today is all about what hurts.
my knee sometimes hurts (i think my surgery has turned it into a barometer — the rest of this winter will tell if i’m now carrying around my own weather station in my pants). i have a sore spot in the middle of my chest which, the last time i felt it, was diagnosed and an inflammation in the cartilage near my sternum. my arms are chock-full of pains of various sorts and intensities due to the over-zealous Wii boxing i participated in yesterday afternoon (oh lord, i’m so out of shape). my neck has been seized up for over a week now and two hard-core massages have barely managed to put a dent in the strain. returning to work has brought back a headache from thinking about all the shitty shit i have to do every day. oh, and my work chair gives me a backache and sometimes an ache in my hips.
fuck, i sound like my mom’s 80-year-old friend.
friday was a bad day. i shouldn’t have gone to work, but i did, and i paid for it. unfortunately, our sick plan doesn’t really accommodate the ability to work as much as you can then go home. even when you’re newly returned from seven weeks off for whatever reason. if you go home, you don’t get paid and, well, i need to get paid.
my kingdom for a sugar daddy (you hear that, Christopher?)! ;)
the other side of this coin is the anxiety. because i hurt in weird and scary places, i start to get anxious and the panic attacks return. you know, the ones where my heart starts to race, i think i’m going to pass out (or die) and, well, then i start to cry. they’re fun, especially at the workplace. you know, the one where i can’t just go crawl into bed and go to sleep until the fear goes away.
i need to call the work-sponsored counseling service to find someone to talk to about all this. to help me deal with everything i’ve gone through in the last few months. i have the card with the number. i know it will help. i just can’t seem to make myself make the call…
part of me is afraid. part of me is ashamed. part of me is resentful. yet another part of me is skeptical. the one part of me which wants it isn’t yet strong enough to pick up the phone and i worry it never will and i’ll just continue to sputter and suffer.
anyway, there’s a big juicy work scandal afoot today, so i’ve got to go find a water cooler to go gossip around. i hope that’ll distract me enough to make it through the day.
I hate that all this unpleasant stuff is happening to someone who doesn’t deserve it in the slightest. Having to have the knee surgery was bad enough, but now all these complications that have resulted from it are really shitty.
Make the call. I used to be skeptical about counseling but it really does help. Even if it just lets you get stuff you’ve been keeping to yourself out there, it helps. Maybe you need it and maybe you don’t, but either way, it won’t hurt to *use it*. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have that kind of benefit made available to them, so don’t be silly — take advantage of it!
First of all, hugs. Big huge hugs.
Second, what Jamie said. It really helps to talk to someone, especially someone who is trained and able to help you sort through this stuff. There is absolutely nothing shameful about it and you’ll feel better once you’ve done it.
What they said. *hug* It’s totally ok to feel these things – remember, you are not alone!
more hugs from me, too. seeing a counselor is a brave thing to do. muster up the courage however you can, and i’m sure after just one session you’ll feel less scared about it. seriously, i actually MISS seeing my counselor (can’t afford it right now). i find counseling helps me see situations differently, and thus they become less stressful.
baby steps? don’t think too much about it. step one: call and make an appointment. forget about it. (*sigh* now that wasn’t so bad!) step two: go to your appointment. (i promise, it won’t be terrible.)
another trick of mine, if i’m afraid to do something, is i pretend to be a person who is not afraid. i think about what traits that person would have and i act as if i have them. it really works! (although, it kind of makes me sound a little insane.)
we love you! take care of you.