hey! it’s november! the month where people try to use their written words every day! to that end, i’ll be doing my darndest to comply by attempting to post for the next thirty days. in a row. how scary!
in case you’ve not been paying attention, i’ve been looking to get a cat. i’ve never fallen in love so many times in such a short period of time during the search for my purrfect feline companion. nor have i had my heart broken so many times. i’d never before been to an SPCA or shelter. it’s been quite shocking the conditions in some of them. i will say that the North Vancouver District Animal Shelter has the best cat room of all i’ve seen. it’s huge, with all sorts of climbs, nooks & crannies for the cats to snuggle in AND it has a whole outside enclosure where the wee beasites can play in the fresh air! both Christopher and i were delighted when we saw it.
as i write this, i’m waiting to hear about my application to adopt Tuti & Fruity (don’t worry, i’ll be changing their names) from the very same awesome shelter. they are nearly identical girl tabbies which are somewhere between 5 and 9 months old. it’s hard to tell their exact age because of how freakin’ tiny they are. i’ve been to visit them three times and after my last visit on my way home friday night, i knew i couldn’t not bring them home with me. nor could i split them up. they’re just such perfect little kitty bookends! the only way to tell them apart is that one is slightly smaller and the other has a little more brown in her coat. the bigger, browner one was the one who jumped up to cling at a 4-foot ledge when i tried to leave. the smaller, greyer one was the one who first stole my heart.
while i’m totally scared of having two young cats, i think getting them both is the best decision for us all. while i’m at work all day, they’ll have each other to play with and, hey, two cats has got to be better than just one, right? except for when it comes to litter box clean-up, i guess.
so, please cross your fingers for me that i get accepted to give those precious little kittens a new home. and, should i be successful, prepare yourself for the onslaught of adorable cat photos & videos i’m sure to be deluging the internet with.

he wiggled his fingers then slowly made a fist with his new hand.
this feels real.
he stretched his hand open. he pulled backwards on his pinky finger until the nail almost touched his wrist. it didn’t hurt.
they promised me no pain. i can feel it, but it doesn’t hurt.
letting his finger spring back into place, he turned his head. first to the left, then to the right. up and down. side to side. it felt almost unbearably real.
he slowly experimented with moving each part of his new body. hadn’t he asked for this; to be remade, reborn, in this cybernetic form? why was he surprised that it had happened? why did he doubt it so much? he’d read the research, seen the prototypes, talked to the first, defective, recipients. he’d risked everything to reach this moment, yet he still disbelieved.
how is it that even with an artificial brain, i still have these debilitating human thought patterns?
even in his thoughts, the word “human” was uttered with such contempt that anyone overhearing would have cringed at the malice it contained.
he’d searched his entire life for a means to escape the unbearable existence of his own flesh. now, on the dawn of his new life, he was coming to the realization that it wasn’t his cells which had held him hostage. it had been him all along. the core of him. his thoughts. his mind. his soul.
i’ve become frankenstein’s monster. i’m pinnochio in reverse. a boy made a puppet. why didn’t i see it sooner? now i will never be free.
he would have sobbed then, if they’d built him tear ducts.
i wish i had known. at least i would have died.
[originally posted on July 27, 2001]

after six years, i’m finally ready to bring a cat into my apartment. the super’s been asked, the screens have been installed and the bathroom is ready for it’s kitty-friendly addition. the only thing missing is the cat.
there sure are a lot of cats out there waiting for new homes.
i’ve been to three of the seven SPCAs in the lower mainland over the last week. every time, i leave wanting to take all the cats home with me. with the exception of the Richmond SPCA, the cats live in sad 2’x2’x2′ metal cages. some reach out their paws through the bars to beg you to grab your attention. others hide in their boxes or bury themselves under blankets, too scared or depressed to interact.
it’s been a heartbreaking process.
yesterday, Christopher and i went back out to Surrey and Richmond for second visits with three potentials we met on the weekend. unfortunately, one showed a nasty side (and drew blood) and another was far too much of a scaredy-cat needing a lot more time and work than i have to give, so they’re off the list. the third wasn’t quite as lively and affectionate as our first visit and has proven without a doubt she’s not a cuddle cat, which is definitely a characteristic i’m looking for.
but, they say that when one door closes, another opens, and i met two fantastic tabbies i kind of fell in love with.
this is mitsy, a one-year-old female:

mitsy!

and this is stax, a five-month-old male:

stax!

mitsy took everything i threw at her. picking her up, scratching her butt, holding her like a baby. she even let me rub her belly without an attack! and, more adorably, she was up on her hind feet trying to catch the hummingbirds playing on the tv in the Surrey cat room. SO CUTE! her coat is silky smooth with very little white in with the brown tabby.
stax is a little younger than i was looking for, but he’s a riot. he would lie down on the floor and stretch alllll the way out, easily doubling his length, and loving a tummy scritch.. for a while. once he was over it, he let me know with a couple of back claws. he’s got such an expressive face and pretty yellow-green eyes.
so, i’m back to square one. i have two and a half cats i really like to choose from.
this process is kind of killing me. i think it’s because i utterly fell in love with the first cat i saw: buddy. he was a beautiful grey tabby at the North Van Bosley’s pet store. unfortunately for me, he was already spoken for when we met. ugh.
i joked with Chris that maybe i shouldn’t get a cat at all, just keep going to visit them at the shelters. but, we both agreed that’s not the same thing at all. i think he should get stax and i’ll get mitsy and we can all live happily ever after. see? that wasn’t hard at all!

