mr. david, if you please.

 so, when i was in college, i fell in love with art history.  actually, back up a step.  i fell in love with art history during my grade 12 western civilization class. that’s actually why i started taking art history classes in college. i imagined myself growing up to become a well-known art restorer, working in all the most amazing museums all over the world, ensuring that priceless paintings and sculpture would not be ravaged by time and inattention.

anyway, i remember one evening in the darkened classroom (it was always dark in there because we were always looking at slides of art, duh), a photo of michaelangelo’s david appeared on the screen.  it could even have been this picture for it seems very familiar to me.  my teacher (whose name i forget, but not her horrible perfume) started talking about how michaelangelo carved david’s head and hands to be larger than normal to ensure that people viewing it from the ground would see them in proper proportion, etc.  she then made some sort of comment about david’s physique and it’s realism. i remember being confused because i didn’t think david’s hip lines were real. they seemed more like the hip joints on g.i. joe dolls than what one would find on a real human male.

you see, at the tender age of 18, i had never seen a man totally naked. at least, never a man who had the buffness of david. mom’s playgirl of burt reynolds didn’t prepare me at all.

to this day, whenever i see this sculpture i blush for my 18-year-old self and her delightful naivete.

i’m bored and tired and grumpy and emotional.  i have a blog to whine about all those things, right?

i’m tired of people asking me how my weekend was. or my last night. or my vacation. because, you know what?  they were dull. and boring. and uneventful because i don’t do anything or go anywhere because i’m either tired, sore or broke 99% of the time.

i woke up at 2:16 a.m. in an emotional tizzy, complete with elevated heart rate and rapid breathing, because of my stupid dreams which were filled with hope and excitement and fear and terror and things i both want to do so very badly but can’t and things i don’t think i’ll ever be able to do because i’m either tired, sore or broke 99% of the time.

sunburn. on the back of my neck. where my “feeling ugly” shirt collar is rubbing against it.  awesome.

yeah, i have a shirt i pretty much only wear when i feel bad about myself.  if you see red plaid, you know i’m extra delicate that day.

if someone says they’re in a bad mood or not good or some other un-positive response to your “GOOD MORNING! HOW ARE YOU?!”,  don’t fucking ask why. just say something like “oh, that’s too bad” or “if you want to talk about it, i’m here” or “would you like me to leave you alone?”. the last thing a cranky and/or emotional person wants to do is freaking explain why they’re cranky and/or emotional, goddammit.

grr.

since i went to the bother of upgrading my cms to fix all sorts of growing issues with the antiquated version i’d been using, i thought i should write something to go with with the shiny new engine driving things around here now.

so, some things:

  • this site is now running its fourth content management system in 13 years.  first came blogger, then greymatter, then moveable type and now wordpress. whee!
  • i had a birthday. it wasn’t a big deal.
  • my stressed out foot boners seem to be almost better. between two months off work, a month and a half of slowing returning to work, physio, chiro, podiatry, new orthotics, tennis balls, ice packs and disabled parking spots, i’m almost cautiously optimistic that my feet might be better. ish. maybe.  i’m totally paranoid to declare myself healed because every other time i’ve expressed optimism, something has flared up and made me want to cry and hack them off.
  • i found someplace i can walk around in trees. this makes me happier than i can say. i missed the smell of forest.
  • i still want to get rid of all the things and start over fresh.
  • cats. so awesome.
  • after three months of not cooking, i think i’m ready to start dealing with food again.
  • it might be a sign that every time i’ve found a telus pvr on sale i’ve not been able to buy it before the sale ended.  i have until july 10th to decide if i’m keeping tv.
  • got my hairs cut off after over a year and no one noticed.  NO ONE.  so sad.
  • speaking of hair, i’m so close to shaving the cats.  my poor vacuum is being worked to death.
  • even though i rarely feel like i deserve it, i have some amazing friends who are very kind to me and i’m thankful for them all.

always being the biggest one in the group meant that i couldn’t ever shop where my friends did. nothing ever fit me in the places we’d go and i wouldn’t dare suggest we go to the one store/section which had things i could try on. the only thing i could buy when out with others was shoes. so i did. i bought a lot of shoes.

