while i feel a lot less attacked so far this morning, i’m suffering all the same. i could use a hothot bath, a huge mug of mint tea and a day in the über-bed reading trashy brit-lit to make it all better.
in other news, i’ve decided to officially put my ibook obsession to rest (unless an offer i can’t refuse comes my way) and focus on getting a new monitor instead. my daytek is soon to permanently fade to black and i’d like to set myself up with a 19″ lcd in its place. i have a hard time believing that i can get such a thing for the same price i paid for my 17″ crt. then again, that was seven years ago. yay progress!
tonight i’m going out for sushi. except for vague plans involving kung pao chicken, photo-work and blackberry merlot, my weekend should be quite the shut-in extravaganza as long as my dvds show up this afternoon (ocean’s twelve, closer & i heart huckabees). yeah, i’m a party animal.
today hates me. i just want to go home and cry.
wow, even my horrorscope knew i’d have it rough today:
If you weren’t already in the mood to let thing out when you woke up this morning, you will be very soon. You’ve been trying to keep something quiet, even after it obviously had to emerge, and it’s been exhausting. Oh, just let it go. Once you release this burden, you’ll be able to relax and enjoy yourself. And this is one of those things that really does need to see the light of day, anyway.
damn, i peeked at tomorrow’s and it looks like it won’t be any better. bummer.
i’ve discovered the perfect way to be able to go out on a work night and yet not be all super-exhausted and grumpy by nine-fifteen: come home, eat dinner, have a shower and then go out. this has a couple benefits: you’re full of good food energy, freshly showered and coiffed, and, if you’re normally a morning-shower person, the evening-shower will psych you out and make you think it’s a lot earlier than the eleven o’clock it is when you get home. rawk!
thankfully i was all cute and awake for music bingo last night, where i won both first and second place in one game. go me! that’s $25 in gift certificates to the pub. actually, if i do the math, it cost the pub $13.83 to have me come play music bingo last night ($25 free stuff – $12.17 tab). of course, my beer-drinking friends more than made up for my cheap night.
speaking of pubs, beer and friends, i can’t even start to think about how upset it makes me that m&m are smoking again. with mark, i kind of expected it, but meg? i actually started to cry when i found out. right there in the middle of the pub. of course, i was already half-drunk, but i still get really tangled up inside when i think about it. they did so well, for a whole year! ugh. it breaks my heart. meg’s smoking a lot more than she did even a month ago, too.
part of the reason it upsets me so is that one of her excuses is that if mark smokes, she can’t not smoke. what a fucking load of horse crap. my mom quit while i was still smoking like a fucking chimmney inside the house. my uncle quit while my aunt was still puffing like a madwoman inside their house. anyway, i just have to keep telling myself that it’s not my life, not my relationship, not my lungs… but it still makes me want to cry.
how wrong is it that i was actually excited to manage to fill up my gas tank at 99.5¢/litre instead of the 105.9¢/litre it was when i left for work this morning?
although, i have good gas-related news! with the fixed car, suddenly all those missing mileage kilometres are back! i can now drive further on a tank of gas. that takes a little bit of the sting away when i fill up.
my random coffee excursion with davin last night was pretty fun. now i’m sleepy, which will only be exacerbated by going out to music bingo tonight. ugh. oh, and i need a haircut in the worst way.
i just want you all to know that if i visit your site and it has advertising which will benefit you monetarily, i will click on it. i consider it my way of paying you back for sharing yourself with me. so, if you wonder where the clickies come from, it’s probably me. ;)
first, and before i forget entirely, many thanks to my guest bloggers col and bruce (and bruce and bruce) for keeping the place active while i was away. of course, they did a better job than i usually do, so now i’m thinking i might not be wanted back.
so, yeah, i’m returned from victoria. it was a wholly successful vacation as long as you define vacation as eating way too much and barely getting off your ass for a week. there really was very little going on except getting to hang out with a bunch of j-named people and watching a lot of curling on tv.