i’m kind of scared to post anything to this here weblog anymore as i’ve been repeatedly raped by comment spammers. at the height of the degradation, i had over 650 comments in less than twelve hours. i’ve since deleted them all and disabled comments on most of the entries i’ve written in the last two years. i feel like i’m just asking for more pillaging by even typing a single character in this little box, but, oh well. i have the urge to purge and this is where i do it best. or something. it’s probably just that i needed more than 140 characters to properly update and disseminate.
have i mentioned how much i love (and hate) twitter?
about the comment spam, i guess it means i need to upgrade my cms. i’m not at all inclined to do so, especially since it looks as if wordpress is the route i’m being forced to take. i can’t find any really good spam filter plug-ins for movable type (my current platform of choice). at this point, just the thought of having to migrate makes me want to hide under my bed with all the dustbunnies and hairballs.
what happened? ten years ago, i loved nothing more than to sit and fiddle with my blog layout and tweak settings until i couldn’t tweak no more. now? i’d happily pay someone in creme brulee to do it all for me, while using a a stock template, to boot!
anyhoo, that’s just one reason why i’ve been loathe to post anything. it seems like it’s not worth the eventual hassle. if i haven’t mentioned it, twitter is the other, duh.
i’m upset that autumn seems to be broken this year. my favourite trees in Grand Boulevard Park skipped their fabulous brilliant reds & yellows by going straight from green to dead. i think it was probably the crazy-dry summer followed by the biblical amounts of rain we got over the course of a few weeks in September. i look forward to them turning shades of fire every fall. *sniff* sad christmas.
did you know that if you don’t pay attention, you can spend a lot of money on relatively nothing in a very short period of time? i should have just bought myself something big, in one fell swoop, with my lottery winnings rather than nickel & dime it to death with not much to show for it. there’s still a little left, and i think i’ll invest in a memory upgrade for McGillicuddy — i get the beachball of death & the other day, Excel actually crashed with an “out of memory” error.
i’m not going to write anymore right now for two reasons:
1. maybe i’ll come back again soon; and,
2. i don’t want to spoil you. you’re needy enough already. ;)
p.s. i’ll leave comments open until the first spam comment gets left on this entry. then, i’ll get a gun and go on a rampage.

let’s see… have i told you lately that i love you? no? i’m not surprised. i’m not in a very loving frame of mind these days. except with pizza and my couch.
and, because i’m having a really hard time finding reasons to love, i’m going to make a list of things which make me happy — or, at least, don’t piss me off. because i really need a reminder that life isn’t as shitty as it feels to me right now.
cats. i got to play with my best friend’s cat the other day. he’s so soft and purry and pretty. i heart cats. when my super comes to fix my floor, i’m going to find out, once and for all, if i can get a cat. if the answer is yes, that’s it. no more talk. i’m going to go find me something soft and fuzzy to love.
HD. o.m.g. yeah, now i get what all the fuss is about. of course, it’s all thanks to the new (to me) plasma tv and super-cheap Telus tv service i just switched to. wow. yeah, i can’t wait to see Castle in HD. all that yummy Nathan Fillion goodness all big and pore-rich? *drool*
sewing. i can’t entirely tell if this makes me happy yet, but the IDEA of it certainly does. i signed up for a sewing 101 class at Spool of Thread next saturday. i’m ridiculously excited to go and learn how to make a tote bag out of super-yummy fabrics.
kingsley. i love air conditioning. i love keyless entry. i love power steering. i love how quiet it is. i love that it goes when i tell it to and stops when i tell it to. i love warranties. i love new car smell (which i can’t smell anymore). i love driving without fear for the first time in far too many years.
canadian health care. it’s coming up a year since my NDE and i can’t say enough good things about paramedics, nurses and general hospital staff. i had surgery, then suffered near-fatal complications, and everyone involved in my care and treatment was beyond awesome (except for that one ER doctor who will go unnamed). i am, and will always be grateful that i live in a country where i don’t have to hesitate for a moment before seeking medical care. i know that help is there for me, no matter how much money i have or what my standing in society. the system is not perfect, but it saved my life. i love canada.
mcgillicuddy. for my birthday, i bought myself a Mac Mini and it’s so nice to have a computer which Just Works. hell, it’s also a media PC since i have it connected to my tv via HDMI. no more transferring files from my computer to the DVD player via DVD/USB/SD-card. just click-click and bam! more HD goodness! plus, it’s tiny and cute and i no longer have that ugly, noisy box sitting on my floor filling up with dust and spiders.
emergency fund. thanks to my mom & i’s meager lottery win the other week, i now have (well, i will in two weeks) a nice-sized cushion of cash sitting in the orange bank. and, thanks to my Magic Spreadsheet and two years of budget tweaking, i shouldn’t have to touch it except in the case of dire need (which, thanks to the new car purchase, shouldn’t come up often anymore *crosses fingers*). it’s nice to know it’s there, even if i hope i never have to use it for anything.
skirts. with age comes a severe decrease in modesty. or maybe that was just a week in hospital with random strangers lifting up my gown several times a day. either way, yeah. i used to be so stupidly ashamed of my fat cankles that i’d never, ever think to bare them, even in the hottest hot or at the prettiest party. now? blah. i’m fat. my legs are fat. it’s hot. i’m going to wear a goddamn skirt! plus, skirts are flouncy and fun. and pretty. and i need something to make me feel pretty. who cares if my Polish peasant legs are stubby and pale. they’re not hurting you, so why should i hide them away? bring on the skirts — let’s twirl!
Christopher Evans. he’s stupidly kind and sweet to me, even when i don’t deserve it. he’ll go run to the store to fetch bacon so we can have a yummy breakfast at home. he’ll change my kitchen light bulb because i’m too short to reach it without a teetering tower of chairs and stools. he’ll tell me i’m cute and kiss the back of my neck. he’ll carry the basket at the grocery store even when it gets super heavy and it hurts his sore back. he’ll only complain a little when i make him watch yet another episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker. *gush*
getting rid of stuff. i experience a big mental sigh of relief every single time i remove something unused or unloved from my home. it’s as if a physical weight is lifted. i love having bare space around me in my apartment. it feels right. it feels free. it opens up my ability to imagine and relax. when there’s too much stuff around me, i feel claustrophobic. i get antsy and anxious and unhappy. i’m currently gearing up for a huge de-clutter. my first priority is to rip all my CDs then find them new homes elsewhere. i don’t know what i’ll do with all that shelf-space! how exciting!!
well, that’s surprising. i didn’t think i’d have that many things which make me happy. i didn’t put down things like bubble tea or not talking or showers, because they have negatives attached to them which almost neutralize their goodness. but, yeah. i guess life doesn’t suck as much as it seems.
now, bring me spicy tuna.

today is my blog’s 10th birthday.