now, thankfully, i have friends who i can actually shop with. it’s a still a novel experience and so much girly fun to be able to throw things over the changing room walls to share the awesome and/or hilarity with. even though i’m still bigger than everyone else, sometimes i can try on the same things and it is good.

but, shoes. my one solace. shoes are now off the table. the last few years have utterly ruined me for shoes. what with my hobbit-wide feet and non-existent arches and orthotic inserts and plantar fasciitis and, most recently, stress fractures, finding shoes which 1) fit; and, b) don’t hurt in some way is almost impossible. unless, of course, i don’t care how fucking ugly and or expensive they are.

i didn’t realize just how much i relied on my ability to find shoes when i couldn’t find anything else to help me feel normal. now that that is gone… it’s just kind of makes me sad.

do i wake up to fire and brimstone tomorrow? frog-rain and gyllenhaals trying to save the planet? or, do i get a whole december 21st to do with as i please? or! is there a set time for everything to go to apocalypse? 3:38pm mayan time, perhaps?

i’m not trying to be all glib; i just want to know if i’ll have enough time to get a few things done before it all goes kaboom, you know?

truth be told, i’m hoping i get a full friday. i’ll go to work, come home, snuggle cats, laugh with my mom, watch Fringe, go to bed and then just cease to exist.

while i understand that not everyone is going to be a rockstar/princess/president/celebrity and that there need to be garbagemen/sewer workers/gas station attendants for the world to work properly, some days i have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that i’m not more successful.

then i get cranky with myself.

i’m just a clerk. i file things and organize things and buy things and distribute things. i’m good at answering questions about computers. i make a comfortable living doing this menial office work. i get to go home at the end of eight-and-a-half hours and not worry about much. my co-workers respect me and often give me quite glowing feedback.

i just sometimes feel like i let people down.

sometimes, i even feel like i let myself down.

However it started, it must have been somewhat like this. Although, truth be told, I’ve long forgotten all the details that make such an experience the type which, as it is happening, makes your mind halt for a moment and note to itself with mild astonishment, “This, I believe, is something I won’t ever forget.”

I do remember how it ended, though. I can recall every tear, every sob, every whisper as I walked through town. If you’ve ever tried to keep a secret among people who have known you in any way more than passing acquaintance, you know it is an impossibility. And to still those wagging tongues whose owners seem to have naught to occupy themselves save reveling in their perceived glorification compared to your gossiped fall from grace takes the skill of a snake-charmer and the will of God.

The days leading up to my moment of reckoning were the same effortless days of childhood that everyone experiences. The delight in attempting to capture crickets in the vacant lot down the street, sitting on the front step blowing soap bubbles and truly believing that you could use them to communicate with your playmate next door, coming home at dusk, covered with grass stains and dust and being whisked off to a hot, soapy bath by a mother whose continuous chatter about cleanliness barely hid her longing to do the same. Days that seem to last forever. Days that never come again.

Sarah, my best friend Jenny’s little, and intensely annoying, sister, had just finished carrying out our cardboard lemonade stand to the curb in from of their blue and white split-level home. She came running back into the kitchen, her platinum blond hair bouncing in its tiny ringlets, panting with exertion and excitement. Jenny was negotiating the use of the “good glasses” with her mother while I sat in the nook, brow furrowed in single-minded concentration upon my task. Our sign had to be perfect.

“Shelley,” Sarah panted into my shoulder, “can I colour the lemons? Shelley? Can I?”

I’ve always been hard to disturb when occupied with a task I was determined to perfect. Poor Sarah may as well been pleading with an Easter Island monolith for all the reaction she garnered from my twelve-year-old form.

“Shelley!” Sarah stomped, turning to her sister. “Jenny, can I colour the lemons? Shelley’s ignoring me again.”

Jenny looked over her shoulder at her sister, her honey-coloured hair falling down her back in shimmering waves. “Shelley?” she softly asked.

No matter how deeply within myself I’d delved, regardless of the importance I’d prioritized a task, Jenny had the uncanny ability to pierced my attention and draw me back to the world at large, or the world we had created for ourselves.

“Mmnh?” I mumbled around a mouthful of chestnut hair as my mix-matched eyes sought out my closest friend in the world.

“Sarah wants to colour the lemons after you’ve finished drawing them.”

