the worst part is that i know he doesn’t even give me a second thought.
A Friendship Poem For those tired of the usual “friend” poems, here is a touch of reality:
When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, I’ll try to dislodge whatever’s choking you.
When you smile, I’ll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to you.
When you are sick, stay away from me until your well again; I don’t want whatever you have.
When you fall, I will point and laugh.
This is my oath I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you’re my friend.
(from my mother via email)
i wonder if ruzz would be interested in meeting up for coffee while he’s in vancouver…
sometimes i’m just an utter moron.
i’m experiencing odd dns issues from this work. the domains i usually have no problems with are unavailable (google.com, slashdot.org & dead-man.org) while ones which are notorious for being flighty are working fine (fubsy.net & userfriendly.org). not to mention i haven’t been able to play bejeweled in weeks.
i love technology. i love technology. i love technology. *sigh*
it’s valentine’s day. i’ve been sending bah hum bug cards to everyone i know. i’m also wearing black. i was going to change the colours of the site to reflect my anti-valentine’s stance, but didn’t want to put that much effort into it. it seemed blasphemous somehow.
i keep holding out hope that someone i know will do something spontaneous and unexpected and send me something today. it’s happened before. but, i’m fairly sure my day will be unpunctuated by flowers, candy or cards. gee, don’t i sound so sad.
you’d think after having dreams of bathing kittens who’d fallen into unflushed toilets i’d be in a better frame of mind. i think the residual tar-fume headache from yesterday is what’s weighing me down.
tyler phoned last night. i didn’t answer it, though. i remember thinking “fuck, i *just* got comfortable. i’m not moving.” luckily i fell asleep before the guilt kicked in. that’s okay, i’m feeling guilty enough now. i’ll phone him tonight if jason doesn’t show.
why is everyone insisting on bringing their shit work to me this week? fuck me gently with a chainsaw! (that one’s for you, goddess.) well, at least i have my new hello, kitty wallpaper.
i’m thinking that my site needs a “hook”. what can it be? i don’t draw. i’d photograph, but i don’t have a camera. i don’t like the idea of this becoming too linky. i want it to be more about me than what i see online (besides, most of what i see online isn’t worth the href). starting some sort of submission forum would be intriguing, but i’d feel like i was stealing billy’s lifeshots, unless i could think of something different to collect stories about. then i thought about posting my crappy poetry. who knows!
while i mull that over, i’m going to try to stop myself from typing two spaces after a period. it seems that some time between tenth grade typing class and now, it has become passe and actually typographically incorrect. if you know me at all, you know how i hate to be typographically incorrect. so, we’ll see how that goes. this could be harder than quitting heroin.
for the last couple of weeks i’ve had a quiet corner of my mind working on ideas for the next redesign. it’s not that i’m displeased with this one, i just get bored. that’s not even it. it’s more like i get an idea in my head of how i want it to look and it’s not good enough for me to play with it in my head, i have to actually create it. i’m sure that’s a positive personality trait.
*sigh* most of the sites i read seem to use blogvoices, and blogvoices is making them load like slugs on valium today. i need to start a greymatter movement pretty quick.
good thing about being pissed off: using it to get a lot accomplished. i did far too much for a monday. to top it off, my mood is lightening. i’m not sure if i’m glad of that or not.
for all that i really am annoyed with almost everything today, all i truly want is someone who gives enough of a shit to try and make me feel better. is that too much to ask?
the worse part about when i get into these moods is the stupid thing i choose to do. i always pick something really dumb. right now, i’m leaning towards getting my hair cut. no, not cut. hacked. chopped. eliminated. i know i’ll hate it and myself for doing it, but i just can’t help the desire to go into a salon, sit down and say “make me look like ben affleck, please”. it’s either that or take my savings and go spend it on something expensive i don’t need. let’s see, a new television to go with the dvd player tyler’s getting me. maybe that video card i’ve been putting off for three years. hell, a new stereo for my piece of shit car!
on top of it all, the frozen entree i bought for lunch today was freezer burnt. so i’m eating cheezies for lunch. i just can’t catch a break.
i’m viscious today. i don’t like anyone. i don’t want to talk to anyone. i especially don’t want anyone to talk to me. i’m busy with my own crap, so don’t email me to get me to do your fucking work because you’re stupid and lazy and didn’t get it done on your own last week. don’t come in here, walking like you have an attitude, and expect me to cow-tow to you just because you’re in a hurry. and, yes, i do know that it smells like tar. i’ve been breathing it for the last three hours. you really don’t have to mention it when you briefly amble in to give me more shit to do. lastly, just because i’m angry and short-tempered does not mean there is a reason. so quit asking what’s fucking wrong. you’re only making my mood worse.
i love it. people just click on anything. we have an email virus going around the office right now. the best part is checking off the list who opened the infected attachment… not once, not twice, but three or four times!
i slept ’til ten, tormented by sexually explict dreams for the last hour of my repose. i woke anxious and frustrated, somewhat glad there was no one within reach because i am convinced i would have been far too demanding upon them.
valentine’s day is starting to weigh on me. being single is, as well. i spent last night at a dinner party putting all my best flirt on dean and he didn’t even give one inkling that he either noticed or cared. at one point, i asked him to rub my neck (i really did have a crick which was bothering me). he did, but he was horrible at it. that’s all right, though. not everyone can give good neckrubs.
speaking of good neckrubs, i haven’t seen, nor barely heard from, jason in well over a week. i’m not sure whether that’s by his design or not. i suspect it is, though. i gave him enough opportunity and let him know in no uncertain terms i wanted to see him. if i was as smart as people think i am, i should just take the hint, i suppose.
it’s a beautiful, sunny, mild day out. i thought i would go fill up the car, wash it and then go to the park for a while. i got to the first gas station and should have taken the extreme queues for both fuel and the car wash as a sign and gone straight home. let’s see, i nearly got run into, head on, by two SUVs. i got cut off four times, had to swerve to avoid being run into twice, and was behind some woman going 40 on the highway on-ramp. every car wash i went to had a line of at least ten cars, and each bridge had a 20 minute delay. so i came back home. maybe i’ll go out later, after every one of those bastards has reached their destination.
the dreams i had last night aren’t going away this morning.
i remember a race i’d run before, a feeling of confidence, missing instructions to the next leg, feelings of frustration, a partner who left me without a goodbye, a feeling of abandonment, a large black & white cat, a half-naked woman with short, curly hair, a window sill, a staplegun, a rooftop. i wish i could go back and fix that window sill.
where the hell did this week go?