she been gone so long

no, i’m not dead. although, for the past four days i’ve been feeling like i’d rather be. for xmas, santa brought me a cold. a cold which has been running roughshod over my body. i might have been better if i hadn’t been some form of loyal idiot and went to work yesterday. today, i know better. after waking every hour on the hour to cough up a piece of lung, i finally phoned my boss’s boss at 5:45 to tell him i was staying home. i still feel horrible guilt, but at least i know i’m taking care of myself. there was soup and a mandarin orange. soon, there will be a long, hot bath and a nap.
my holiday weekend was quiet and fairly uneventful. a trip to the island, seeing the cousins after a year, too much food, the chronicles of narnia, and a boxing day shopping debacle. i wasn’t expecting gifts, but i still managed to get entirely spoiled. mom got me lots of little things i like and need, then meghan blindsided me with the 50mm lens i’ve been coveting for over half a year (now don’t i feel like crap for getting her a dinky gift. ugh).
sleep hasn’t been very good to me the past few weeks. first the lack due to too much socializing and an early work start. then the uncomfortable spare bed at the maternal unit’s. finally, the lack of breathing due to disease. seems whenever my sleep gets choppy, my dreams get funky. xmas eve night, i dreamt of morgan. all night. i was so happy to see him, i literally ran into his arms. when i woke the following morning, still emotional over the fantasy reunion, i tried to track down the reason fof the timing of the thoughts. then i realized: his birthday was the 24th. the next night, i dreamt of rick and a disapproving mark & meghan. maybe it’s the holidays bringing past lovers into my nocturnal thoughts. all i know is that i’ll be very glad when i can again sleep through the night and awake oblivious to my dreams.
i’m in the middle of trying to re-frame my life. i’m feeling the need to change some things. to work harder at work. to spend more time in creative endeavours instead of parked on the futon, watching tv. to go outside. to read more. to listen to more music (which reminds me, i really have to buy my jeff tweedy ticket today). to take more photos. to spend more time with the people i enjoy and less with those i don’t. it’s not so easy to change habits you’ve had since your first memory. i don’t know if i’ll succeed. i don’t know if i want to even say that i’m attempting it. seems like i’m tempting failure that way. i guess we’ll see. just like everything else…