I wrinkled my nose at the thought of that obnoxious seven-year-old even going near my masterpiece; but I’d never been able to deny Jenny anything. I could tell from her look and subtle tiredness in her voice that she saw this as a means to an end. Occupy Sarah and we could be free of her for a short spell.

“Yeah, okay.” I said after removing the offending lock of hair that somehow always managed to find its way into my mouth when I was concentrating. Looking at Sarah, I directed her, “but don’t mess it up. I’ve been working on this all morning. Okay?”

This was all Sarah wanted to hear. “Okay! I’ll be super careful, I promise!” and she skipped happily to the other room until she was beckoned to her task.

I rolled my eyes and sighed a little as Jenny smiled that sympathetic grin, which seemed to say, “It’s okay. And even if it isn’t, it’s not the end of the world.” If anyone else had given me that look I would have flown into a rage, hissing like an alley cat. But it was Jenny. Beautiful, even-tempered Jennifer.

Again, I put my head down and that offending lock of hair snaked its way back between my lips. My total concentration broken by the preceding exchange, I could make out Jenny’s conversation with her mother as I completed the finishing touches (leaving the lemons black outlines for Sarah, of course) of our soon to be proud banner declaring: Lemonade 2¢.

“She’s only trying to help because she looks up to you two so much, Jennifer” Mrs. Mitchell said to her twelve-year-old daughter as she smoothed a stray bang from Jenny’s eyes.

Jenny nodded slowly, “Yeah, I know, Mom. But she really gets on Shelley’s nerves sometimes.” She stealthily glanced over at me with that statement, hoping I hadn’t heard her. She’d been my buffer from Sarah for as long as that imp was old enough to start following us on our adventures. She knew how much Sarah irked me, and in her amazingly peaceful way, without ever once complaining about it, understood what it would take to make me happy and made sure it was done.

For that, and a million other reasons, I loved her beyond comprehension.

– i went to Thunder Bay, Ontario. there were mosquitos and a sunburn.
– my mom came to visit for two weeks and i didn’t once want to kill her.
– i got a new dress. it is pretty.
– i found out i don’t have any heart damage from my 2009 pulmonary embolism.
– i got another new dress. it was ugly so i sent it back.
– i turned 40. there were cakes.
– i got new brakes (thanks, josh).
– i couldn’t find any new shoes.

it’s been an eventfully uneventful summer so far. there seems to be lots of things happening, but also lots of things not happening. i’m either too busy and stressed out or bored, lonely and sad.

oh, and the cats are shedding. a LOT.

one interesting development which came from my 40th birthday party (thanks again, kimli!): turns out that people see me as a Doctor Who fanatic. i got a Dalek cake, original Doctor Who art cards, a sonic screwdriver pen and eleven tiny Doctors. i never really saw myself as a crazy fan, but i guess others do. yeah, i know i named my cats after characters on the show, but that was mostly because they’re my companions (get it?). and, yeah, i have a tardis on my iphone, but that was a gift. i dunno. i guess it’s just strange to get such a different perspective on how others see me.

tonight, i’ve invited the internet over to my house to take away all my craft supplies. since the kittens came into my life, i can’t go into production like i used to because they’re always trying to help and most of the things i like to make need curing time and if there’s anything out the cats think it’s for them. unfortunately, i don’t think many people are going to take me up on my offer which disappoints me some. i have a lot of cool shit! i’d much rather it went to fun people i know that the Sally Ann where it’ll probably just get tossed or lost in the piles of unwanted stuff.

i’m currently entirely disappointed in work and it’s frustrating not being able to talk about it to get it off my chest and out of my head. but, i can say that i really hope we change pensions because if we do, i can then officially start the countdown to retirement at 55. fifteen years, baby!

sigh.

so, i didn’t mean to, but i accidentally decided not to tweet for a week to see if anyone would notice the absence of my 140-character-at-a-time addition to the interwebs.

no one did.

wait, that’s not entirely true. my mother noticed. after the third day, she sent me a text asking where my tweets were.

thanks, mom. i knew you loved me best!

this is good information to have, i suppose. i should be leaving a week’s worth of food and water out for the kittens because that seems to be the minimum amount of time they’d be without anyone coming to check for my body if i happened to suddenly expire. of course, they could just eat me, but i like to believe they love me too much to desecrate my corpse after only five days.

