i think the dark is getting to me.
the last week or so, my tolerance has plummeted. stupid, dirt, people, news, drama, Haiti, money, cooking, cleaning, commercials all make me angry these days. then, i feel bad for being angry, so i shut down. then i feel bad for shutting down, especially when i know there are people who want to help me feel better, but i just can’t bring myself to deal with them, so i feel bad about that all over again.
it’s a vicious cycle. filled with alligators. hungry, toothy alligators.
additionally, don’t even try to complain to me about anything trivial, because, you know back in September? i almost died. i was one lucky motherfucker to not drop dead when that humongous blood clot broke off, raced up my leg and lodged itself in my lung. if that doesn’t put it all into perspective, i don’t know what will. your iPod won’t work? piss off. you didn’t get asked out to an event? shut up.
the irony is that the withdrawing and being angry has actually fuelled actions i’ve been trying to get a start on for months (and months and months). i’ve been consistently tracking my calories and even — *gasp* — exercising. so, physically, i’m feeling Tony the Tiger grrreat! except that i’m grumpy all the damn time.
last night, i stopped by the vampires for my weekly blood-letting, then came home to a healthy, well-balanced meal, watched a little Tivo, Wii Fitted & stretched out, had a bath & shaved my yeti legs, then realized it was only 8pm and it was pitch black and i couldn’t really do anything else because i had to go to bed in an hour. WTF? seriously? fuck.
see? grumpy.
i’m blaming the dark. yeah, so it’s vaguely light for a whole 15 minutes when i get home at night. it’s still dark as midnight when i go to work in the morning and by the time i’ve finished dinner it feels like i’ve stayed up way past my bedtime. i was looking at the calendar yesterday, wishing i could take the whole of December and January off next year, just to avoid all this darkness shit. it’s nice out there right now, but i can’t be out there right now because, hey, i have to go to work every day. fucking work. stupid money! where the hell is my sugar daddy, anyway? i’d make an excellent haus frau, you know. just hook me up!
if anyone has the power to bend space and time, i’d love to jump straight to March first. it may not be all that light out yet, but at least i’ll be on vacation.
Erk. Sounds like how I feel about winter.
Perhaps try a SAD lamp? It seems silly, but I’ve been using one, and I find my fuse is a lot less short during the dark days.
I take it that you’re exempting yourself from the rule about complaining about trivial things; otherwise I’m concerned about your the possibility that your head may explode from the irony contained in this post.
oh, I get just as grumpy with myself. you should hear the talkings-to I get!
Winter wears me out too. All this COLD and DARK can suck it.
Don’t be so hard on yourself….I think we all kind of go through something like this, especially in January/February. Just be sure to go and party with the world when the Olympics start. And be good to yourself, you almost lost that. Enjoy if you can!