i wanted to make a big production with prizes and retrospectives and “best of”s, but yeah. it’s not really that kind of blog anymore, is it?

every august 10th, i take a few minutes to think about all the good things this website has brought me. i’ve met some of my most favourite people thanks to my weblog. i’ve kept other friends and family members up on my latest antics and tragedies. i’ve shared my photos and creations. i’ve gotten support and encouragement when i needed it most. i’ve used it to learn about myself and words and html and css. i’ve vented and cursed and swooned and gushed and laughed and cried and grumbled. all out here in the open on the internets for anyone to see and share.

i miss it, if i’m really honest with myself. i miss the multiple posts per day. the comments and commentary. the link backs. the random wish list gifts. the stalkers. even the template thieves! but, facebook and twitter have made that sort of blogging passe, i suppose. i’m not interesting enough to be a paid blogger like Dooce or knowledgeable enough about anything in particular to monetize my ramblings, which seems to be the only reason why people have blogs these days.

i started writing online when i didn’t have a lot going on in my life. i didn’t really have any local friends to spend time with. if i wasn’t working, i was probably chatting online or sitting alone in my apartment. the vancouver blogging community (and, later, meetup, flickr and twitter) changed all that for me. if i hadn’t started a blog, i probably wouldn’t have met so many great friends who’ve brought such fun and joy into my life. i would never have met Christopher. i can only imagine i would be a much lonelier and sadder person than i am now.

all from a few words on a server somewhere connected by a bunch of bits travelling around the world superfast! how awesome is technology?!

also, every august 10th, i make some vague promise to blog more, blog better; but, i can’t promise that to you anymore. i blow my wad on conversations with real people these days; or, spew out my pith in 140 characters or less. it’s been years since i’ve managed to be interesting on a consistent basis. i apologize for that. i miss you, it, us, them. it’s not the same as it was back at the beginning of this shiny new century; but it is what it is and, honestly, i don’t mind it all that much.

so, happy birthday blog! and happy birthday blog readers! thanks for the shoulders, the ears, the laughs, the love, the learning and the decade of your time & attention.

my week thusfar has completely unraveled. and it’s only tuesday! ugh. i hate it when i’m overcommitted and my regularily scheduled plans are thwarted by outside stuff.
so, i find myself obsessively planning all the things i want to accomplish during my glorious ten-day vacation which commences promptly at 3:30pm friday afternoon:
– get Kingsley’s first service (has it been four months already??)
– go to the doctor for various pokes & prods
– visit america to buy sponges, underpants and, hopefully, pants which won’t fall down
– finish one or two home projects so that i can document and present my awesomeness to the internets
– go to Kelowna to visit Gill and family (i have yet to thank my aunt for the hand-me-down plasma tv)
– sleep
– get a damn hair cut
– see Inception
– install fancy softwares and get things like my scanner and cameras working on my mac
– see people
– be alone
– rent a paddleboat to float on Deer Lake and bbq hot dogs with many favourite peoples
– sell more stuff on Craigslist (omg, it’s so much fun!)
so, yeah. i’m just muddling my way through this last week of officemate-filling-in. trying not to screw up too much and avoid as much confusing/weird crap as possible before i get to hand it all back to him with just as much explanation as he gave me (which was NONE).
i think the worst part is that the gym is being renovated, and that means no bootcamp this week. ugh! how the hell am i supposed to purge my stress if i can’t sweat it out?? good thing my stomach’s been upset, or i’d just eat my weight in medicinal chocolate.
om. vacation. om.

in the last few months i’ve replaced:
– my cell phone
– my car
– my diet
– my tv
– my dining room chairs
– my computer
– my tv/internet service
– my pvr
– my monitor
it seems so strange that suddenly, it seems, i’m replacing everything i use on a regular basis. the last thing i have that really needs replacing, though, is my dSLR. while it’s still working, i’m having trouble finding Nikon software to do what I need done on the new computer; but, seeing as i’ve already blown all semblance of a budget with my recent splurges, i’ll be holding off on that for a while.
so, in case you don’t know, here’s the scoop on each one:
i replaced my crappy pay-as-you-go cell phone from virgin with a shiny iPhone 3GS with a ridiculously cheap and flavourful plan from Bell. it was a bit of a mental hurdle to go from one to the other, but after six months, i can’t even imagine life without it now.
on april first, i picked up my 2010 Mazda 3 Sport from the dealership. i had finally had enough of all the troubles my 1991 VW Golf had given me, and, thanks to my dad and 0% financing for 5 years, i finally have a reliable car with so. many. features! i don’t think i’ll ever get tired of power steering or air conditioning. so THIS is how other people live! it’s so decadent!
with the bootcamp fitness challenge at work came a food plan. with that food plan, i started eating every 2-3 hours. now, if i don’t get fed regularly, i get very cranky and very sleepy. it’s annoying! but, i guess the 14 pounds i lost mean that all that eating is good for me, so i’m sticking with it. mostly.
my mom and her middle sister made a spur of the moment road trip up to Kelowna to visit their estranged (and crazy) little sister a couple months back. while there, my crazy aunt offered my mom a 32″ plasma tv. mom had just gotten a new 40″ LCD, so she declined, but she did say that i needed one. hence, instead of my perfectly suitable 20″ CRT, i’m now the proud owner of a gigantic (to me) fancy HD tv. score!
as an early birthday present, Christopher bought me four aqua chrome dining chairs to go with my yellow arborite & chrome dining table. we had to make a trek out to maple ridge to get them, but it was worth the adventure (and the scrubbing needed once i got them home). they are exactly what i’ve always wanted to complete my retro dining set. yay craigslist!
i switched! yup, on my birthday, i went to the Apple store and bought myself a Mac Mini to replace my dying PC, discombobulate. it was a good run, but i was tired of broken USB, cranky loud fans and all the Windows slowness. now, i’m all Apple-y with my mac and iphone. just get me some skinny jeans & big, empty 80’s eyeglass frames and i’ll be right at home on Main St.
after hmming and hawing for a month after getting an offer for Telus TV in my mailbox, i decided to make the switch from Shaw. even with my superawesome unapproved deal with them, the Telus offer was too good to pass up. despite all the installation issues on Saturday, it seems it’s worth it. HD is so awesome. so is being able to record THREE THINGS AT ONCE with the new pvr it came with (bye-bye TiVo)! OMG! this upcoming TV season is going to be SO AWESOME!
the problem, it seems, with replacing one thing is it leads to another. that’s why after getting the new, fast, sexy Mac Mini, i ended up buying a new, shiny 23″ monitor. i hadn’t planned on it, i swear! i wasn’t even looking, until Chris pointed out the pile of really cheap Samsung monitors at NCIX while we were there picking up a new power bar and HDMI adapter (did i mention, i can connect the new Mac to my new TV to watch downloaded stuff without any converting or transferring? SO HAWT!). it was one of those times it was just too perfect to say no to. the monitor cost pretty close to the savings from cancelling my tivo service because of the new Telus TV service. it all fell into place and now i’m swimming in screen real estate!
here endeth my journal of rampant consumerism. please help pay off my gluttony by buying my stuff:
12″ Apple iBook G4
Acer 19″ LCD widescreen monitor
LACk floating shelf in Beech