yes, you could call me an optimist!

but, because i didn’t want you to go entirely without my tweetitude, here are the tweets i would have tweeted if i’d been tweeting this week:

  • sick day. blergh.
  • happy (belated) birthday, @kickpleat!
  • suddenly obsessed with getting an iMac. too bad i have no money and all future monies i may receive are spoken for.
  • wash hands. apply lotion. wash hands. apply lotion. wash hands. apply lotion.
  • i’m getting tired of waking up an hour after i’ve gone to bed. wide awake. THIS IS NOT NAP TIME, DAMMIT!
  • red licorice and tomato soup do not make for a nutritious dinner.
  • how long should i wait for a charge to appear on my credit card before i can safely assume i got my parking for free?
  • it’s taken almost eleven months, but i think my belly button is finally back to not being all weird from surgery.
  • i really wish it wasn’t such a big deal. #obamalovesthegays
  • at $50/mo., it would take me 6 years 4 months to buy all the tech i want today.
  • of course the first person to notice i hadn’t tweeted in three days would be my mother. you didn’t notice, did you?
  • ow. owowowowow.
  • mewling quim! i love you joss whedon.
  • i feel like getting shwarma now.
  • i’m going to pay for this in the morning, but that was really, really worth it. really.
  • happy fifth tweeting anniversary to me! (how ironic is it that i’m not tweeting on it.)
  • @rose_and_amy need to stop being so adorable in the mornings. it makes it too heart-wrenching to get out of bed.
  • if Ian Somerhalder plays Christian Grey in the movie, i might just die from the sexy. (yes, i’m reading FSofG. shut up, you read Twilight!)

i’m halfway through my NO SPEND MONTH and things seem pretty good so far. the first week was pretty dodgy, but now that we’re on the downhill slope things are getting easier. it helps that i’ve been able to go out for meals with friends and i haven’t yet had to break out the sardines which have been hiding out in my cupboard for who knows how long.

i’ve been keeping a list of things i didn’t buy (which i will publish at the end of the month), but i find that as the month progresses there’s fewer things i have to stop myself from purchasing. i think they call that progress.

otherwise… yeah. hi.

i came home from ValenTaco Tuesday last night to find a box of chocolates and a card on my kitchen table from my dad. he snuck in during the day and left them for me. AWW! i have the best dad ever. no, really. i’ll totally fight you if you think differently.

ever feel like you have something stuck in your throat but you know you don’t and all the coughing and swallowing in the world never makes it go away? turns out that’s a thing. it’s called cricopharyngeal spasms. turns out it’s not cancer and just a “cramp” in the little valve in your layrnx which opens and closes when you swallow. now you know!

i love my kindle. why? it’s only the seventh week of 2012 and i’ve already read seven books (and will have read eight by the end of today). don’t believe me? go check out my goodreads stats (sign up required, sorry)! seriously, i haven’t read this voraciously in so many years. it’s awesome. of course, it doesn’t hurt that i’m mostly reading YA fluff, but whatever. it’s just nice to be excited about books again. it’s been a long time. too long. so, yeah, thank you, kindle. you’re my hero.

btw, if you like dystopian YA (The Hunger Games, Divergent), go read Marie Lu’s Legend. it’s fantastic! (thanks, Shan!)

as is tradition, i’ll be damn glad when january is over. ugh, this month! what is it about this month?

***

everytime i’m in the kitchen slicing a lot of something, i think about that late series episode of Dawson’s Creek in which Pacey is working in the restaurant owned by that kind of jerky rich guy. he’s given a bushel of potatoes and told to slice them as thinly as he can. after something like a month of slicing bowl upon giant bowl of potatoes he finally has a Pacey-style hissy fit and is all “why am i slicing all these goddamn potatoes?!” and his dick boss hands him a dish and says “so you don’t waste these super-expensive truffles”.

i don’t know why i think of that, but i do. then i think about how that was kind of a pivotal moment for Pacey as he finally found something he was willing to suffer through to the end because it was like he knew cooking was going to be the one thing he was really good at. lucky for him he found someone to teach him.

btw, i may have that all completely wrong, but it’s how i remember it. so there.

***

seriously, why do you people like me?

