kids are weird

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so, i’m a part-time part-parent to three kids these days.

my boyfriend, Brad, has three kids who are 10-, 8- and 6-years-old, who live with us for a certain percentage of each week.  while i never set out to be anyone’s parental figure, i always kind of thought i’d make a pretty okay step-mom, if i ever were to meet a man who had already procreated.  Brad and the kids, luckily, seem to agree, for the most part.

most of the time, it’s a pretty fun adventure. i got to skip diapers and they can all feed, dress and bathe themselves (with enough cajoling).  they can communicate in mostly-full sentences and they can comply with most simple directions without assistance (with enough cajoling).  i feel like this was a pretty great age to start a family — not my age, i think i’m way too old to suddenly have kids, honestly; but, their age.  they’re fun and mostly autonomous (with enough cajoling).  it’s kinda cool and takes a lot of the pressure off.

but, what i just can’t get my head around is food.  trying to feed these three kids is a Herculean task!  why, you ask?  well, let me point-form it for you:

  • first, just getting three kids to sit at the table for however it long it takes the slowest eater to finish their meal is a trial. i’d like to invest in a seat restraint system to keep their butts in their chairs, but i think that might be frowned upon.
  • that’s if you can find a meal all of the kids will eat; because:
    • one kid hates potatoes
    • two kids hate rice — unless it’s in an avocado or cucumber roll
    • one kid hates tomatoes
    • one kid hates bacon — BACON?!
    • one kid hates lettuce
    • two kids hate cheese — unless it’s on pizza
    • two kids refuse to eat chicken — INCLUDING CHICKEN FINGERS!
    • one kid refuses to eat fish — INCLUDING FISH STICKS!
    • one kid will only eat spaghetti-shaped pasta
    • one kid hates ketchup
    • one kid hates mustard
    • all kids hate mushrooms
    • one kid only likes Freshslice pizza
    • one kid only likes Panago pizza
    • they’ve never had chinese food, but refuse to try anything new, so…
    • Brad can’t eat dairy of any kind (which just limits our meal options another level)
    • none of the kids like McDonald’s — WELCOME TO THE TWILIGHT ZONE
  • for the most part, the kids don’t know how to use cutlery properly — trying to get them to use a knife and fork to cut anything without it turning into a temper tantrum is futile.  despite how many times i try to tell them, they consider everything finger food.
  • but! one kid freaks out if his hands get dirty/sticky — YOU SEE THE PROBLEM HERE, RIGHT?!

so, yeah.  sigh.

i mean, i was – ahem, am – a picky eater, but i think it’s just easier to handle with one kid.  multiplying it by three and adding in all the different combinations of dislike makes trying to plan healthy, well-balanced meals a Mensa-level mind-bender.

we have a regular schedule of Taco Wednesdays and Spaghetti Sundays, but the other couple nights a week we need to feed them are utterly frustrating. i don’t want to serve them ground beef-based things multiple nights in a row, but if that’s the only thing they’ll eat, what else can we do?

so, we add in sloppy joes and Brad’s version of Hungarian Goulash.  sometimes we can cook them ribs, but that’s starting to out of favour, just like hamburgers and hot dogs did.  shepherd’s pie is a no-go because of the potatoes.  cabbage roll casserole is a no-go because of the rice.  mac & cheese is out because of the dairy and pasta shape restriction. they won’t eat sandwich meat, so there’s no sandwiches.  they can’t cut up a sliced roast if it’s on their plate, so we don’t do that (besides, what’s the point of a roast if you can’t serve it with potatoes or rice?).

we have a three-bite rule for new foods, but even that doesn’t work sometimes.  we’re also pretty solid about no dessert if they don’t eat their whole dinner, especially if it’s something they’ve successfully eaten before; but, even that doesn’t work if one or more of them is feeling particularly ornery  that evening.  so we tell them “don’t worry kids, if you don’t want to finish your dinner, it’ll be waiting for your bedtime snack”.  you can imagine how well that goes over.

googling “kid-friendly dinner ideas” comes back with all these cheesy, creamy, breaded things that any combination of the five us can’t or won’t eat.  i don’t know what to do anymore, really.

it’s not all bad, though.  they like most vegetables, even if preferably raw. so, the chances of them getting scurvy are low, at least.

on sugar and survival

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fifty days ago, on a whim inspired by the book i was reading at the time, i gave up most forms of sugar and all forms of artificial sweeteners. it was an interesting experiment. these are my observations:

