lately i seem to be attracting the attention of people from my past. dan’s been trying his hardest to find time to talk with me. rick’s been very communicative. even karen was out here from manitoba. all of these have been good things, for certain. what i wasn’t expecting though was the rush of almost-forgotten emotion when i saw a young man on the ferry who looked just. like. paul.
i was lined up to disembark, when i just happened to glance over at this guy stretched out on the naugahyde seats. i think i gasped. i know my heart skipped at least one beat. his resemblance was uncanny. he wore his hat the same way, had the same glasses, the same lips and cheeks, was long and lean just like paul… for half a second i thought it was him. “what’s he doing here? did he leave alberta?? oh my god!”
of course, that brought back all sorts of memories and feelings about him. what it was like to meet him for the first time, how sweet and gentle he was, and alternately how strong and forceful he could be. his humour, his hands, his couch, his eyes, his voice, his intelligence. i remembered how we’d talk every night for hours, how it felt to have him wake up in the morning and put his arms around me, how he left everyone to come stand beside me while i smoked at the bowling alley even though he hated my smoking.
i walked off the ferry with the urgent desire to find him and talk to him, to reconnect with all of that, with everything we shared. then i remembered the bad stuff. the pain, the lies, the other women, the emotional blackmail, the sexual usery, the coldness. i remembered the feeling of my heart dropping in my chest when he confirmed that he’d slept with his ex. i remembered the rage i felt at seeing his name or picture or anything that brought him to mind.
i still have a small part of that rage, just as i still have a small part of that love. i just don’t know if it’s better to leave things as they are, in the past, or reconnect just because i can’t help myself.
ooh- heather, leave them as they are. REALLY!
Leave them in the past.
see right now you still have good bits that you remember. but if you try to revive a dead relationship, then you run the risk of killing even those few good memories. when i’m lonely, or sad, i think back on guys i dated, or things i used to do, and i remember the good parts. and i used to ONLY remember the good things, because it suited my purpose. but now i’m better at playing the tape to the end, and realizing the truth- that the same damn thing would happen again as happened last time, and it would hurt just as much, if not more.