this is way harder than i thought

yup, i’m back. hi. hello.

seventeen days in and, yeah, i’m jonesing pretty hard for some internets. the longer i go without, the more i realize i miss the sharing part more than the consuming part (except for tiktok – i miss consuming ALL that tasty junk food).

i mean, look at this:

that shouldn’t be kept in google photos never to be seen by the world! it’s total new-parent stuff, but still. HE’S THE CUTEST. and so floppy.

also, we were contemplating going to the island this long weekend to visit our moms, but realized we’d need a cat-sitter due to the current cat-situation. normally, i’d just shout out on the socials: “hey, anybody want to house/cat-sit for us for a couple nights? all the snacks & wifis you can handle!” that way i could invite acceptance instead of having to ask anyone specific for a favour. (yeah, i figured that out after the fact.)

i’ve almost quit a bunch of times. i mean, it’s MY challenge, right? i call the shots. i can disappoint myself if i want to.

then, i saw a comment from jodi on my last post and it reminded me that writing and clicking “publish” on it felt really good. so, here we are again.

***

i used to pride myself on being an optimistic, sometimes Pollyanna-level so, person. i truly believed in the good in people and that right would prevail and the human race could accomplish miracles.

maybe it’s just been the last two years, but that’s almost entirely beaten out of me now.

it’s difficult trying to describe these moments i have of zooming back out of myself and taking a wider, larger look at the world/planet/humanity and just dismaying of how fucking shitty we are to each other and everything around us. when i start to contemplate the weight of setting things right, the sheer amount of things which would need to change on fundamental levels and that nothing can even start to be repaired without a near-global buy-in…

i just exhale, a little more deflated each time.

seeing the point of any of it is hard.

having a hand in raising children who will have to live in this future is also fucking with me. at least before, if i even did feel this way, i could easily not worry about it so much because i would probably sneak off this mortal coil before it got really bad and be done with it. now, i have to think about how they’ll manage with the ramifications of all the fuckery going on and what kind of people they’ll be and how they’ll participate in the world.

***

the snowdrops and crocuses are blooming. i’m excited, but also annoyed because that means i’m going to have to start yard work. ugh. weeding sucks.

***

going to get some x-rays of my hips & lower back today because i’m an old lady with chronic hip pain now and my new doctor seems to be proactive. fun times.

you missed this, right?