will kevlar work?

i woke up with a headache again today. that’s almost every day this week. i shouldn’t be surprised though, i’ve been abusing myself nutritionally and depriving myself of sleep. but still, it would be nice to wake up just one morning without having to stuff acetaminophen in my gob just to be able to face the day.
yesterday, after rushing home and tidying up, i plunked myself down in front of the tv to watch the hockey game and wait for jason to show up. the game started, he wasn’t there. he’d left no indications that he was at all ambivalant about coming over, which made his absence suspicious, so i kept waiting.
halfway through the first period, after imagining that he’d stayed up all night and was still asleep or mike had come into town and they were out carousing or he’d decided that he was just going to avoid me and was at home watching the game with his roommate, i gave up my “be strong and don’t call” stance and phoned him. it was busy. “fuck him!” i thought, “that motherfucker. he could have at least called me if he wasn’t going to show up.” i got online and emailed him “??”, which he’d know meant “where the fuck are you? i though you said you were coming over.” i hadn’t seen him in three weeks, i was really looking forward to it.
at this point i wasn’t going to wait for him anymore because he was obviously occupied talking on the phone or online playing need for speed 3. so i scarfed down some leftover pizza, poured myself some diet a&w rootbeer, went outside to have a power smoke then came inside to watch more hockey.
during the first intermission, i had a yen for popcorn so i stuck a package in the microwave (i’m still fascinated by microwave popcorn technology) and just as the carousel starts to turn my intercom buzzes. “oh shit,” i thought. i answer it. it’s jason. an hour late, but arrived nonetheless. “i was just swearing at you,” i said to him as he walked in the door. “why?” “because your phone is busy,” i answer. “i must have forgotten to log it off before i left,” he said. yup, i jumped to conclusions again.
this just an example of my contradictory nature. i’m an optimist, for everyone but myself. when it comes to me though, i always expect the worst. i assume people are deliberate in their attempts to hurt or slight me, when i am probably just taking everything a little (or maybe a lot) too seriously. the only positive light in all of this is that i’m aware of it. admitting you have a problem is the first step in fixing it, as the good ol’ boys at aa are wont to say.
i used to be afraid of becoming cynical and jaded. now i want to. no, i want to cultivate the skill to be aloof without compromising my inate need to trust those i care about. could i possibly want anything more difficult of myself?
so please be careful with me, i’m sensitive and i’d like to stay that way