hard to describe but you get the point.
actually… it’s probably just me as I usually get a “ur hired” before a resume hits the table. Go truckin’ … woo.
I see a lot of resumés, too, and so many of them are horrible, as are the ones you’ve quoted. I posted about it loong ago, like this one: http://shiz.typepad.com/journalicious/2004/03/how_to_get_hire.html