so… i went out on a date last night.
i’d been corresponding with this guy for a couple of days when he suggested meeting up at the free vancouver symphony orchestra concert at deer lake park. i was feeling really cute and exuberant yesterday, so even though it was against my first date rules i said yes.
this guy was great on paper, especially when he was writing. it’s embarassing, but i actually giggled with glee when he used a semi-colon. properly. yes, i know. i’m sad and pathetic. but when you’re getting mail from men who, unironically, type things like “your the bom”, a guy who knows his way around punctuation is a bit of a thrill.
okay, maybe only for me.
anyway, after a huge nightmare trying to find parking (who knew so many people were interested in the symphony!), i finally arrived at our meeting place outside the art gallery. it was interesting, as soon as i spotted him and got near, all the people who had previously been milling about disappeared. if it’d been a movie, he would have turned to see me walk up to him. as it was, i called his name and there was this beat or two when he didn’t turn or seem to acknowledge me.
he was very tall and very blond with his newly bleached hair (long story short: he was born blond and wanted to see what it would be like to be blond again). the first couple minutes were kind of awkward and i worried this was going to be a repeat of my first date, where i tried so very hard to get a conversation started but had to admit defeat. it turned out i didn’t have a lot to worry on the conversation front.
we found ourselves a spot on the grass, spread out the blanket i’d brought and settled in for a couple hours of culture in the fresh air. i was somewhat concerned that we’d not get a chance to chat while the music was playing, but after the intermission, we spent more time talking during the second half than actively listening. at the end of the moonlit show (who knew symphonies did encores?) he asked if i’d like to go get a drink and without thinking i said yes.
we took my car to white spot where we had some food and beverages and managed to talk for solid couple of hours about some pretty weighty subjects. he’s a smart guy; a little dry, but that’s not necessarily bad. by midnight i figured it was time to call it quits, especially since he had a long drive out to maple ridge.
sounds like a pretty good date, doesn’t it?
but, this is my life and nothing ever goes as good as it seems at first glance. at some point during the concert, we were talking and he made some quiet remark i didn’t quite hear. when i didn’t acknowledge him, he suffixed it with another mumbled comment about preferences and then told me a story about his being dragged into bed by an overweight woman he had been dating and how she asked what was wrong when after an hour of fooling around nothing had yet “come up” for him. ah. now i was clued in.
when exiting the car to go into the restaurant, he told me i was “deadly pretty” and that if i were to start working out i’d have all the men in the city falling all over themselves to get a piece of me. later on, soon before saying goodnight, he went on for quite a while about how great i was and, again, if i were slimmer i’d never want for attention from men. he also surmised that it was probably best for modern civilization that i was heavy so that society wouldn’t crumble in man’s bid to be with me.
those were the nicest insults i’ve ever received.
oh, but it gets better. he mailed me today saying he had fun and made a little joke about something we’d talked about at the restaurant. i replied that, yes, i’d had fun and if he wanted to hang out again to give me a shout. i was being half polite and half serious. he really is a decent enough guy, he’s just not hot for me, which is totally okay. everyone’s got their stuff they won’t compromise on, but not everyone would have the balls to put it so plainly in an email:
“You’re a nice and interesting person — or I could say, I personally find it easy to be with you. If I didn’t have any hangups about weight, I’d probably be looking for a ring I could offer.
I can’t say this w/o sounding shallow, and I apologize fully for that, but I need to know, do you have any plans to slim down?”
Ah, yes, if you can’t get it up, always blame the type of woman you’re with.
“Just so you know, it’s NOT that common, it DOESN’T happen to every guy, and it IS a big deal!”
;-)
rejection usually sucks, regardless of the way it is done. ask him if he has a brother that isn’t shallow?
I liked looking at all the photos on your blog. You’re a good photographer.
Too bad your date didn’t work out.
holy god.
just . . wow. you seem to be pretty calm. i’d be throwing a complete beserker.
What a complete jerk. He saved you the trouble of finding out what he’s like before it’s too late, though, and having to deal with his little “fat-o-meter”. I’d tell him to get lost and maybe we could be friends when he grows up, gets over himself and acts like a man.
I can see people having hang ups. I can see people not being attracted to certain people because of certain preferences. I guess I can respect the guy for being truthful, but here’s my rub: The assclown assumed that you weren’t doing anything about it.
I don’t get how dudeman, in all his glory, can just assume that because you’re overweight, you’re just a lazy sloth of a girl who does nothing but eat bonbons all day and choke down a couple of cheeseburgers from McDonalds on her lunch break. I guess by that assumption, because of his fake blonde hair, we can assume a lot of things. Most people who are smart enough than to take these stereotypical approaches, however, don’t.