so, my 37th year was… eventful. among other things i:
i had surgery (and woke up), but ended up nearly dying a week later. luckily, i’m smart or something and had a good idea what was happening and had the wherewithal to advocate for myself while being rolled around the medical system. unfortunately, i learned a little too much about fear and anxiety. i also learned that i am so unbearably lucky to have the family and friends that i do.
i also gave up on trying to be debt-free for my 41st birthday and bought a much-needed new, and warrantied, car.
i met someone i’ve wanted to for many years when my friend Paige came to visit in May.
i’ve gone to a lot of parties and have, shockingly, started not hating the idea of them!
i started going to boot-camp and got my ass KICKED twice-weekly for three months. the scariest thing? i loved it and can’t wait to get back to it! Christopher isn’t sure how he feels about my shrinking ass, though. ;)
i believe it’s no longer possible for me to pretend that i’m young. 38 is way too close to 40 for comfort.
so… 38. what do you have in store for me? whatever you do, please be gentle with me. i may seem to be all tough, but i’m still a little tender from the whooping i got last year.

do you remember when you didn’t know who was calling you before you picked up the phone?
how about  having to get up to change the channel on the tv?
or knowing where you’re going and planning to get there on time because you had no way to contact someone in-transit?
what about having to use the stove to heat up leftovers?
or having to plan to be home at 8pm on thursday night to watch your favourite show because if you didn’t, you would just plain miss it?
it seems i’m feeling a little nostalgic for all the things which have changed, just in my (short-ish) lifetime.
don’t get me wrong, i love tech.  i barely remember how i lived without my microwave, tivo, iphone and digital everything.  power windows in my car.  a whole collection of movies and tv shows on dvd to watch anytime i want.  hundreds of albums worth of music in my pocket wherever i go.  i don’t think i’d willingly go back to those days, but still… there’s a sense that things were simpler.  less busy.  quieter and maybe even a little better.
all the distractions have entirely eroded my ability to concentrate.  reading a book?  c’mon!  every few pages i have to put it down to check twitter or email or see why tivo’s recording something. oh, wait!  that reminds me, i have to google [insert random thing here]!  i miss uni-tasking.  i miss not needing the internet in my pocket.  i miss having extra outlets; not plug-juggling to get juice for whatever new gadget it is i just brought home.
there’s not really any place for me to go with this train of thought except into a shiny mag-lev future.  unless there’s a giant EMP which fries all the transistors in all our tech, it’ll only get more gadgety and our kids won’t even believe us when we tell them stories about having to write letters on paper with sticks filled with coloured water.
oh, you darn kids.  GIT OFF MY LAWN!

these days, i’m obsessed with my pants.
eight weeks ago, i started a 12-week fitness challenge at work.  for the low-low price of $150, i would get three months of personally-trained bootcamp classes and nutritional counselling.  each four-week period would be assessed with a weigh-in, measurement and body composition analysis.   since getting back into the gym was the express reason i got my knee fixed last year, i was super excited to sign up and get going.
then i went to my first class.
day one nearly killed me.  at the end of the 45 minutes, i was dizzy, sweaty, nauseated and thought i might die. i barely made it down the stairs to my car to drive home and crawl up the Very Steep Stairs into my apartment where i collapsed on my bed and could barely get up an hour later to go feed myself.  the next two days my legs and ass were so sore, walking up stairs felt like all the muscles in the lower half of my body were ripping apart.  it’s not a feeling i ever want to experience ever again in my life.
every week my trainer, Rocky, would add new and more painful exercises to the circuit for his pleasure and our pain.  i learned that my left leg was considerably weaker than my right (which stands to reason) and my hamstrings were practically non-existent.  i also learned that i turn a scary shade of purple when exercising and when people see me like that they think i’m going to die a lot sooner than i do.  i re-learned that i like weights and hate cardio.
the first four-week weigh-in sucked for me.  i lost a grand total of .8 pounds (1.16 fat loss with a .36 lb muscle gain).  it wasn’t for lack of effort in the classes, that’s for damn sure.  it turns out that the food side of fitness/weight loss is probably more important than the exercise.   you see, i’d sat through all the meetings about the food plan and kind of poo-pooed it all because, as a fat girl, i’ve been paying attention and learning about food and nutrition almost all of my life.   so, when it came to actually walking the walk with what Rocky wanted me to eat, i played fairly fast and loose with his recommendations.
each week after submitting my food log to him for review, i’d get an email back chastising me for this or saying i should try not to eat that.  i slowly made alterations to my eating, but i was really resisting all the extra work and expense of my food requirements.  i got tired of cleaning, cooking cooking and eating vegetables.  i got annoyed with the added costs for yogurt and starch snacks and all that damn protein.  out of that frustration, i would go and totally pig out on weekends, justifying it because a cheat day was healthy!  and i’d been working out!  and i’d been so good during the week!
alas, that first weigh-in proved me dead wrong.  i was upset with myself for literally paying to fail.  so, i looked at the numbers and vowed that my second weigh-in would kick the first’s ass.  i was so devoted to killing my next weigh-in i went to class not once, but THREE TIMES during my VACATION!   who am i?!
last monday was my second weigh-in.  this time, i lost 8.8 pounds (6.51 fat loss and 2.29 muscle loss – oops) for a grand total of 9.6 pounds!  take that week four weigh-in!  i kicked your ass good!
okay, 9.6 pounds isn’t a lot, i know.  especially considering the amount i have to lose, but it’s all about the progress.  three months ago, i was heavier than i’ve ever been and i was getting quite depressed and scared for my health and future (or lack thereof).  my doctor put me on high blood pressure medication.  i was starting to realize that my pants weren’t fitting and i might not be able to find a bigger size to fit me.  this challenge came at exactly the right time and i am so grateful to be able to be a part of it.  this isn’t just about getting into my “skinny jeans”.  this is about saving my life and, after last September, i have a much more acute awareness of how easy that is to lose.
so, back to the pants.
i wasn’t sure, but about two weeks ago, i thought i started noticing that my jeans were falling down.  at least a little.   i couldn’t be entirely sure because there’s a small amount of stretch in them and it could have been the day three slackness which always happens after they get worn a few days in a row.  but this week?  yeah, my pants are definitely falling down.  and, while i KNOW this is good thing, i find i’m getting really annoyed by having to hike them up every half-dozen steps.   they’re not baggy enough to warrant a belt or replacing them with smaller pants (not that i can afford to buy new right now — hello, i bought a car!), so i’m in this frustrating in-between-land i’m going to dub Saggy Crotch Ville.  step-step-hitch-step-step-hitch.  that’s me walking down the hall.  SEXY!
the worst part?  i’m annoyed that i’m annoyed that my pants are too big!   WTF?
so, eight weeks in, my pants are falling down and, whenever my muscles or joints aren’t screaming at me for all this abuse, i feel freaking fantastic!  i can’t help but wonder just how awesome i’ll feel in another month!   hell, i might even have to go buy a belt!
finally, i wasn’t going to make this public, but maybe putting it out there will give me even more incentive.  i’m currently in dire need of a haircut.  in addition, i’ve decided that i’m going to get it coloured to hide the many, many greys which have started popping up unbidden.   i could go this weekend and be happy, but i’ve given myself a condition:  no haircut until i’ve lost 20 pounds total.  i’m hoping that by the next weigh-in i’ll have reached that mark and i can go get a fancy new do just in time for my birthday.   wish me luck!
and don’t laugh at my saggy pants, okay?