***

i haven’t been to the gym since…early october? maybe late september. i can practically feel my muscles turning into fat. i have so many owies it’s like i’m 80 when i try to get out of bed at 5am. you’d think that would inspire me to get back to it, right? you’d be wrong. besides the fact that i barely have enough energy to get from work to home and from the car to a supine position on my new couch means that just the thought of — shudder — exercise exhausts me. then all the ow which i know will come from abusing what’s left of my muscles… ugh. no thanks.

seriously, they’re not kidding when they say the hardest part of working out is just getting in the gym.

i’m trying to gear myself up mentally for it. but… that’s three hours less kitten time per week! how could i ever survive?

***

speaking of kittens, i think they’ve broken me.

pre-cats i was a sucker for animal and senior welfare, but now i seem to be some total pansy-ass compassionate do-gooder. or at least i would be if i weren’t too scared to talk to strangers.

it just seems that i’m suddenly finding myself being empathicly drawn to people and creatures which seem to be in distress. and, if i can’t actually help them, find myself getting all sniffly and worrying about them long past my observation of them.

last week, i saw a pigeon in distress while i was driving back to work after lunch. i cried all the way to the office because i couldn’t help it because i had to go back to the office.

yesterday, i saw this woman on the sidewalk being held tightly on the upper arm by a man. she wasn’t looking at him, but out at the cars driving by. i wanted to turn around and find some excuse to interrupt them to ascertain if she was being manhandled. later on my commute, a man was squatting down while holding a small black book against his face with the palms of his hands. it looked like he might be crying. i wanted to go back and ask him if he was okay.

but, i didn’t.

and i worry that makes me a bad person.

what’s worse? not noticing these things and feeling a compassionate need to assist or noticing & feeling but not doing anything but fucking blogging about it?

christmas ruined me.

well, it wasn’t just christmas. it was the most expensive haircut i’ve ever had. then it was LONDON. then the new iPhone. then the new dress & shoes & handbag. then christmas. then travelling to/from the island. then the new couch. then Christopher’s 40th birthday & party. then the $50 pen. then the destination wedding accommodations. then, then, then…

everything i’ve spent in the last four months has seemed needed and important and, when taken separately, affordable. but now? i’m all tapped out and determined to cast off this cloak of consumerism i’ve been wearing for too many purchases. it’s been a slow death by a thousand cuts and i’m so very tired of bleeding. let me be clear: i’m not in debt for any of these purchases. i have the cash to pay for them all; but, it’s eating into my savings and that is starting to freak me out and piss me off.

to that end, i am declaring February NO SPEND MONTH.

other than things i’ve already budgeted for (thankfully, that’s a lot), i’m not spending anything. that means, when my food & grocery money is spent, i either rummage in my cupboards for miracle meals or i starve. when my entertainment budget is blown, i will not be going out where i will have to pay monies.

hopefully, i will be able to live below my budget for the month and then maybe have a little bit left over to put back into those deflated savings accounts; but, i’ll be happy to be at net zero come the end of Feb.

this declaration is part public commitment to my plan and a head’s up to all those who care that i may be even more hermity next month — especially the last few days — if things don’t go well.

since you arrived from my friend Jodi Chromey, you’ve been my constant companion for the last eight years, six months and 18 days. you’ve travelled with me through four countries, in cars, on boats, in planes and on buses. you’ve written letters, cheques, daily drivel and secret notes.

today, as i was screwing in a new ink cartridge, you finally collapsed. your beautiful red barrel cracked. i couldn’t believe my eyes. i denied the reality before me as you tore yourself apart trying to get one. last. cartridge. inside you for me to use.

i’ve ordered your replacement, but know that you’ll never truly be replaced. thank you for all the words, dearest Lamy. you will never be forgotten.

i’m having a hard time keeping the tears back today. i’ve been worrying for two weeks and this is a trigger day for reasons i don’t want to put on the internet. getting to the sad, dog dying part of the book i’m reading didn’t help matters. nor are all these awesome hormones i’m battling.

so, i need to think nice things.

