Category Archives: Words

the highlight of my afternoon:
getting up and going for a walk around the building because i couldn’t feel my ass anymore.

i’m fairly sure i’m the last person online to have ever read this blog. shame on me.

 1. i don’t want anyone to talk to me today.
 2. olive oil really does work just as well as those really spendy hot oil treatments for your hair.
 3. i really want to talk about something, but i can’t because someone will read it here and that will spoil the surprise.
 4. there’s an itchy spot on my back that just won’t go away.
 5. buying bras is annoying.
 6. i’m not very good at video games.
 7. sometimes, i can’t stop myself from flirting.
 8. i dreamt i had a date with a guy named dean, but not that dean, a different one.
 9. i wish i had a door i could use to shut everyone out of my work space.
10. my nose is stuffy.
11. i’ve been the other woman.
12. there is a box of frozen waffles in my freezer from last spring.
13. someday i will have season’s tickets to the canucks.
14. jason’s done some really nice stuff for me.
15. meghan’s significant other is hot.
15. people always seem to pick on me.
16. i can’t remember how many years i’ve had my nose pierced; but, i still remember the date it was done (april 27).
17. i need to shave my legs.
18. last night, i slept on the other side of the futon.
19. i can’t wait until the weekend.
20. i waste more time than anyone.
21. i don’t know how to cook for one person at a time.
22. sandy’s annoying me with the way she’s distributing my work load.
23. my boss wants me to beta test microsoft windows “whistler”.
24. i am freakishly good at remembering phone numbers.
25. i would have liked to learn latin in highschool.

i don’t feel very interesting today. go read someone else.

i couldn’t help myself: technology for country folk

lately i seem to be attracting the attention of people from my past. dan’s been trying his hardest to find time to talk with me. rick’s been very communicative. even karen was out here from manitoba. all of these have been good things, for certain. what i wasn’t expecting though was the rush of almost-forgotten emotion when i saw a young man on the ferry who looked just. like. paul.
i was lined up to disembark, when i just happened to glance over at this guy stretched out on the naugahyde seats. i think i gasped. i know my heart skipped at least one beat. his resemblance was uncanny. he wore his hat the same way, had the same glasses, the same lips and cheeks, was long and lean just like paul… for half a second i thought it was him. “what’s he doing here? did he leave alberta?? oh my god!”
of course, that brought back all sorts of memories and feelings about him. what it was like to meet him for the first time, how sweet and gentle he was, and alternately how strong and forceful he could be. his humour, his hands, his couch, his eyes, his voice, his intelligence. i remembered how we’d talk every night for hours, how it felt to have him wake up in the morning and put his arms around me, how he left everyone to come stand beside me while i smoked at the bowling alley even though he hated my smoking.
i walked off the ferry with the urgent desire to find him and talk to him, to reconnect with all of that, with everything we shared. then i remembered the bad stuff. the pain, the lies, the other women, the emotional blackmail, the sexual usery, the coldness. i remembered the feeling of my heart dropping in my chest when he confirmed that he’d slept with his ex. i remembered the rage i felt at seeing his name or picture or anything that brought him to mind.
i still have a small part of that rage, just as i still have a small part of that love. i just don’t know if it’s better to leave things as they are, in the past, or reconnect just because i can’t help myself.

so, it seems that paige, goddess, basil, scott and possibly even beth are all getting together in some south-eastern state sometime this spring. i’m totally and completely happy for them, really! i’m also a little jealous. i wish i could show up, too. anyone want to buy me a plane ticket to north carolina? maybe i should just start getting to know those cool seattle bloggers, instead…