i was just looking at the list of tax changes accompanying the introduction of the HST in BC this coming july 1st.  i better save up because…
– reading a book will cost more
– watching tv will cost more
– going to see a movie will cost more
– eating food anywhere but home will cost more
– eating processed food will cost more
– buying plants to grow my own food will cost more
– getting a hair cut will cost more
– having my toenails painted will cost more
– buying used clothing to be less of a consumer will cost more
– using my home phone will cost more
– getting a massage will cost more
– taking a tylenol because i had a massage will cost more
– buying vitamins to make me healthy will cost more
– going to the gym will cost more
– seeing a cultural event will cost more
– buying mp3s instead of going to the more expensive concert will cost more
– getting drunk because everything costs more will cost less
– taking a taxi because i got drunk will cost more

after spending the weekend with my mom in downtown dullsville, i came home to a new time, a full day back at the office and a trip into deep, dark surrey to attend the symphony.
now, i’m sleepy.
friday, i picked up the boy after work and we blitzed over to north van and scarfed down fatburgers before my dad picked me up to take me to the ferry boat.  i didn’t know quite what to do with myself on the trip over as my usual m.o. is to get a crispy chicken burger and nurse my fries for 90 minutes while sitting the cafeteria.  luckily, i snagged a computer station (i like tables), read & played games on my phone all the way over.  it was all good until the couple three seats away decided that it was totally acceptable to play something really loudly on their laptop and the stinky, drunk guy sat behind me and started drunk dialing people on his cell phone after cracking open a couple of brewskis.
i hate technology sometimes.
mom picked me up on the other side and we zipped up island, catching up on giggles and promptly going to bed upon arrival at her place.
saturday, i spent some time playing with her new 40″ lcd television.  holy crap, that thing is HUGE.  and shiny.  and crisp (on hd channels, that is).  i don’t know if i could put a tv that big in my apartment.  it’d just dominate the living area!  but, i can just imagine playing wii or watching dvds on it… *drool*   after my aunt came for a whirlwind visit, mom & i headed down to nanaimochuk for a little shopping and to see the new Alice in Wonderland in 3D.
go see it.  it’s awesome.  Avatar wasn’t nearly as good as Alice is.
after the show — which was almost ruined by the frigid arctic air blowing on us in the theatre, brr — we zipped home and i made yakisoba for dinner, followed by hockey in hd.  holy hell.  hockey in hd is… well, it’s so good, i didn’t mind watching it.  that tells you something right there because i’m almost entirely off the bandwagon.   after the game, we changed the clocks and went to bed; but, not before i caught the new Iron Man 2 trailer.  mm, robert downey jr.-y goodness.  i cannot wait for that movie to come out!
sunday, was lazy.  chilled with mom, packed up and headed home.  once i got there, i had some pizza with the boy, did some laundry and got ready for work on monday.  btw, there are bunches of people retiring this year and i’m SO JEALOUS.  c’mon lotto max!  come to mama!
yesterday was pretty okay, too.  work was work.  my boss is back from vacation, so the energy level got bumped up a notch or ten from last week, but i got my vacation requests for the year approved so i’m happy.  afterwards, i had an awesome roasted chicken dinner at christopher’s before we headed out to newton – not just surrey! – to see the VSO perform Holst’s The Planets at the Bell Centre, which is a theatre attached, no IN, a highschool.  how weird.  we took our very back of the balcony seats, adjusted to the vertigo induced by the view and settled in for some culture with the grey hairs.
i’ve loved The Planets (especially the fourth movement: Jupiter) since i was twelve years old.  it was on a cassette tape my sixth grade music teacher made each member of our band with a whole mix of different musics with the thought to expose us to new and different things.  ever since hearing it that first time, i’ve had a strong emotional reaction to it.  last night was no different.  as soon as the first few notes were played, my eyes welled up with tears and my whole body tensed up with anticipation.  i must have looked like a dork with my nose running and tears streaming down my face, but i didn’t care.  i was entirely overcome by the music.  ahh!
the long, long drive back home was totally worth it just for those two hours of awesomeness.   i love the symphony!
i got home about 11:30, glad i’d had that pre-concert latte or i might have fallen asleep at the wheel and died in a fiery crash somewhere in burnaby.  by the time i got horizontal it was after midnight.  have i ever mentioned that i get up at 5:30am?  yeah, not a lot of sleep last night.  on top of the time change, i’m a wee bit knackered today.
luckily, i only have to go home, cook the biggest stirfry in the world and then go see my doctor to discuss all the other things which are wrong with me now that my lungs are clot-free.
see?  i really am a party animal!  *snarf*