last night was full of nice things. i had a bunch of fun people over to watch the premiere of America’s Next Top Model All-Stars. i also finally (after first deciding it was a good idea) got my wednesday night salad party. yay! although, some people thought that salad was made of cookies or pudding & truffles. i LOVE those kind of people! i even got brave and brought a co-worker into the mix. she got totally fooled and thought all my friends were great. silly co-worker! ;)

and, i managed to have an almost entirely dish-washing-free evening. other than a few bowls and serving utensils, i didn’t have to do any dishes! wahoo!

the kittens were charming and everyone said all the nice things about how tiny and soft and cute and adorable and awesome they are. i’m pretty sure i now know what parental pride feels like. of course, Amy had to be Amy and right in the middle of watching the show, she up and climbed on the plasma tv to entertain my guests. i love my cats. =)

i’m trying hard to make it until quitting time. i wish i could just go home, bury myself in kittens and cry my worry out, but i can’t. so, instead, i write blog posts and wish my day away. why is it so hard sometimes? it doesn’t seem quite fair.

two years ago today, i was walking up the stairs to christopher’s house when my heart started galloping like a racehorse, i couldn’t catch my breath and it felt like someone was standing on my sternum. what i didn’t realize until i was lying in the ambulance hooked up to beeping things, and wouldn’t be confirmed until a few hours later after i received x-rays and a CT scan, was that the reason my left calf had been hurting for a week after my knee operation was that i had a clot in there — and that clot had decided that it wanted emancipation. so, it broke free and zipped through my hemoglobin highways and got stuck in my lung.

where it nearly killed me.

i was lucky in many ways that day. i was quick-witted enough to figure out what had happened even before the diagnosis. i was aware and persistent enough to tell my theory to anyone i came across. i live in a country whose medical system, despite its flaws, is amazing and available to everyone. i had the loving support of my boyfriend and father in the hospital while waiting for a prognosis.

i could have died that day.

the doctors all have mentioned that my clot was big, yet no one will tell me exactly how big it was. that makes me think it was the size of my head and they’re fucking amazed i didn’t drop dead right there. seriously, why wouldn’t they tell me unless it was really scary? so, i know that i dodged a clot-shaped bullet. people routinely die from emboli. one minute you’re walking up the stairs, next you’re dead. bam. just like that.
that could have been me.

it took me a good year to deal with all the PTSD associated with that near-death experience. i’m still not over it all. i have moments where it all comes back to me and i freak the fuck out. i will say that year two was definitely better than year one. this year, i started living again and i think i’ve actually done my second life a little justice this last twelve months.

let’s see, i…

– got rid of that crappy ass volkswagen and
– bought a shiny, new car
– ROAD TRIP!
– got cats. finally.
– had visitors from afar
– bootcamp! regular exercise has been amazing in helping me get my head on straighter.
– lost a wee bit of weight
– paid off ALL my consumer debt!!!
– had the best birthday in the last couple of decades!
– started enjoying living by doing things. with people. outside. OMG!
– got my guts fixed gallbladder removed so i don’t have random, debilitating pain harshing my joie de vivre

and, the best of all…

– booking a trip to England with Kimli & Renee in October!!!

so, yeah. my second life isn’t so bad. i’m kind of glad i’m getting to live it.

all i want to do is:

– read awesome books on my Kindle
– play with/snuggle/scritch/watch my cats
– day-dream about going to London & Paris

i wish i could try out:

– home staging/decorating
– real estate selling
– x-ray technicianing
– fashion designing
– food photography

i really would like to:

– throw out everything and start again
– paint the walls
– not talk for a week
– have someone deliver my meals so i don’t have to think about food

good things from this week:

– new shoes
– fun music times
– adorable cats
– taro slush with pearls, half sweet

things i am looking forward to:

– London & Paris
– mom visiting
– dad’s European river cruise photos
– bedtime

i am:

– tired
– hot
– broke
– dirty
– lazy
– trying

as of Saturday night i had:
– procured a robot
– hand-washed my car for the second time (since i purchased it in April 2010)
– bought train tickets to Paris
– bought tickets to the top of the Eiffel Tower. in PARIS.
– had the best nap ever
– eaten a Korean burrito (eggs! why, eggs?!)
– gotten stuck in traffic way more than ever necessary
– got stared at by a table-full of people
– eaten a Pirate Pak! yarr!
– box-jumped! successfully!
– wore a pretty glass thing i made
– watched two sad stories of cat abuse which made me cry and hug my kittens so tight
today, i’m:
– watching my robot clean my floors (drunk robot!)
– procrastinating going to the food shops
– soon to go pick up my dad at the airport
– having dinner with the boy
– not having a nap
– dreaming of London & Paris

whoa! eleven years! i’ve been blogging for eleven years? that’s fucked up.