i had very strange vignette dreams last night.
in the first, meghan asked me to burn down her house. i hadn’t decided if i would or not, and while deciding i accidentally set fire to a support beam of her balcony. i didn’t know why she wanted it burned down, but i was concerned that hazel wouldn’t get out safely. meghan told me not to worry about hazel. that made me very nervous. i came back to the house to check on the fire’s progress and i could hear an alarm and sirens and saw big flames. but, they weren’t coming from her house, but the neighbour’s across the street. seems their two-month-old xmas tree caught fire. ironically, by this time, meghan’s porch had gone out on it’s own.
in the second, i was being stalked by an alley cat. i had been warned not to let this cat near me because of some nefarious threat which was never actually spoken of. i was walking through a garden and about to go into the groundskeeper’s cottage when i saw this cat come out of the poppies. i got nervous and hurriedly rushed inside and slammed the door shut. the cat came right up to the window (how, i don’t know) and kept butting his head against it. he looked deteremined. after a while, the cat seemed to have left and i thought it was safe to leave. as soon as i opened the door, the cat shot throught he gap and tried to get in. i had the door closed on his body and kept trying to push him out, but he was freakishly strong for a feline. eventually, he got in and i ran out, looking for a safe place to hide. i kept thinking “how long can he survive in that room with nothing but the garbage to eat?”
in the third, i was back in meghan’s house and there was some sort of protest/meeting going on, of which my mother was participating. about twenty people lined up holding packages of ballots which were marked “member’s quota”. i tried to sneak out, thinking to myself that if i got snagged i could claim i wasn’t a member. that’s when i remembered i’d applied for membership previously to get some sort of discount somewhere. i remember wanting to avoid being a member so very badly.
there was also something to do with caves, but for the life of me i can’t remember any of those details. i’m sure you’re all grateful for that.

– i get to leave work two hours before anyone else.
– the work that i do during the day excites me
– i’m inspired to learn something new.
– we have lunch at the thai place.
– molson (meg’s kitten) jumps on my lap when we’re playing cards.
– my dad brushes my hair off my shoulder.
– i feel needed.
– i get a great deal on something i’ve bought.
– i’m creative.

last night, at approximately 5:45 pacific, someone from uswest.net was the 3,000th visitor to my puny little site. yay! if i knew who they were, i’d send ’em a prize. no, really!

by about 2pm yesterday afternoon, it was almost like there hadn’t been an earthquake at all. if it hadn’t been for everyone asking “did you feel it?” (which started to strike me as somewhat dirty after a while) and it’s incessant coverage on all the news and tv stations, i probably would have forgotten about it.
that made me think about human nature. this big, horrible, scary, life-threatening thing happened and instead of running around making sure that you’re prepared in case it happens again, you push it out of your mind and get back to normal just as quick as you can. it’s a remarkable self-defense mechanism, actually. it’s completely dangerous in the long run, though. it’s why history repeats itself and people never learn from their mistakes.
i got home last night and i didn’t even think to look around for cracks or anything which had fallen over until about nine o’clock. i’d totally forgotten, which was astounding considering i spent three hours watching seattle news coverage of the aftermath. there were no extra cracks which i could see and the only thing that fell over was a small, plushy pig which slipped from it’s place on the bookshelf. and, now that i write that down, i probably dislodged it myself when i pulled out a book for meghan. nevermind, nothing fell over.
to tell the truth, i’m slightly offended that no one i know even thought to check if i was okay after the quake. the american news stations reported the quake was felt “from portland to the canadian border”. uh, yeah. everything stops at the 49th parallel. sheesh. it was felt from portland to kamloops, dammit. that’s way past the border, buckos. if it could be felt in portland, it was very likely felt in vancouver. worry about me, dammit! yes, i’m selfish. shut up.
by the way, i found my silver fountain pen this morning.