so, i’ve officially become old and boring.
between the $100 Ikea gift card and $200 unallocated portion of my income tax refund due to me, i’ve been trying to figure out just what i’m going to spend all this “free” money on at my favourite swedish store for a few months now.
i’ve been eyeing the TOBO tv bench for almost a year.  it’s not too big and with the drawers and sliding glass door, i can hide all my assorted multimedia crap from view which makes my neat-freak heart squeal a little with joy.  but, i just couldn’t justify the $200 price tag when the tv solution i currently have is perfectly suitable, if not visually sparse.
i was *this* close to buying it when i was at meatball-land last week, but i wanted to hold off until after my credit card billing period ended (so i’d have another month to pay it off, duh).  then i started thinking… i don’t need a new tv stand.  what do i actually need which 1) might ordinarily be just a little too expensive to fetch at the last moment; or, 2) might not ever be available ever again and would make me sad to miss out on?
the answer was:  a second new pair of Nike Air Zoom Vomero+ 3 shoes.
i bought my first pair of these just after i re-borked my knee and got my first pair of orthotics, two years ago.  they turned out to be the most comfortable things i’d ever put on my feet and i’ve worn them nearly every day for the last twenty months.
when i went to buy a new pair last month, i discovered, to my horror, that they were no longer made and had been replaced by the Nike Air Zoom Vomero+ 4.  the internet told me there were very minor changes to the design and fit should be practically identical and i believed them.  until i tried a pair on at the Nike store in West Van.  they hurt!  and i was so upset, i didn’t know what to do.  then i remembered:  eBay has everything.
i received my new pair of 3’s last week and i couldn’t be more pleased.  they are just as dreamy to my tootsies as my old pair; they’re just shiny new and blue instead of neon green.  AND!  they cost $40 less than my old pair i bought locally!
after getting my all-clear from the doctor last week, i started seriously thinking about joining a gym to get back into fitness (now that i know i won’t suddenly drop dead on the treadmill).  then i started thinking about my new shoes.  shouldn’t i have an “inside pair” for the gym?   so, instead of buying a tv bench which would make me happy in my house, but isn’t really needed; i’ve ordered a second pair of super-comfy, good-for-my-feet shoes which will, hopefully, be an incentive to get healthier in the months to come.
so, there goes most of that tax refund.  i’ve still got the $100 gift card to spend at the blue & yellow store, but i think most of that will go to a dutch oven and a fancy frying pan to replace the one my cousin ruined with his egg-making adventures.
oh god, i’m practical.  killmenow.

warfarin flower

six months ago (minus three days), a blood clot which formed in the back of my left leg after my knee surgery broke off, zoomed up my leg, through my heart and got stuck in my lung. it went from being a DVT to a PE in a millisecond. and it almost killed me.
for the last six months (minus three days), i’ve been taking a daily dose of rat poison to thin my blood enough so that i wouldn’t form another clot and to buy my body time to “deal with” the clot that now resided in my lung, like a ticking time bomb.
every week for the last six months (minus three days), i’ve had to go to the lab and get poked with needles (sometimes multiple times) to draw my blood to ensure that i was taking enough rat poison to keep the clot(s) at bay.
every minute of every day for the last six months (minus three days), i’ve worried about that clot in my lung. the doctor in the hospital said one of three things could happen to it:
1) it could just go away;
2) it could get scarified and permanently attached inside my lung; or,
3) it could, in some cases, get bigger.
he also said they wouldn’t do any follow-up CT scan or testing to find out what it did after my six months of anti-coagulant treatment. take the pills and then stop taking the pills and you’ll be fine, he said. so, i lived with the fear that it was just growing and getting more and more ominous because that’s what i do. i worry and practice hypochondria.
today, i got the news.
my lovely and wonderful hematologist told me that the radioactive fog i breathed in and radioactive solution i got shot up with two weeks ago showed that my lungs are completely clear. my clot is gone! my lungs are absolutely normal and i am not going to die at some random moment because i exerted myself too much and dislodged my unwanted lung tenant! i can eat broccoli and take vitamins with abandon! i can have beer! i can go jump on a treadmill and not fear heavy breathing!
i started to cry as i walked to the car. i knew i’d been depressed and anxious the last six months (minus three days) and that i was under some extreme stress, but this news, those three little words, have lifted a giant weight from my shoulders. as i told my dad, there aren’t enough exclamation points in the world to express just how happy this makes me.
I AM NORMAL!!!
and i’m so happy i could almost float. =)