i got to meet jason’s obscenely large television on saturday night, then we proceeded to drink all the alcohol in his house and play need for speed: underground until two in the morning. monday, julie treated me to an amazing lunch and then we fetched a raggedy jim and went to make some photos. can i just say that it’s some kind of freaky how many little things julie and i have in common? we were even wearing similar outfits. i had an inkling, but now i’m positive she’s just the kind of people i need more of in my life.
now that i’m home, i’m procrastinating taking the smoking car to the garage, doing vacation laundry and restocking my fridge with some semblance of food. i was so, so, so grateful to sleep in my own bed last night it’s almost pornographic. travelling is fine, but it’s nowhere near as good as coming home.
three times in the last week i’ve stabbed or sliced my hands with knives. the chef’s knife got me while i was doing dishes. the bread knife got me while i was cutting my sandwich in half. the pocket knife got me while i was trying to open a compact flash package. i swear, my knives have all tasted blood and they liked it.
so, it’ll be very quiet around here for the next week. i’m running away to the island after work tonight and i won’t be home again until some time on thursday. i won’t have easy access to a computer, which will be interesting and challenging since i hope to take a lot of photos (see? this is exactly why i need an ibook!). i guess i’ll just have to be more judicious with my snapping than i’d normally be.
my vacation plans are simple: relax, enjoy, play. i have to do a little bit of studying for my final exam, too, i guess. i’ll be in victoria from saturday afternoon onward. i’m doing serious praying for a rainless week. the weatherman is trying to disappoint me, but i have faith.
have a great week everyone!
i’ve been collecting things to write about, but i haven’t actually made a note of them anywhere physical or digital. this is dangerous because then these random “blog thoughts” pop into my head during the day or night and i fear that these wonderful, witty, insightful gems will disappear into the ether like most of my unspoken deep thoughts. *cough*
let’s see… did you know that $100 only buys three bras? you shouldn’t bake cookies while on the phone: some will be over-done, others will be under-done. don’t let boy trouble inspire you to eat pizza & drink lots of vodka or your new jeans won’t fit anymore. jeremy is evil and has planted seeds of ibooks in my head. i am so so so excited to go to victoria i have no words. the right side of my bed has started squeaking; instead of fixing it, i’m sleeping on the left side. a little bit of cheese makes a sandwich good.
back in august (which is pretty much a lifetime ago), i asked y’all to go vote for my photo to be on a jones soda label. i don’t know if you did, but someone at jones liked it and NOW MY PHOTO IS ON A SODA BOTTLE LABEL! ohmygodohmygod. i’d actually forgotten that i’d submitted a photo, it’d been so long. then to receive a letter and six labels in the mail yesterday just made me crazy with joy. yay! i’m thrilled!
last night was my final java class. woo! it’s looking like if i pass the final, i should be able to just pass the course. to be on the safe side, i’m aiming for a solid 70% on the exam, just to pad my margins a little. unfortunately, i won’t see my school buddies again this term because i’ll be in victoria when they write the final. boo. i really enjoy having friends to chat and commisserate with through a course.
in other school-related news, i’ve decided that i’m not taking my last course next term, but waiting until september. i’m just not into the school thing and i think it’d be better if i take some time off and concentrate on some more creative learning.
this morning i’m still revelling in a very sensual dream i had right before i woke up. in it, this boy i know and enjoy laid me down onto his bed, cupped my chin in his large paw and proceeded to kiss me in a manner which i didn’t know i could be kissed. it was so intense and arousing… *shakes it off* yeah, dreams are good.
kinda bloo, but not really. kinda excited, but not really. kinda disappointed, but not really. kinda sexy, but not really. kinda good, but not really. kinda smart, but not really. kinda pretty, but not really. kinda special, but not really. kinda angry, but not really. kinda lazy, but not really. kinda talented, but not really. kinda sleepy, but not really. kinda miserable, but not really.
you know, i could get used to four-day weekends. even after going into work yesterday (yes, on easter sunday), i find myself in a great place. the apartment is clean and tidy, i’ve a short work week ahead of me and then a week off to look forward to. i’m not even stressing about school crap (since there’s no point in stressing anymore).
