holy crap, man. this blog turned 16 years old last week and i didn’t even get it a cupcake.  i’m the worst.

seriously, i know it’s dusty and filled with cobwebs, but i still love this stupid website i made.  it brought some of the most amazing people into my life. it was where i dumped my brain when i wasn’t blessed with friends close enough to do that with.  there are so many words here and i can’t imagine not having them to refer back to when i just can’t remember when a thing happened (because i’m old now and time is getting so very slippery).

and, it’s not going anywhere, as long as the credit card the webhosting gets automatically billed to is valid, that is.

2015:  fifteen is a nice, round number
2014:  shit, sorry
2013:  lucky number 13
2012: it’s not goodbye. yet. maybe.
2011: time files (and so do i!)
2010: pass the cake!
2009: well, fuck me running
2008: belated, like always
2007: (it looks like i was busy trying to buy car, and forgot)
2006: trolls and stalkers and spam, oh my!
2005: belated blogday
2004: four fucking years!
2003: (there were technical difficulties of some sort, it seems)
2002: time flies
2001: who woulda thunk it
2000: the post which started it all

point form. because.

  • doing yoga. getting bendy.
  • four months of loving Bradley and it keeps getting better every. single. day.
  • speaking of, we went to the island for the long weekend in May and we have now met all of our respective family members. the introductions are complete. and nobody hates anybody.  yay!
  • getting excited to fly to Ontario next month for my aunt’s 80th birthday.  mostly for the, hopefully, fitting in the airplane seats easier part, if i’m honest.
  • work is… work.  things aren’t awesome, but i’m trying to figure out how to help them get that way again.  i’ll keep you updated if anything major happens.
  • i’ve been taking improv classes at the Vancouver TheatreSports League school:  Improv Comedy Institute.  it’s totally different than Instant Theatre, but equally as rewarding.  fun fact:  i have now performed improv on both of the VTSL stages on Granville Island.
  • AND!  my improv idol, Graeme Duffy, now knows my name!  and we’re friends on FaceBook! eeeee!
  • guess who has tickets to see The Book of Mormon in September?  ME! and all of my friends. I’M SO EXCITED!

next up:  birthday month and vacation and musicals and maybe even some paragliding.

 

still in love. still amazed at my new size and shape. still awesome (according to reports).

otherwise, i’m antsy and want a Big Change.  i’m jealous of Brad’s shiny-new fancy apartment with all of its empty cupboards, free space and potential.  it makes me want to throw everything away and start fresh.  but, that’s nothing new.  i experience that sensation at least twice a year.  the gorgeous springiness of the season is mostly to blame for that, i’m sure.

but, yeah.  i’ve taken a bit of a break from everything the last couple of months.  improv, fitness, etc.  i’ve been lazy and lounging on love island with Brad.  i was way overdoing it and getting sick every three weeks, so  it’s been good to chill out a bit, but i’m feeling a bit stuck and blergh which means i need to start — selectively — doing awesome things again on a regular basis.

on Sunday afternoon, after a failed attempt to paint a rainbow landscape, i ended up shopping on Lonsdale with my very favourite Lisa and my person, Brad.  introducing Lisa to Blue Sky Clothing was a revelation for her and sent me home with a lovely new spring blouse in a fabric i’ve been coveting for two years.  BSC is right next door to Plum, which is a store i’ve never been able to shop in, so now that i can, i really want to (even though it’s ridiculously expensive and way too fancy for my daily life).  so, after Blue Sky, we popped into Plum, where i inadvertently left Brad holding my bag(s) — sorry, love! — while i tried on ridiculously beautiful and expensive items of clothing.

it’s so weird to be trying on size 10’s.  seriously, size 10?!

anyway, they had this really amazing red dress.  i wasn’t going to try it on because when do i need a red dress that fancy?  plus, i’d just bought fabric to make a red dress for myself the other weekend; but, it was beautiful and i was already there.  what could it hurt?  so, i picked up the sizes 10, 12 and 14, not knowing which would work with my new body.  locking myself in the changing room, i unzipped the 10, thinking it’d be a funny joke to try that one on first.  you can imagine my face when it actually fit.  i popped out of the room and turned around to ask Brad to zip me up, as there was no way i could have done so on my own.