ugh, sorry about that.  i totally blew off posting last week.  in my defense, nothing really happened until the end of the week and then it all kind of happened at once and i ran out of time.  forgive me?
so, yeah. last week’s three big ticket items were:  migraine, VQ lung scan at the hospital and catching a cold.
oh, and some kind of sporting event is happening somewhere near my house. um, what’s it called?  superbowl?  no, that’s not right.  uh, commonwealth games?  no, that’s not it, either.  olyphant?  olympics!  that’s it!  the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver.  yeah!
i’m so funny.
first things first,  i had my final (i hope) diagnostic test related to my pulmonary embolism on Friday morning.  i wandered over to the hospital (it’s nice that it’s half a block from my apartment, sometimes) ridiculously early to get a pre-scan x-ray, only to discover that all the x-ray techs were in a staff meeting until 9am, which meant i had an hour or so to wait until my ventilation/perfusion scan in the nuclear medicine department.  ugh.
turns out that nuclear medicine is the happiest department at Lions Gate Hospital.  they were all decked out in red and maple leaves were all over the place.  they were all excited for the start of the games and were chatty and hilarious.  i guess they took pity on me, or were just in THAT good a mood, as i got ushered in for my test a little early.  yay!
see, what you need to know about me is that i want to know everything which is going on at all times.  i’m just nosy that way.  so, when i’m in a situation where i don’t know the procedure, i ask. this whole lung scan was all new, but i didn’t have to ask because my tech/nurse, Rhonda, explained everything. in excruciating detail. that was nice, but a little excessive.  and this is coming from me, so you just know it was crazy detailed.
first, i had my nose clamped shut and a tube stuck in my mouth so i could inhale radioactive fog.  no, really.  they even used a mini-geigercounter on my chest to see if i’d sucked in enough nuclear particles for the machine to detect.  after two rounds of what i can only assume is very close to scuba diving above water, i wandered over to a big machine i got to lie down in for the next twenty minutes while it detected where the radioactive fog got to in my lungs (this was the ventilation portion of the test).  next, i had TWO nurses/techs both trying to find a vein to shoot me up with more radioactive juice to perform the second portion of the test (perfusion) — oh me and my tiny, invisible veins of death.  this would detect where the blood flow in my lungs was going and if there were any blockages (which is what we’re mostly concerned with in my case since there was a BIG CLOT in one of my blood vessels in my lung, duh).  after finally giving me my injection and lying on the table for another twenty minutes of having pictures of my chest taken and making the staff laugh and say things like “i think i like her!” i got to mosey on over to x-ray for even more radiation.
unfortunately, when my hematologist sent in the request for my lung scan, she didn’t specifically ask for the x-ray they need to go with it.  consequently, i got to sit around for almost an hour waiting for someone to sign some sort of paper so i could have what turned out to be a 35-second chest x-ray.  i’m not kidding.  from the time i walked into the room to the time i walked out was way less than a minute.  it took longer to take my shirt and bra off than it did to get the x-rays done.  crazy.
by the way, i’m STILL waiting for my superpowers to manifest from all that nuking i got.  i’m really hoping for either invisibility or translocation.
pretty much the rest of the last week has been dealing with this annoying cold i probably picked up at the clinic last week when i went to get more rat poison.  the cold which made me miss both the Wilco and Hawksley Workman free concerts.  the one which has made me seriously consider surgically removing both my throat and sinuses.  stupid cold.  but, hey, at least i’ve been amusing myself by singing “i got the mucus in me” whenever i’m not coughing or blowing my nose.
last night, i got a phone call from my cousin.  this is noteworthy for two reasons:  1)  Christopher and my parents are the only people who ever phone me; and, 2) i haven’t talked to him since, oh, 2003 when i was in Ontario for my other cousin’s wedding.  turns out he’s working at the Richmond O Zone doing security and, since he lives in Kelowna, he’d been staying at his company’s accommodation in Burnaby.  unfortunately, he described the conditions there as “post-earthquake Haiti” and pulled the family card to ask me if he could stay with me until the end of this gig.  seeing as he’s my baby cousin (on my mom’s side) and i’m a sucker, i said sure.  so, as of tonight, my cousin Robert will be sleeping on an air mattress in my living room until the end of the month.  
he’s working nights, so i probably won’t see much of him during the week and, if i’m honest, the chance to reconnect (and collect points redeemable for a place to stay in Kelowna) is entirely worth any potential discomfort.  he’s a hoot and we’ve always gotten along well;  you know the less than a dozen times we’ve been together in our entire lives.  ;)
oh god, what have i gotten myself into?
just one more thing of note:   as i did last year, i am again giving up all forms of refined sugar and artificial sweeteners for Lent.  i’m only allowed stevia in my coffee and a little bit of maple syrup on my oatmeal.   i may not be doing it for religious reasons, but i do find something a little satisfying in challenging myself to go without for such a well-defined period of time.  let’s see how long it takes me to go cake-crazy like i did last year.  place your bets!

so, after a bet with my friend Nelson, i finally jumped on the formspring bandwagon.  i didn’t think i’d get many questions, but there have been more than a few and all of them quite thought-provoking and interesting to answer.  below is my most recent, and quite possibly, most favourite asked so far:

What is the secret to a happy life?
i don’t profess to know the secret to a happy life, but i do believe that the secret to being happy with yourself is to stop caring what other people think. as i’ve gotten older and lived a little more, i look back at my anxious and unhappy teens and twenties with a lot of regret. i spent so much time trying to impress everyone else because i didn’t know how to be me. just me. as i am.
let it go. all of it. that little thing which sent you into a spiral of rage, frustration and stress? not so important in the big scheme of things. someone didn’t invite you to a party? then it’s their loss, because you’re probably way better company than they know. drop your brand new iphone in the toilet? well, that’s what insurance is for. whatever it is, it probably isn’t the end of the world seeing as the world still seems to be here after all this time.
find something every day to wonder about. not just think or ponder, wonder. be amazed. be fascinated. find the joy in it and just… wonder!
get enough sleep. do everything in your power to give yourself the best night’s rest you can muster. without good sleep, all the rest of your life will crumble because your mind and body haven’t been able to do its work to keep you healthy and whole.
love and let yourself be loved. i don’t mean just romantically, either. surround yourself with the people you care about. love them for who they are, even when you recognize their flaws and issues. let them love you, each in their own way. everyone has a different way of showing they care, learn and accept how each person in your life shows their love for you and accept it. don’t try to force them to change their ways to suit your expectations.
do the things which bring you joy. everyone has something that they can do which makes them happy. one of my things is having a clean and tidy home. for someone else, it might be going running or seeing a new movie or buying a new pair of shoes or eating a fabulous meal. whatever it is, do it.
believe that you deserve to be happy. all of the tips and instructions and stuff and people and jobs in the world won’t bring you a happy life if you don’t believe you deserve it. manifest destiny, baby. if you think you only deserve bad things, that’s what you’ll bring to yourself. trust that you’re a good person and you have the right to be joyous.

so… is there anything you want to ask me?