  • i didn’t miss sugar at all. with the more healthful alternatives i was allowed (raw honey, organic maple syrup & agave nectar), i got by just fine day to day.
  • what i did miss was the flexibility to eat whatever i wanted whenever i wanted. i said “i can’t eat that” a lot and that kind of restriction started to chafe after a month.
  • my breath got a lot better. i’ve always known that my mouth would get a gross coated feeling after i ate something really sugary, but i guess i didn’t think about what would happen once i got all the sugar out of my system. this was good because i couldn’t chew gum or eat mints to cover up any bad breath.
  • sugar hides in almost every processed food item you can imagine. seriously, here’s just a few names it can use: maltose, barley malt, maltodextrin, dextrose, fruit juice concentrate, succinate.
  • i lost about four pounds without even trying. it was a wholly unintended consequence, but it makes sense, since the sugar-added things i was avoiding were mostly high-calorie things.
  • okay, i cheated a little. i ate some processed foods which probably contained sugar. also, when my knee borked out i had some pity chocolate and after giving blood i ate cookies. and, boy, did i pay for it! the day after giving blood, i had THE WORST headache ever. ohmygod.
  • if it hadn’t been for this experiment, i might never have discovered i actually LIKE steel-cut oatmeal. i’d say that’s totally worth it right there.

four days ago, i ate sugar again. boy, did i eat sugar again. and, you know what? i’ve felt like ass the entire four days.
in conclusion (boy, i haven’t used that to start a final paragraph since about 1992), removing sugar & sweeteners from my diet for 46 days was a Very Good Thing. i’m glad i did it and i think, overall, there will be a lot less sugar in my diet in the future. it’s just empty calories which react badly in my body and i’m all about making my body happy these days.

cookies, candies and cakes, oh my!

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i’ve been spending a inordinate amount of time thinking about what my first deliberate taste of sugar is going to be when Lent and my self-imposed sugarlessness end.
when i was at Shane’s birthday, i was sure it would be Cupcakes.
on Saturday, i was sure it would be some creative Japanese candy.
Sunday, i was sure it would be Diet Pepsi.
just a minute ago, i was sure it would be cake.
two seconds ago, i was sure it would be a root beer float with real vanilla ice cream.
Lent ends in two weeks and i’m kind of afraid that i’m going to spend the entirety of those fourteen days thinking about what kind of sugar i’m going to eat to break my fast.
you’d think i’d be over it by now seeing as it’s been over a month already. stupid sugar! why do you have to be in so many tasty things?!