and… it was perfect.  it fit perfectly. the bust wasn’t too loose. the waist wasn’t too tight.  the short sleeves weren’t too short.  the length hit the exact right spot.  it. was. perfect.

too bad it was $160.

there’s no way i could afford that kind of money for a super fancy red dress i had no occasion to wear it to.  i’ve bought way more clothes than i could ever put on my (still changing) body.  there was no way to justify that kind of expenditure on a truly frivolous purchase.  so, back on the rack it went.  i sighed heavily and we left the store wishing for a winning lottery ticket or a sugar daddy to make such daydreams come true.

twenty-two hours later, i let myself in my apartment after a very weird Monday at work to find that exact dress hanging from my hallway closet door.

Brad, my incredible, lovely, amazing, awesome, spectacular, ridiculous, crazy boyfriend, went back to Plum on his lunch break and bought the dress and left it for me to find in my apartment when i got home.   who does that?  Brad, obviously, but… yeah.

to say i was shocked and amazed and overwhelmed is an understatement.  i am not accustomed to such acts of generosity and attention to detail.  i don’t feel deserving of such things and spent the rest of the night (and most of this morning) reiterating to him that i don’t need him to buy me things like that. then he reiterated that it’s not about the things, it’s about me having something that brought me so much joy and made me feel as beautiful as he sees me to be.

yeah, i know.  he’s kind of perfect, too.

last night was the second round of a speech contest Brad’s competing in, so he asked me to wear the dress to the competition.  so, i put it on and casual-fancied it up with some cute flats, slightly more shiny earrings and a cropped jean jacket.  a quick slick of eye makeup and we were ready to head out so he could put on an equally casual-fancy outfit for the occasion.  and, damn, we looked good.  i only wish we’d asked someone to take our photo.  especially after he won and will be moving on in the competition!

there are so many feelings i have about this whole situation.  i’m dumbfounded at his kindness and generosity.  i think he’s crazy to think i’m beautiful.  i am unaccustomed to being someone a person would want to show off as their partner.  i am thrilled and amazed that i’ve somehow managed to stumble into this incredible relationship with this incredible man who is able and willing to show and tell me how much he cares for me.  it is a revelation.  and, i’m amazed that i can wear such a beautiful size 10 dress from a store i’ve never been able to shop in.  *sigh*

my life, it’s pretty great right now.  i’m so very lucky.

In the last year and a half, I’ve…

  • lost 125 pounds, so far
  • met my long-lost soul sister
  • started:  running, hiking, kickboxing, zumba-ing, doing improvisational theatre, ziplining, paddleboarding, sewing, painting and snowshoeing
  • went purple-haired, then blonde and am now back to brown
  • had a lot of terrible Tinder experiences
  • met an amazing man and we are equally madly in love with each other
  • learned that gel manicures are nail-killers
  • finally accepted that I’m fucking awesome and deserve good things

It’s been a good eighteen months.  I like it.

again, i’m late with my annual blogiversary post.  i thought about it on the weekend, but i was too busy getting my hair done and riding bikes in the forest and going to america to spend lots of money i don’t have.  sorry!

so, fifteen years.  it’d like to say it’s been fifteen years of blogging, but it’s more like fifteen years of this blog’s existence.  i still can’t believe that i keep this around and that i’m still friends with people i met through this thing at the start of this millennium.  if nothing else, i’m thankful for that.  i’m glad i got to connect to so many amazing people and had a place to dump all my brain thoughts when i didn’t have as close a group of confidants as i am lucky enough to have today.

my life is very different than it was when i started putting my words on the internet in august 2000.  this year has seen a lot of big changes for me and i’m so very excited to be 43 (oh, yeah, i had a birthday) and so less filled with angst and despair.  i look back at that twenty-something girl who first started typing in that blogger.com text box and i want to give her a huge hug and imbue her with the confidence to know she’s awesome and people will start recognizing that just as soon as she does.  she suffered needlessly; it hurts to remember how much some times.

i’m not going to make any empty promises about blogging more because i know i will just renege on them.  this isn’t where i put my thoughts first anymore.  i share them with my incredible people now, which is as it should be.  i will try to keep up my anniversary posts and maybe even try to continue the year-in-review type posts either at the end of the year or on my birthday.  if i remember.

