i wish today were tomorrow for tomorrow will bring many good things while today is seeking only to make me tired and depressed.

it was a dark and stormy night…
i remember starting so many stories like that when i was young. there were single women living alone in large houses, things thumping in the night and cliff-hangers galore. i was such a melodramatic child. then again, there are people who would say i’m still so.
speaking of the melodrama, i’ve got myself all worked up over a potential boy again. no, not the kissing boy. he’s gone from the picture in any significant capacity. a boy from the past. no, not morgan. he’s gone from the picture entirely. i’ve got pretty serious practical reservations about it all, but damn if i can’t keep but looking forward to seeing him and smiling when i think about it. it’s the stupid fluttery tummy and happy-bouncy feelings which get you. they’re self-propagating. once they start, they just keep building up inside until they gurgle out when you least expect them to.
happyboyfeelings are fun, even if they’re not going anywhere but on your blog.
speaking of the blog, it’s pretty evident i’m lacking in the content-production department lately. i don’t know, i just can’t seem to think of anything worthy of sharing. it’s a strange form of writer’s block that forces nothing but haircut posts and recycled photographs. i feel like there’s something waiting to come out, but between homework and my inate sloth, it’s not getting a chance to see the light of day.
it’s also somewhat depressing that all those people who used to come by and comment or link to me have kind of drifted away. part of me thinks “what’s the point?” if no one comes or cares enough to interact. i realize that’s the nature of the medium, the ebb and flow of discussion and traffic, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have an effect on what eventually gets produced. if no one cares, why should i work harder to produce something more meaninful than a whine about school or a recipe for kung pao chicken?
i need more creative outlets. i really need to step up and cancel my extended cable like i’ve been talking about for over a year now. i need to sleep less and exercise more. i need to not care if the new/old boy reads what i wrote three paragraphs previously. i need an iron supplement. i need to watch a hockey game. i need to not need to multi-task. i need to stop wasting time worrying about wasting time. i need to not beat myself up for being imperfect. i need to laugh more. i need to roll my pennies. i need to get rid of my guitar. i need to teach col to knit. i need to drink more water and less diet pepsi. i need to be more assertive and less afraid. i need to trust more and doubt less. i need to love fully and not hold back. i need new underwear and fuzzy slippers. i need to concentrate on the task at hand. i need to stop second-guessing decisions i’ve already made.
oh, and i also need to get back to work.

I know you think that I shouldn’t still love you or tell you that
But if I didn’t say it, well I’d still have felt it
Where’s the sense in that?
I promise I’m not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble I understand if you can’t talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of “it’s over” then I’m sure that that makes sense
And when we meet which I’m sure we will
All that was then will be there still
I’ll let it pass and hold my tongue
And you will think that I’ve moved on
I will go down with this ship
And I won’t put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I’m in love and always will be

sometimes it sucks so hard being single it actually blows.
tonight, i’m here in my clean, tidy, cozy apartment with the sunset streaming in the gigantuous windows, a freshly made kick-ass kung pao chicken on the stove, the new dido album drizzling from my speakers and a fresh coat of mascara on my über-long lashes. what kind of a cosmic tragedy is it that all this goodness is going to waste on no one but whichever insects have snuck in while the air was blowing through?
that’s all right, i sense good things coming my way. not just of the technological species, either.

remember when i was going to run out and buy that computer? well i did yesterday, with a few tweaks:
– 18″ atx case with 350w power supply
– soltek sl-nv400-l64 nvidia nforce2 400 socket a motherboard with 8x agp, sound & lan
– amd athlon xp 2500+ 512k 333fsb socket a barton cpu
– 512mb pc3200 ddr400 ram
– 80gb seagate barracuda 7200 rpm hard drive
– lg 52x24x52 cd-rw/16x dvd drive
– ati radeon 9600 pro 128mb video card
– 1.44 mb floppy drive (for backwards compatability, you know)
it’ll be ready for pickup on thursday. i’m insanely pleased despite being totally broke. vroom!

quick, build an ark! the rain is making up for a summer away and it’s gloriously torrential in southern british columbia. it may make for miserable driving, but there’s nothing better than the music of weather when you’re curled up at home.
yesterday was spent downtown manning a polling station and meeting a bunch of co-workers i’d never get the chance to meet otherwise. effective at 6:30pm last night, we have a new contract and i’ve got the peace of mind to go shopping for new computer bits! yippee!
i also stopped by the art gallery to pick up my lottery prize on my way to lunch with karen. i was all keyed up about the cool, chunky, shiny seiko watch i was going to get. unfortunately, it’s the complete opposite of what i’d imagined or ever be caught dead wearing. i think i’ll try to sell it on ebay.