what’s the eleventh anniversary? steel! well… i did buy myself tickets for a big steel bird to take me to England in October! i guess that should count nicely. =)

so, yeah, after talking about going to England for ELEVEN YEARS (what a coincidence!), i’ve finally gotten around to buying tickets. they’re non-refundable and non-transferable, so i absolutely can’t bow out now. HOLY CRAP! i’m going to England! i’m giddy and scared and excited and thrilled and and and! i’m also so very glad that i’m going with Kimli & Renee. while i like to think that i’m all independent and stuff, i probably wouldn’t have ever gotten around to going there on my own. they’ll be my instigators and wing-women as we hustle around London (and maybe Paris? and/or Cardiff?) taking in all the awesome and making adventure in our own image.

SO EXCITED!!!

p.s. Kimli & i are sharing a table at the Blim market portion of Picnurbia Carfree Festival at the corner of Robson & Howe this Sunday. word is they’re laying turf on the street and everyone’s invited to roll around on it! i’m confused and delighted and hope y’all come buy to visit us!

the neighbours with the squeaky dog toy sounding child moved from across the hall to an upstairs apartment (thankfully, not above me). i had a brief fling with thinking about flipping my life and living on the other side of the building. the pros & cons stacked up thusly:
pros
chance to start fresh
new paint
scrubbed from top to bottom
no stompy upstairs
none of stompy’s garden flotsam falling onto my balcony
building on that side is quieter, more mature
breezeway never used by loud people cutting through
excellent opportunity to really purge more stuff
re-arranging!
cons
all the address/utility changes just to change from #6 to #5
moving (ew)
costs (may be higher rent)
re-learning where everything is (it’s a mirror-image of my apartment)
upstairs mafia guy may be worse than stompy (hard to imagine, but possible)
might be hotter as it’s on side which gets direct sun most of the day
could have a worse bathroom/uglier kitchen/crappier doors & windows
but, really, i’m lazy and cheap, so i’m probably not going anywhere.
another thing i’m thinking about is London.
turns out there’s both an opportunity for free accommodation and a very cheap flight to England and i find myself seriously considering finally getting myself to Europe before i die. but, it’s still going to be many hundreds of dollars i find myself hesitant to divert from more responsible uses. i also have goals to get a new couch and i think i have a destination wedding i need to save up for. not to mention just saving for emergencies and avoiding the accumulation of any more debt (especially after having worked so hard to pay it all off last spring).
i got my first passport a dozen years ago just so i could go to England and it expired without a British stamp in it. how depressing.
of course, these two thinking things work against each other. if i move, i can’t afford to go to London. if i go to London, i can’t afford to move. hell, i if i go to London, i can’t afford to buy my new dream couch.
being a responsible adult fucking sucks. so does being broke (not poor, right Jen?).

as the cats race around the apartment in their daily burst of insanity, i’m sitting here quietly celebrating the first time i’ve been bank loan free in the last ~15 years. hell, it’s been so long, i can’t even remember when i first started building debt. it was probably 1990 when i filled out that credit card application i found at the Capilano College (now University) campus. oh, how i wish i could go back in time and rip that thing out of my hand…
in the the interest of full disclosure, yes, i still have a car loan. so, i do still owe a bank money; but, i consider that an expense since it’s a 0% loan and doesn’t exceed the amount i was paying just for repairs for the Golf.
with a lot of hard work and spreadsheet time, i’ve been on track to pay off the bank for the last couple of years. the purchase of my new car last year threw a bit of a wrench in the plans to be entirely debt-free by this coming summer; but, when i realized that i was literally throwing money away on endless repairs, taking a bit of a detour was worth the delay in debt-freedom. regardless, i did manage to, while making payments on my new car, pay off $13,000 owing to RBC in just 13 months!
i made a lot of sacrifices to get here and i have a fair bit of rebuilding to do before i’m back in what i’d consider a comfortable financial situation, but the psychological payoff is so very worth it.
i will never pay interest again!