okay, i live in a very seismographically busy neighbourhood. vancouver has lived with the threat of “the big one” for just as long as any city along the west coast of north america. ever since i can remember, we’ve been encouraged to keep emergency supplies on hand “just in case”. it was always exciting when there was a tectonic shift in the vicinity. for the next two days the first question every one asked was “did you feel it?”
at 10:54 am the building started to shake. you have to take into consideration that the building has been shaking on and off since they started construction here a year ago. we don’t take shaking seriously anymore. this time was different. it didn’t stop. it didn’t diminish. it got worse. it kept shaking. for about a minute solid. after about twenty seconds, everyone in the building collectively realized it wasn’t construction.
although i’ve lived here all my life and survived rumblings in the past, i’ve never actually felt any but one quake. i’ve never stopped to consider if the building i was in was sturdy enough to keep me alive. i did this time. i came as close as i ever have to having my life flash before my eyes. and this was only a 4.7, located 145 miles away in olympia, washington.
i’m feeling a little on-edge right now. i want to find my dad, hug him and tell him how much i love him. i keep waiting for an aftershock. i want to go home and watch the news to find out what the damage was, if any. i want to forget it ever happened and feel safe again.
stop plate tectonics
addendum:
okay, the preliminary information was obviously erring on the side of caution. new reports put the quake between 6.2 and 7 on the richter scale. there is damage in seattle and surrounding area (including the control tower at sea-tac airport), but how extensive it is, i don’t know. check for updates at cnn or cbc. i’m very concerned right now for the people i know who live in the seattle area.

yes, i’m a grammar nazi, but even i learned something from this list:

the title has pretty much nothing to do with the content i am about to spew forth onto your screen. just thought i’d let you know, in case you were waiting for this big, depressing shoe to drop. i just happened to type it as i was looking out the window at the weather system approaching. now we can both relax and fall into a trance as i relay and you absorb my nonsense. you’re feeling sleepy…
i’m losing things lately. i fucking hate losing things. first, it was my silver fountain pen. last i saw it was while writing a grocery list two sundays ago. i worried that i’d thrown it out with the paper, but i hadn’t thrown the paper out yet and when shaken violently, no pen emerged from it. i’m seriously peeved about this. i’ve had that pen for years. although not particularly valuable or sentimental, it was the favourite of all the different fountain pens i’ve owned. next, was a tube of anti-fungal cream i know i had out on the shelf friday. do you think i can find it now? actually, that one i’m fairly sure i threw out in error. i wonder what the third thing will be.
today, i have to write a letter to the executive board of the union. although i am intrigued and very interested in accepting their nomination to become the unit rep for admin, i have enough reservations about it that i just can’t shake off. oh well, maybe in a year i’ll have another shot at it and i won’t be so timid about it.
ever do something really dumb while driving? i locked my wheels and came to a very loud, rubber-melting stop this morning on the way to work all because i decided to stop for a yellow, er, amber light. i finally came to stop (exactly at the stop line, mind you), flicked the car into park, retrieved my bag from the floor of the passenger side where it had been catapulted by the force of the stop, and proceeded to blush and tell myself how cool i was to have done that. sometimes i’m a total moron.
my mother won a bunch of money at the casino sunday night and sent me $100 of it. thanks, mom! you bought me groceries and gas this week!
my nutritional hedonism has come back to haunt me. i never weigh myself, mostly because i don’t have a scale, exept while visiting mom. last time i was there, at christmas, i was pleasantly surprised to note that despite total cessation of my exercise regime and a fairly substantial lapse in dietary responsibilty, i had only gained back five of the twenty pounds i’d lost the previous year. well, i must have taken that good news a little too well. seems i’ve gained another ten and now i’m kicking into food nazi mode. i’m thinking i may even set up a food blog for myself, just to keep myself accountable for what i stuff in my face and, eventually, wear on my ass. then i’ll see about lifting again.
i found a counter/log script that i wanted to implement here, but for the life of me i can’t figure out why it’s not working. you’ll see [an error occurred while processing this directive] down in the right-hand corner. i think it’s my server configuration which is screwing the mess up. maybe i’ll just try to figure out how to write it in php instead.

i really like drew barrymore as an actress and a personality, but isn’t 26 years old a little too young to have a full hour on biography?

the best 404 ever.