well, that year was interesting.

one year ago today, i got dumped by text message over what eventually revealed itself to be a total misunderstanding created because of an utter failure in basic communication (and lots of unresolved emotional damages on both sides).  so, how’s it been to be single again after (almost) eight years?

short answer: terrible.

medium answer: it started out terrible, but it got a little less terrible as time passed.

long answer:

i spent a lot of time this year being angry and sad and lonely and mad and all the five stages of grief. i didn’t understand and once i did understand, i was so upset that something so stupid could happen. then, i realized that if something like that could end a relationship, it was probably for the best; but, that doesn’t mean i’m not still overtaken by memories and emotions.  we were together for eight years.  pretty much every part of my life had him in it for so long… it’s been a lot of work to learn to dodge the emotional daggers when some memory or situation comes up.

overall, i’m finally happy again.  i’m in a really good place in relation to a lot of things in my life and i’m very excited for all the things 2015 will bring.  a year ago, i didn’t know what life was going to be like.  i still don’t, for certain, but i have a much clearer map in my head and i’m super thrilled at where i’m headed.

so, today, i’m officially closing that chapter of my life.  i’ve been loved and i’ve had my heart torn apart. yet, i’m thankful for every day we had together.  i learned a lot about myself: who i am and who i want to be.

i was so busy feeling sad that yet another high potential tinder dude suddenly stopped talking to me that i forgot about my blog’s 14th birthday. and my 42nd birthday, kind of.

so, stuff:

– dating is hard and heartbreaking and frustrating and stupid.
– it’s fucking hot this summer and i’m none too pleased about it.
– all the dresses!
– work is crazy and awful and busy and stressful and weirdly complementary.
– the newest dental hygienist thinks i have excellent teeth & gums.
– next year i’m shaving the cats in may.
– he might have turned out to be a total asshole, but i’m thankful that first tinder dude introduced me to the secretly huge vancouver improv scene.
– i have the best group of friends i could ever have wished for.
– moar tattoos, please (oh, yeah. i got a tattoo!).
– i finally learned how to mascara AND eyebrow!
– oh, and i went back to london in june for kimli’s 40th birthday where i met a cousin from my dad’s side no one knew existed and she invited me to stay with her “anytime” so i really hope she meant it because i’m so totally going back.
– henna.
– it’s really nice to not have broken feet.

i keep trying to buy clothes, but it doesn’t seem to work out.

i had two hours to kill before my union meeting last night and since it’s five weeks until LONDON and i pretty much hate everything in my closet right now, i decided to waste time trying on things which wouldn’t fit/look good/be affordable and then leave the store dejected and sad.

yeah, not so much.

i found ALL THE SHIRTS!  srsly, i haven’t had that much good luck shopping in, um, years?  one of the best parts was clicking selfies in the mirror and then sending them to my girlfriends for a virtual consultation.  even if their input wasn’t used on an item, just taking a photo of myself in a piece was a great way to vet something.  i shall do this more often in future!

so, i found four, no, five, no, six, really awesome tops and took them out to the register to pay.  when they got rung up, i realized i had a “spend $100 get $50” coupon!  at home. on the fridge. where it was absolutely no use to me whatsoever.  fuck.  luckily for me, lovely amber who liked my eyeballs said they could put them on hold for me if i could come back tomorrow (today, that is) with said coupon.  yes! please! thank you lovely amber!  and off i went to my union meeting where i learned that sometimes people are really fucking cruel behind your back.

anyway, fast forward to getting home with my really late dinner of crispy chipotle snack wraps to eagerly put my coupon in my bag lest i forget it in my all-too-common morning malaise, when what do i see on the back of it?  “April 26 – May 3.”  fuck.  as you might have figured out, today is not May 3. it’s May 9. coupon fail.

but, because i was still in desperate need of shirts and have more money than sense, off i toodled at lunch to pay for my pretty tops.  i fought Kingsway traffic, walked in and asked for my items and the lady behind the register said “you know, everything is 40% off tomorrow…”

so, my fancy new things are back on a rack in the store in Burnaby awaiting a quick morning trip out to finally, i hope, buy them and have nice shirts to wear to help me feel a little better about living in 2014.  the end.

or is it…

so, i’m single in 2014.