today, i’m going to do a little bit of laundry and go bra-shopping. i know, i’m way too exciting for words. how was your weekend?
it’s 8:45 and i just got out of bed. i’m sitting here in my underpants, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, waiting for the kettle to boil and bring me some coffee. unfortunately, the kettle hasn’t actually been trained to bring me coffee, but i’m half asleep. i’m allowed to dream.
i spent some post-vodka time last night reading old logs. i used to be a huge hoarder of logs. i’d log anything. i kept all my mail: email, snail mail, talker mail. if i could log it, i would. it proved useful occassionally. mostly, it was just a way to feel like i wouldn’t forget anything that happened. that there was actually some record somewhere of the nice (or nasty) things people said to me.
unfortuntely, i started reading old morgan logs last night. a combination of boy trouble, having a brief email correspondence with paul-from-the-past and posting that photo of him yesterday got me curious. what was it that i saw in him? what the hell did he see in me? it was kind of nice to see so many declarations of unflagging love. then i skipped to the end and saw all the hateful, angry words he threw at me across cyberspace…
it doesn’t upset me to read, exactly. mostly, it makes me feel old and tired and very, very sad. both for him and myself. i didn’t do things right by him, i freely admit that. i didn’t know how to say “i like you, enjoy spending time with you, but there’s just not that something i need to make it serious, permanent.”
that’s what annoys me so much about people and emotion. why is it that one person can feel so much for someone yet not have it returned? isn’t that just cruel? you shouldn’t be attracted to people who aren’t attracted to you right back. it would solve so many headaches! well, at least mine.
confession: i was actually working on two crushes.
both are boys i’ve known for a long time. one is someone i’d never really considered crushing on for many reasons, mostly because i just hadn’t spent that much time talking to him and didn’t really know if there was that possibility. the other is a return crushee. he’s the person with which i feel completely myself. there’s no pretension or worries about what he’s thinking when we hang. it’s so nice and casual, that’s probably why whenever we do hang i spend the wake bobbing in choppy emotional water.
neither of them are going to amount to anything, i’m sure. they’re just current examples of my being attracted to boys who don’t quite like me back enough to take that extra step past casual whatever to “gotta see you again or i might explode”.
sorry, i didn’t mean this to turn into a woe is me post. it’s just a dump of all the things i’ve been thinking this week. it’s better out than in, my mom always said.
yeah, i got nothin’.
my supervisor is away today. i’m more interested in going back home and crawling into my freshly laundered bed and staying there for the remainder of my four-day weekend with a smoochable boy bringing me books, vodka and pizza than working.
wade chose today’s photo. i haven’t been shooting in so long there’s nothing new for me to post. i really need to go outside.
oh, btw, happy easter.
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okay, i’m over the crush.
well, not really, but i’ve decided i really don’t enjoy being that crazed when there’s little hope of reciprocation or consumation. i don’t want to be that stupid, gushing, needy, annoying girl who’s fawning ridiculously over some guy, trying desperately to get him to give her just an inkling that she’s the least bit important to him. it’s a waste of energy and it’s really bad for my self-confidence.
therefore, i’m shutting down all the daydreams and fantasies. i’m no longer waiting for a phone call or a message. i’m not talking about, thinking about or making plans. done.
yeah, i know. that’ll last five minutes. at least i tried.
i’m crushing really hard and i’m trying not to get too worked up, but i’m failing and it means all those anxious, yearning feelings and the blank walls and empty spaces of my apartment feel blanker and emptier while all i want to do is have them crawl into my bed with me at night and hold me until i fall asleep or come up behind me and kiss my neck or phone and leave me a goddamn voicemail just because they wanted to hear my voice while i was away at work.
spring sucks.
no matter how much you want to, don’t take anything a drunk person says to heart.
in other news, we’re very near the 10,000th comment on this here blog. i’ve decided that the 10,000th commenter shall get a set of 4 greeting cards made from their choice of any of the photos i’ve posted on the site. so comment away! you could get free stuff!
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seems i’m doing everything possible to avoid yucky tasks. i’m far too preoccupied with other things. i want to run away (i just need a place to run to).
save me.