there were things i was going to say, but it wouldn’t have been appropriate before saying them to the people involved.
i’m sleepy and my shoulder is sore from where i got my flu shot this morning. i want not to talk to anyone. i want marie to stop coming in here to tell me about her life because her new haircut really freaks me out. i have to decide where i’m going to get my lunch: wendy’s or subway.
i wish the weather had been like this on saturday, dammit. i love it when i can see the moon and the sun at the same time.

my big news is threefold:
1. it’s the turkey day long weekend.
2. hockey season has officially started.
3. i’ve discovered the key to eternal cuteness.
otherwise, i don’t have much to say other than i’m going away to partake of familial turkey & punkin pie and i’m now officially an adult with both investments and insurance (of property).

i’m so damn cute today, i even turned on the webcam which hasn’t been turned on since june. yes, i’m that cute. go on, look. you know you want to.
p.s. it’s under “things” on yonder left, in case you’ve forgotten.

buy this. i know the author. i used to work for her and her husband. i will be buying it locally this weekend. i think i’ll also stop in and get it autographed, too.
hurry up. you know you want it.

just one more thing before my brain closes up shop for the day: i found a bra i haven’t worn in, geez, years. i have no idea why i stopped wearing it because it makes my breasts look absolutely succulent. no wonder smarmy manager-man was staring at my chest yesterday morning. my rack is completely fabulous in this brassiere.

my word-container is currently throbbing, making it difficult to put its contents in a pleasurable, understandable sequence. indeed, the most joyous part of this tuesday is the knowledge that the assignment due tomorrow is done today and tonight, all blissful night, is mine to do with as my little heart desires. rest assured there will be much rejoicing just as soon as the throbbing subsides.

i was good; i really wanted a piece of chocolate, but i ate the rest of my pb&j instead. now i’m picking at the piece of my finger i tried to cut off last night and watching the rain bead up on the window while wishing i didn’t have to stay up to finish my homework instead of curling under the über-blankie and going to sleep without my dinner.
i’m not really fond of people lately. actually, it’s more about not wanting people intruding upon my time. shane emailed me wanting to know if he’d pissed me off because i’d been avoiding his calls all week. i even avoided the run for the cure yesterday (i had a semi-valid medical excuse for that, though). but, i did go help dad with some computer stuff. i’m a good kid.
we got some good news about our negotiations today. hopefully in the next two weeks things will be all settled and i can go spend money! c’mere new computer. come to mamma.
i feel like ass, though. i hope i’m not getting a cold. i’d hate to spend the turkey-day weekend sniffling into my punkin pie.

today i hate everyone. doesn’t want to go to work today. i’m only happy when it rains.

i have to start considering my holiday baking soon. i think it’s the dark, foggy mornings we’ve been having this week, but i’m in a total nesting frame of mind. i want to make big pots of thick, barley soups and bake mince tarts and make chocolates. i want to curl up with lots of blankets and watch movies. it’s almost time to stock up on the hot chocolate for the winter. mm, i love fall.
so, i got prints of ten of my favourite photographs from the last year made at london drugs. i’ve been showing them to some people here at work and their responses have been very interesting. i find it really enlightening to see how different people react to different photos. all but one person showed some serious dismay at this photo’s lack of heads. these photos actually made some people jump back from them. this, this, and this one seem to be the reigning favourites, though.
it’s nice and validating to know that quote-unquote normal people think i make good pictures. it’s also nice to see that they look just as good (sometimes better) when i can hold them in my little hands.

nothing to say. i’m so tired, even after a good night’s sleep. too much to do. i’m overwhelmed and starting to shut down instead of facing it head on. i’m avoiding one boy and trying to not get all caught up in another boy. stupid boys.
oh, the annoying neighbour who can’t cook chicken without setting off her smoke detector has turned into the building police maven, it seems. a couple weeks ago, she posted a treatise on how to park. now, there’s a note on the door to “please close the door quietly”. what she doesn’t seem to grasp is that the door has a hydraulic hinge. if she has problems with the door closing too loudly (her suite is right beside it), she should be talking to the landlords about adjusting the mechanism. i’m going to post my own note to that effect. gah. it’s an apartment building, for pete’s sake. there are noises and inconveniences. if you don’t want to deal with them, buy a house! i’ve been intentionally noisier than usual in the mornings just because it’s pissed me off so much.
yes, i am that petty.