i got dumped two days before xmas. by text message. after almost eight years together.

and i still don’t know why.

to say it was a gut-punch is putting it lightly. i’ve spent the last month mostly in shock. it’s only been the last few days when i’m finally getting sad. i think i preferred the shock, though.

everything reminds me of him. everything i’ve done for the last eight years has included him. i went down to bellingham with the girls a couple weeks ago and while wandering around target i kept catching myself thinking “i should look at [blank] for chris. oh, wait.”  it was hard. it is hard.

i have a box of his things in the trunk of my car, but i can’t bring myself to go anywhere near his house. i avoided a union meeting because i just couldn’t bear to be that near where he lives. plus, we always hung out before them and, well, i really didn’t want to have to explain why he wasn’t there with me to my co-workers.

that’s the other terrible thing.  pity face.  i’ve been slowly telling my co-workers, but only when they directly ask about him. and then they get the pity face. yeah, that’s awesome.  no, not really.

thank god for my friends. they’re amazing and being so good to me. i’m sure i’d be in a much, much worse place if it wasn’t for them.

so, yeah. words. ugh.

i’m not proud, but i’m about to whore myself out to you, my last two gentle readers.

do you like free money?  i like free money!  if you want to earn a legitimate 50% return on your money (no ponzi scheme in sight!), go to ING Direct Canada and open up a new savings account with a minimum $100 deposit before Dec 31st and we both receive a $50 referral bonus!  all you have to do is use my “Orange Key” when signing up.  this is only for new accounts, though.  but, still!  free money!  don’t forget, you have to use my Orange Key:  13912349S1

i’m going to go have a shower now. i feel a little dirty.

i might need to turn off the internet for a while.

i’m feeling overwhelmed by the amount of creative talent which abounds in the world and am increasingly aware of my lack of accomplishment in any one endeavour.

i’m not jealous of all the amazing people making amazing things. i’m honestly amazed at their abundant talent and creativity.  i’m sad that i’ve wasted 41.583 years not finding that thing at which i was meant to excel at.

okay, i might be a little envious of those people who are equally skilled in multiple disciplines.  that’s not entirely fair. what if they’ve stolen my intended skill somehow?

maybe i’m just meant to be overwhelmingly average in all my undertakings?  that’s not so bad, i guess.  there’s a place for normal people in the world.  it’s just that the pinterests and the tumblrs and the facebooks all seem to show me that everyone but me is out there being glorious and pooping magical rainbows without a hint of struggle or self-doubt.

in the mean time, yeah. i think i need to pull back from online consumption for a while.

i’m kind of turning into Mr. Rogers here at work.

i come in. i take off my jacket and shoes. i put on a sweater and a different pair of shoes. i teach children how to handle dangerous chemicals. i play with puppets.* i take off my sweater and shoes . i put on my jacket and a different pair of shoes. i go home.

in other news, you really want to be my neighbour these days.  we got new double-pane windows installed in our building last week.  the only unfortunate part of the whole thing is the privacy film i had on the dining room windows didn’t fit the new ones, so until i replace it, my neighbours have a glorious view of me in all my pantsless tv watching in the evening.

i’m totally their equivalent to the Friends’ ugly naked guy.

* i wish i got to play with puppets.

i’ve been in a bit of a tailspin lately.

my eating has been all over the place. my housekeeping has been on a rollercoaster. my spending has been utterly out of control. my emotions have been all over the map.  basically, i’ve been a fucking wreck for about a month or so and i’m kind of annoyed by it.

so, i’m going to take the opportunity of the start of a new month tomorrow to attempt to rein in some one of my runaway habits.

1. hello NO SPEND OCTOBER.

last time i did a NO SPEND month, was february 2012.  it went pretty well, if i remember correctly.  i intend to do the same thing as last time. no non-necessary purchases for 31 days.  this includes a decrease in the amount of eating out/fast food because, holy fuck, i’ve been doing a lot of that the last couple of months.