one month ago, on December 29, 2009, my world changed forever…  well, okay. maybe it didn’t change forever, but it certainly took a lurching step forward whence it was.
you see, that is the day i (finally) received my iPhone.   *sounds of bells chiming and a chorus of angelic voices fill the air*
after blogging and tweeting and pricing and debating and whining and sulking and planning and dismissing, i finally bit the bullet after i received an offer i just could not refuse.
from the first day the iPhone was announced, i wanted one.  i knew, in my heart of heart, right down to my tippy-toes that it was device i would love and use.  i may have poo-pooed it publically and declared that they were silly and superfluous, but it was all bravado.  i wanted one and was upset you had one and i did not.  but, you see, i’m still trying to pay back the bank for the reckless financial foolishness of my twenties and a $100+ bill every month just to have a fancy cell phone (even if it will rub your feet, make you chicken soup when you’re sick and make unicorns shit rainbows) was just too much to even contemplate then, just as it is now.
the price of the phone itself was always daunting, but not necessarily prohibitive.  it was the monthly cost, multiplied by 36 because of the contract you were forced to sign before you could even get your hands on the thing, which slammed the brakes on the practicality of my ever procuring an iPhone.
then, for my thirty-seventh (ohgodohgodohgod) birthday, my lovely boyfriend, Christopher Evans, bought me an iPod Touch.  that was the beginning of the end to my iPhone protestations.  the iPod Touch cemented in my head, and heart, my desire for The Real Thing: an iPhone.  it was both glorious and a horrible tease.  it could do so many things the iPhone could, for free; but it wasn’t quite there.  i wanted the camera, so i could tweet photos.  i wanted the GPS, so i would never get lost.  i wanted access to the internet EVERYWHERE i went, not just where i could scam free-fi.
after the iPod cracked the wall around my iPhone-loving heart, the announcement that the iPhone would now be carried by Bell & Telus (in addition to Rogers & Fido), planted the seeds of an insidiously ivy-like idea which would worm its way through that crack into my fortress of self-denial.  if there were more carriers carrying it, then the prices for the monthly plans would drop. right?  that’s just good business sense!  more competiton means better prices for consumers!  well, they were pretty good, but still, after data and caller ID and text messages, plans were still over $75/month, which was still way too much for me to seriously consider committing to paying every month for the next three years.
that’s about the time that i found out about a way to buy a two-hundred dollar iPhone for ninety-five dollars; but the plan was still too far above my mental barrier for my to take advantage.  next came an email from Colene which boasted an incredible plan.  loads of minutes, caller ID, voicemail, texts, data all for a price i could justify just by not going out for dinner once a month.   i waffled and whined some more, i crunched so many numbers my spreadsheet was begging for mercy.  then, once the last cheque from the November craft fair cleared… i made the call.
just like that, i was an iPhone owner.
of course, it took over two weeks for me to get my phone because it went “out for delivery” via Purolator (now and forever after to be known as “Fuckyouhater”) SEVEN DAYS IN A ROW without an actual attempt at delivery at my apartment.  my poor, long-suffering boyfriend camped out at my place for three days in their entirety just to make sure i wouldn’t miss delivery before Christmas came and i was away to miss it for even longer.  gah.  even thinking about that ridiculousness makes me cranky.  
finally, after some festiveness on the island with my family, i came home to wait some more because the offices weren’t open until Tuesday.  you can bet your bottom dollar that as soon as my lunch break came that Tuesday, i was in my car, rushing towards the depot to finally rescue my phone from the evil courier’s hands.
all that trauma aside, this last month with my iPhone, Spud, has been as advertised.  it’s everything i hoped it would be.  i’m even astounded that the Bell 3G network gives me five full bars of service almost everywhere i go (and even in my office, which is just astounding because with my old phone i had to stand on a chair by the window to be able to have a conversation in here).  it’s with me everywhere i go and has made me totally anti-social at social occasions because i’m always taking it out to tweet something or check my email (but, thankfully, most of my friends have them, so they’re all doing the same thing — phew).  it’s my precious.  i loves it and kind of wonder why i waited so long.

i think the dark is getting to me.
 
the last week or so, my tolerance has plummeted.  stupid, dirt, people, news, drama, Haiti, money, cooking, cleaning, commercials all make me angry these days.  then, i feel bad for being angry, so i shut down. then i feel bad for shutting down, especially when i know there are people who want to help me feel better, but i just can’t bring myself to deal with them, so i feel bad about that all over again.  
 
it’s a vicious cycle.  filled with alligators.  hungry, toothy alligators.
 
additionally, don’t even try to complain to me about anything trivial, because, you know back in September?  i almost died.  i was one lucky motherfucker to not drop dead when that humongous blood clot broke off, raced up my leg and lodged itself in my lung.   if that doesn’t put it all into perspective, i don’t know what will.  your iPod won’t work?  piss off.   you didn’t get asked out to an event?  shut up. 
 
the irony is that the withdrawing and being angry has actually fuelled actions i’ve been trying to get a start on for months (and months and months).  i’ve been consistently tracking my calories and even — *gasp* — exercising.  so, physically, i’m feeling Tony the Tiger grrreat!  except that i’m grumpy all the damn time. 
 
last night, i stopped by the vampires for my weekly blood-letting, then came home to a healthy, well-balanced meal, watched a little Tivo, Wii Fitted & stretched out, had a bath & shaved my yeti legs, then realized it was only 8pm and it was pitch black and i couldn’t really do anything else because i had to go to bed in an hour.  WTF?  seriously?  fuck.
 
see?  grumpy.
 
i’m blaming the dark.  yeah, so it’s vaguely light for a whole 15 minutes when i get home at night. it’s still dark as midnight when i go to work in the morning and by the time i’ve finished dinner it feels like i’ve stayed up way past my bedtime.  i was looking at the calendar yesterday, wishing i could take the whole of December and January off next year, just to avoid all this darkness shit.  it’s nice out there right now, but i can’t be out there right now because, hey, i have to go to work every day.  fucking work.  stupid money!  where the hell is my sugar daddy, anyway?  i’d make an excellent haus frau, you know.  just hook me up!
 
if anyone has the power to bend space and time, i’d love to jump straight to March first.  it may not be all that light out yet, but at least i’ll be on vacation.