bouncing, happy boy
sleep deprivation is good
for writing your words

why is it, that after a week, a month, or more of consistantly bad hair days, the second you firmly decide to go get it cut, it miraculously becomes tame and beautiful, as if you had a raft of stylists attending to each follicle? hair isn’t dead cells. hair is the anti-christ.

the headache seems to be gone, but it’s been replaced by a rather impressive malaise. i’m also feeling rather intimidated by the greymatter “add an entry” screen today, so i’m writing this in notepad instead.
the weekend went both too quickly and too slowly, if that makes any sort of sense. friday night was spent at meg & mark’s, of course. dean came down and the four of us had a lasagne buffet with three varieties to choose from (beef in tomato sauce, chicken in cream sauce, and low-fat turkey in tomato sauce) then played cards until midnight or so. the early night was due to the fact i had to be up at seven saturday morning to catch my ferry.
saturday morning was spent rushing around in the morning trying to get everything either turned off, rinsed out, locked up or packed for me to go away overnight. then, i sat on the ferry. *yawn* upon arrival in nanaimo, with mom & karen to meet me, i started a mad spending spree which culminated in our seeing 3000 miles to graceland. going home to rest, we ordered pizza and watched the bad saturday night dramas. i was asleep by ten after ten.
sunday was a waste of a day. i was awake at eight, so watched coronation street from the comfort of mom’s sofa bed. after i made coffee i realized there was no cream-like substance in the house for me to put into my coffee to make it drinkable. i drank two litres of diet coke instead.
while in the bathtub, i came to the realization that i’ve forgotten how to have a bath. it’s been three and a half years since i’ve had the opportunity to bathe in a tub on a regular basis. i laid down in the tub and splooshed around a little, then sat up and splooshed around some more. i lathered up my hair and the rest of my body and then couldn’t think of anything else to do so got up and showered off the suds. i just couldn’t lie there any longer. maybe i should have had bubbles.
played two games of scrabble with mom & karen. i beat them both by a healthy margin the first game, then was beaten by both of them in the second. i suppose it was that eight-letter word on the triple word score that won me the first one… i knew i liked “pedantic”.
although the day seemed to take it’s own sweet time, i was on the boat home before i knew it. i bought some chips from the vending machine before i sat down and the machine gave me back all my money but five cents. “score!” i thought to myself. i plunked myself in a chair and read my book (bridget jones: the edge of reason which i’d bought on friday while picking up the turkey lasagne to take to meghan’s — the same book i just finished today while eating my lunch).
i arrived on the other side expecting to see my father standing there as the boat was late and he’s always early. no dad. i waited while every other foot passenger from the the same boat had been picked up and i was still standing there. that’s when i started to worry. about twenty minutes later, i decide to phone him and, if there was no answer, to wait another ten minutes after that to call someone else to pick me up.
*ring*
“hello?”
“hi…”
“oh my goodness! *’i can’t believe i did that’ laughter*”
“you forgot me!”
“why, yes. i did. hold tight, i’ll be right there.”
*click*
seems he was reading and lost track of the time. can’t say as i blame him too much, i’ve done it often enough myself. but, it was terribly disconcerting, especially as he’s never late and hasn’t yet forgotten me like that.
i got home and unpacked the stuff i took over and the stuff i bought myself. wrapped some stuff up, put together my lunch for today, watched some bad television and was in bed by ten o’clock. i didn’t even turn the computer back on until this morning. it was odd sleeping in a room without the fans whirring, but not altogether unpleasant.
tonight, i have to pick some things up at the grocery store on the way home and then fetch karen from the ferry terminal and chauffeur her to the ywca hotel overtown. she’ll be staying there until she leaves to go home on thursday. i feel bad that i don’t have room for her to say with me, but i can’t do much about it right now.
i’m glad to be back in my own place. i feel sort of lost when i’m at mom’s now. it doesn’t feel like “home” to me anymore. probably because i never really invested myself emotionally in it or the town. home was always north van, not parksville.
there’s no place like home. there’s no place like home…

headache.