I’m sorry the date didn’t work out, Heather. Honestly, I think you’re beautiful in tons of ways – you’re smart, talented, pretty, funny, witty, etc. The list goes on. I love reading your website, and I *love* checking out your photos. I guess it’s kind of good the guy was honest about what he likes and don’t like, in a way. It’s just sad that he made an assumption most people do when they see overweight girls. I wonder what he would have said if you would have written him back that you were doing something about it, and that you’ve actually lost lbs? Ah, well. That’s beside the point. I know what I’d like to have said to him:
“I can’t say this w/o sounding shallow, and I apologize fully for that, but I need to know, do you have any plans to slim down?”
Me: “I used to be fifty pounds heavier than I am now. I’ve lost a roll or three. I can’t say this without sounding shallow, and I apologize full for that, but I need to know: Do you have any plans on getting rid of that fakeass blond hair? By the way, I wear a size 7 ring.”
But I’m sarcastic like that. ;-)
Uh… wow. Just, wow. I don’t know what else to say about that. If you come up with something particularly witty to respond with, if you choose to even bother with a response, I’d love to hear it. All wit has currently escaped me, I’m just in awe of what he had the nerve to say!
Let’s kick his ass!!! :)
What a total asshole. I wouldn’t waste another second on him.
I am so angry I can’t even speak.
i can’t believe someone would actually be that rude. I don’t even know what to say.
Jeremy told me about your date and I was so excited for you until I read this…you have GOT to believe that you do not deserve to be treated this way. You are a smart, talented, funny and beautiful person. You are wonderful. This dude is NOT a “decent enough guy.” He is a colossal jerk and he is way out of line.
PS: I’ve never even really read a blog before, but this made me so angry I had to post a comment. Hope I did it right.
holy jesus. i don’t know what to say, either. how completely awful. no wonder i’m taking this whole dating thing slowly: people are jerks.
dear god, and i thought that my last date was a disaster, well there was no date actually, he said he didn’t want to meet me because i might expect something that wasn’t there.
what do you figure he meant ?! :)
I can’t even believe that someone would have the nerve to speak to someone else that way – to totally disregard the fact that statements like that would obviously hurt your feelings. Honey, I don’t even know you, but the images you take, and your eloquence in writing is fantastic. Don’t let a pompous asshole bring you down – particularly one who feels the need to bleach his hair
what. an. ass.
you are obviously, obviously too good for him. he would have been lucky to have been given the chance to give you a ring.
I hate this guy.
while it is somewhat respectful that he was up front about his hangups so that you know not to waste time… he’s still an ass.
you guys are hilarious and awesome.
it’s funny, i’m still not upset about the whole thing. i think i just can’t believe it really happened that way. people don’t talk the way he did.
i’m still trying to think up a response to that last message. i’m torn between ignoring it and saying something like “why, yes, i am. when shall i call you again? when i’ve lost 20 pounds? 50? shall i send you monthly status updates and then when i’m thin enough to give you tingles down under you can show up with that ring?”
I say email him this response entry, shortly before we lynch him ;)
I just find it amazing that he took the stance he did, in assuming you weren’t doing anything about it. That just rubs me the wrong way. You’re better off without the clown.
Good riddance to bad rubbish! You don’t need a guy who acts like that. I mean who knows what else is on his “list of no no’s”?!
How ’bout this as your response. “It’s funny that you asked me if I was “planning on slimming down” because I was wondering something similar about you… and I can’t say this w/o sounding shallow, and I apologize fully for that, but I need to know, do you have any to get better looking?”
Sigh. I guess I’m just feeling mean this morning.
Holy Flaming Jesus. People are strange. I’d have no idea how to take that. He seems to be missing a brain/mouth filter though, that’s for sure.
I think I’m the only person so far to say this but I’m glad he spoke up, and you should be, too.
Women and men always say they want someone who’s honest and direct. I think the comments here prove that they don’t. I think every person commenting here would have preferred that he didn’t say the things he said. But what’s the better alternative — that he kept his hangup under wraps and just didn’t call after what seemed like a nice evening? Or worse yet, lead you on until we figured out that you weren’t somehow going to become his perfect female form?
Yeah, he’s shallow and only into physical looks. His problem, his loss. But hey, he said so up front, and saved you, and him, a lot of trouble. Because if he hadn’t told you his hangup until 2, 3, 6, 12 months in, what a waste of time that would be.
You may find yourself wishing for that kind of honesty from the next guy you date.
p.s. Just in case it’s not clear from the above — he is in every other way an asshead and you’ll do much better than he ever will.
“he was very tall…”
Then I’d let him know you just lost about 200 lbs.