end of an era

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on my BC Hydro bill before-last, i was informed that thanks to their new tiered rate structure and my low daily kilowatt usage, my monthly bill would be reduced from $23 to $17 dollars.
last night, the television consumer advocate Chris Olson reported on a new low rate for home phone service from Telus. mere moments later, Telus called me and, after declining their internet or tv service, i got me a lower phone bill, saving me about $10 each month.
that’s $16 more every month i’ll have to spend on the Purely Decadent Coconut Milk “ice cream” i’ve discovered! or the agave syrup i put in my coffee instead of sugar or Splenda. or put into my savings account so i have money available to buy myself new pants or take a long-lost friend out to lunch.
i like it when my bills get smaller instead of bigger, don’t you?
in other news, the whole no sugar/sweeteners thing is going so well i passed up Timbits yesterday. oh, how i wanted one. they were calling to me from the little yellow handled box on the receptionist’s desk. tempting me with their bite-sized doughy goodness. i even went so far as to stick my nose in and take a great big whiff of them. then i walked away.
i don’t quite know what’s gotten in to me, really. i even seem to like oatmeal now. that’s an accomplishment because i haven’t even contemplated oatmeal since the traumatic oatmeal incident at Outdoor School in grade four.
there we were, sitting on the benches at those long tables in the dining room with that giant poster up on the wall with the lyrics to the “Johnny Appleseed” song we sang before each meal. then the big pots of mushy, overcooked, slimy oatmeal were thumped on the table. i cringed. i knew i wasn’t going to be able to eat any of that ooze, but i tried anyway. grabbing the handle of the big serving spoon, i dolloped a sickening glop of mush into my bowl, then shoveled half the container of brown sugar onto it in a futile attempt at masking that awful flavour of it. my spoon stirred in the sugar, swirling around my bowl, but never getting remotely close to approaching my mouth. finally, a fraction of the spoon filled, i wrinkled my face and touched it to my reluctantly opened mouth.
as soon as that slimy, sweet mush touched my tongue, i was done. i probably gagged. there was definitely gacking and shuddering. pushing the bowl away from me, i looked around eagerly for anything else in that cavernous room to keep me fed until lunch time. nothing except juice. i must have drunk five glasses full. then, a fellow classmate asked if he could have my oatmeal. thrusting it at him, i vowed then and there i’d never EVER eat oatmeal ever again for the rest of my life. EVER.
almost 30 years later… a recently food-curious adult Heather was shopping in her local IGA when she paused in front of the Bob’s Red Mill section and looked at that bag of steel-cut oats with something akin to excitement. what the hell! it was only $3.99. it was time to see if it was just over-cooked rolled oats which had given oatmeal a bad name for nigh on three decades.
i brought them home and plunked the package on the counter, awaiting the next morning to try my hand at cooking oats for the first time. waking the next day, leaving the boy in bed for his extra hours of sleep, i again regarded the bag of oats with curiosity, then pulled out a pot and measuring cups.
about twenty minutes later, i had a bowl of chewy steel-cut oats drizzled with some maple syrup. they were definitely oaty in flavour, but had a lovely texture and not at all ooze-like. i ate the bowl in its entirety. then filled it again. i couldn’t get enough! i still can’t! all week long, when i haven’t been eating oatmeal, i’ve been thinking about eating oatmeal.
it’s hard to admit to giving up a food phobia. it makes people say things like “next up: mayonnaise!” (no way!) and, honestly, look at you weird when you start yammering on about how AMAZING oatmeal is because they’ve been eating it all their lives and they truly can’t imagine anyone getting that excited about a hot grain cereal. even when it has syrup and slivered almonds on top. YUM!
so, this is the story of the end of an era: i eat (steel-cut) oatmeal; and, i’d be everso happy to share some with you.

pour some sugar on me! not.

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hi. my name is Heather, and i haven’t had sugar in seven days.
“hi, Heather!”
well, i haven’t exactly had no sugar, if you really want to get all technical about it.
i slipped on Monday and had one of the dark chocolate peppermint patties my delightful boyfriend bought while waiting for the ferry home and so thoughtfully left at the apartment of the person who GAVE UP SUGAR FOR LENT! *sigh* he is an awesome boyfriend, but leaving those there was an evil, evil temptation. especially when i was in the middle of a disability crisis.
if it’s any consolation, that one peppermint patty — no matter how good it tasted going down — gave me the only headache i’ve had since i stopped eating overtly added sugars. just for that benefit, i’m totally sticking with the plan.
there have been other exceptions, as previously noted. the meaty spaghetti sauce i made was based on a jar of sauce which had sugar added, but it was in the pantry, so it’s within the rules. i added some ketchup to the hashbrowns i had for breakfast, lunch and dinner on Tuesday. the Ultimate Crunches i ate on the ferry were probably havens for hidden sugars, but i totally avoided the ketchup & relish i’d normally add to them! and, the bread i eat my PB-no-J on has sugar at the bottom of the ingredient list; but, i sent one of my extra loaves home with mom to get that much closer to replacing it with sugar-free bread.
i’m still trying to figure out what i’d order at Starbucks, though. especially since i don’t like unsweetened coffee products.
then came the kitchen clean out. that sweet chili sauce which has been taking up room in my fridge for the last three years (when i bought it at Costco), has finally been expunged. so have the three jars of pickles way past their expiry dates — ew. the sugary organic oatmeal packets i bought in hopes of actually acquiring a taste for the mushy cereal will be donated to someone who will actually eat them. Christopher’s yummy ginger drinks have gone back to his house since, despite their awesomeness, no one needs to drink something with FOUR DIFFERENT KINDS OF SUGARS listed in the ingredients. well, except him, it seems.
strangely, it seems both a much longer and a much shorter period of time i’ve been doing this. it’s not hard, exactly. i just spend a lot more time asking “does X have sugar in it?” than most normal people, but otherwise, it’s not much of a hassle. yet.
until i try to go to Starbucks!
p.s. just a reminder, this coming Saturday is the re-scheduled blood donation day for Kimli and i! how very exciting! unfortunately for me, Christopher will be unable to escort us, so i’m totally asking: who wants to come along to make sure i don’t pass out or die on my way home?