[redacted]

i just realized i might be setting myself up for failure by trying to do four things in one month.  all the pros say to only attempt to change one thing at a time lest ye be crushed by anxiety and failure.  so, my priority will be the NO SPEND portion because that probably is causing me the most stress at this point.

see you in a month!

for the past week or so i’ve been receiving texts. specifically, texts containing cat facts.

i don’t know how i became so lucky to be the recipient of these texts, but they’ve been highly informative, sometimes hilarious and, recently, creepy.

i’m pretty sure they’re coming from one of my friends, but at this point i kind of don’t care which one. i’m just starting to look forward to my daily dose of cat facts!

mr. david, if you please.

 so, when i was in college, i fell in love with art history.  actually, back up a step.  i fell in love with art history during my grade 12 western civilization class. that’s actually why i started taking art history classes in college. i imagined myself growing up to become a well-known art restorer, working in all the most amazing museums all over the world, ensuring that priceless paintings and sculpture would not be ravaged by time and inattention.

anyway, i remember one evening in the darkened classroom (it was always dark in there because we were always looking at slides of art, duh), a photo of michaelangelo’s david appeared on the screen.  it could even have been this picture for it seems very familiar to me.  my teacher (whose name i forget, but not her horrible perfume) started talking about how michaelangelo carved david’s head and hands to be larger than normal to ensure that people viewing it from the ground would see them in proper proportion, etc.  she then made some sort of comment about david’s physique and it’s realism. i remember being confused because i didn’t think david’s hip lines were real. they seemed more like the hip joints on g.i. joe dolls than what one would find on a real human male.

you see, at the tender age of 18, i had never seen a man totally naked. at least, never a man who had the buffness of david. mom’s playgirl of burt reynolds didn’t prepare me at all.

to this day, whenever i see this sculpture i blush for my 18-year-old self and her delightful naivete.

i’m bored and tired and grumpy and emotional.  i have a blog to whine about all those things, right?

i’m tired of people asking me how my weekend was. or my last night. or my vacation. because, you know what?  they were dull. and boring. and uneventful because i don’t do anything or go anywhere because i’m either tired, sore or broke 99% of the time.

i woke up at 2:16 a.m. in an emotional tizzy, complete with elevated heart rate and rapid breathing, because of my stupid dreams which were filled with hope and excitement and fear and terror and things i both want to do so very badly but can’t and things i don’t think i’ll ever be able to do because i’m either tired, sore or broke 99% of the time.

sunburn. on the back of my neck. where my “feeling ugly” shirt collar is rubbing against it.  awesome.

yeah, i have a shirt i pretty much only wear when i feel bad about myself.  if you see red plaid, you know i’m extra delicate that day.

if someone says they’re in a bad mood or not good or some other un-positive response to your “GOOD MORNING! HOW ARE YOU?!”,  don’t fucking ask why. just say something like “oh, that’s too bad” or “if you want to talk about it, i’m here” or “would you like me to leave you alone?”. the last thing a cranky and/or emotional person wants to do is freaking explain why they’re cranky and/or emotional, goddammit.

grr.

so… my internet home is 13 years old today.

yes, it’s gotten a little neglected lately. twitter and facebook and instagram have kind of taken over as the place i dump my brain so i don’t explode all over myself.  plus, i don’t even think any of y’all know this is here anymore now that google reader shut down (if google doesn’t believe in rss, it must not exist).  i did finally get around to updating the infrastructure for the website and paid for the next year’s worth of hosting and five years of domain name, so i must not yet be ready to let it go.

you don’t actually just want to hear about cats, cleaning and my financial spreadsheets, do you?  because, really, that’s all i have going on these days.  i had this discussion with friends last night about how i need something. something to sink my teeth into. a project or something new to learn because i feel so stuck and boring these days.  i’m happy for suggestions, by the way.

anyway, yeah. 13 years. my blog is now starting high school.  how scary for it.

i’m thankful for all of you still reading. i’m thankful for all of you who have come and gone from my life through these years. reading my words and sharing yours with me. you all are what made this whole thing worth it.  i loves you.

 

2012: it’s not goodbye. yet. maybe.
2011:
 time files (and so do i!)
2010: pass the cake!
2009: well, fuck me running
2008: belated, like always
2007: (it looks like i was busy trying to buy car, and forgot)
2006: trolls and stalkers and spam, oh my!
2005: belated blogday
2004: four fucking years!
2003: (there were technical difficulties of some sort, it seems)
2002: time flies
2001: who woulda thunk it
2000: the post which started it all