Honesty is sure nice, but there are better ways to handle dismissing someone who has a trait you don’t like. There is a coworker of mine who canNOT figure out “please”, “thank you”, or the like (a huge peeve of my own); I choose to deal with her minimally and we’re better off for it. If someone took me out for a first date, didn’t like my physical traits, but chose not to tell me, his other choices involve not seeing me again. It’s that simple. “Do you want to go out again?” “No, I’d rather not, I don’t think it worked out.” THAT is another form of honesty. If it’s easier for this cow puck to ask you if you have plans to meet his weight requirements than it is to decline further dates, then he’s got some major problems. Someone mentioned a lack of brain-to-mouth filter; I call these things ‘verbal abortions.’ Too bad for him–tell him to get over his bad self and talk to a professional.
I agree – there are different ways of being honest. If someone doesn’t like your haircut, you don’t have to say “Ewww you look damn fugly with that hair!” – rather, “I don’t think it compliments your ___ as much as ___ haircut did before.” If he had ANY class he could have simply said something among the lines of it “not working out” as mercy said above.
And another thing – maybe I am a prude, but I am a bit shocked that one your first date, he decided to tell a story about a sexual encounter where he ended up impotent. That does not seem like an apropriate first-date topic to me.
Even if you were his idea of skinny, what would happen if you ever got pregnant? Would that repulse him as well? Or if you had a medical problem and gained a few?
Holy CRAP!!!
I am all for honesty in relationships, but, this wasn’t a relationship. This was a date. He needs to use a filter — There’s no need to be so damned rude.
I’ll sign up to be a part of the lynching crew, H!
What an assmunch. But as Travis said, better to find out sooner than later. Good manners and tact are apparently not everyone’s forte. It’s hard being as perfect as the rest of us! ;)
my response:
ray,
i’ve spent two days trying to figure out how i should reply to your question.
since i can’t bring myself to be as shallow as it was, i’ll just say it was nice to meet you and i sincerely hope you find what you’re looking for.
heather
i really like the response…you did it right girl :)
what is SO wrong about that comment is in the reality of life- we all change over time. I was a size 6 when I married my husband, and am an 8-10 now and nowhere near as well groomed. He is also ALL gray, yet still sexy. Bottom line is – you dont put conditions on keeps-
what a pinhead. Hasnt he heard of for better or worse- sickness and health. I dont wish him harm but in his journey of life how will he feel when his ass gets left because he loses his job, gets cancer or grows fat…sigh!
what an asswad. Hope hes been to your blog and he can read all of these nice thoughts!
Holy crap — I’m gobsmacked at this guy’s lack of diplomacy. Honesty means NOTHING without sensitivity.
Everyone’s said it already, but I’ll put it another way: you can lose weight, but you can’t gain charm.
So did you ever hear back from Ray Ray?
Hrm.
I have to agree with you on the spelling and punctuation bit … but … before you throw any stones, have you heard of capitalization before? ;)
Hello Heather. I’ve been enjoying your blog for what seems like hours. You’ve got a really wonderful eye–your photographs are just divine.
I am writing because I just read about your date–the guy who asked you to lose weight. I am a 45-y.o. mom, so I hope you will forgive me for being blunt; I’m saying this totally in a well-meaning-mom spirit. You’re not happy at the weight you’re at. It shows in your posts. You’re a beautiful, smart and talented girl, but you’re holding yourself back. I think it’s because you are shy. Scared.
I think you liked this boy, so I am going to ask you to take him up on his challenge. Set up a gym membership for yourself, go five times a week, get a diet set up that works for you, find a trainer, and see what happens when you set an impossible-looking goal–and achieve it. You can do this, but it requires mental energy. Like Rilke says, however: you must change your life.
Then email Mr. Bleached Blond, and see what happens after that.
I’ve had weight problems on and off my whole life, and I am an ex-bulimic. I saw fat on my body whether I was 100 pounds or 130–I put the faults there myself, to see and to hate. It’s in your mind–it’s the self-critical part of your mind you must conquer, it’s not your body, not your “eating habits.” You seem to have a self-criticizing habit that causes you a lot of pain, but you could teach yourself to love yourself instead. In order to do that, you need to be doing the things you feel you should be doing.
I just wanted to write because I believe that all this pontificating business of “loving someone for who she is inside” really doesn’t work for everyone. If you don’t feel that you look the way you want to look, if you’re not comfortable in your own skin, that must be remedied for yourself. With your highly developed aesthetic sense–how do you want to look? You are very pretty! You can look that way!
It’s a great thing to have love in your life, and to enjoy your body fully. And you can really have that.
Please forgive my presumption–I think you are just terrific, and I wish you the very best.